life

Pity the Poor Biker Man Beset By ‘Brazen’ Women

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 13th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, I was riding my motorcycle and pulled into a parking lot. I noticed a woman coming out of a coffee shop and pausing to look at me. Yes, I looked at her for a brief second as I parked. I then pulled out my phone and looked up my destination, still sitting on my bike.

This woman came up to me and said hi. I said hi back, and then she proceeded to ask me if I could take off my helmet -- she said she wanted to see how old I was because the helmet always throws her off. I thought, “You have some nerve!”

I wonder what you would think, Miss Manners, if I walked up to your car window and knocked and said, “Hi, could you roll down your window so I can see if you’re pretty or young enough for me?” I bet that would go very well.

This isn’t the only incident that I have experienced with brazen women, but it is the most egregious.

Dating in the U.S. is one-sided. The average woman has 100 messages in her dating apps and the average guy has seven. It truly is a woman’s world and us average guys are left feeling like we are on display, or like we are back in elementary school, hoping someone will pick us in a game of Red Rover, but never getting picked.

Please advise me where I can find a woman who values the content of my character more than the beauty that I have, which is only skin-deep.

GENTLE READER: The argument that this is a woman’s world -- and that men are only regarded for their looks -- is not going to gain much traction, Miss Manners is afraid. Nor make you any more popular.

However, it is true that no human, of any gender, should be treated as you describe. In your situation, you might have said, “I beg your pardon? My helmet is on for my own protection” and left the impertinent woman to ponder from what -- or whom -- you were actually being protected.

life

Miss Manners for March 13, 2021

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 13th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a condo, and the upstairs tenants have three children. I understand that kids generate a lot of laundry, but on some occasions, they run their washing machine late at night and it interrupts my sleep.

I was going to write a note asking that they please refrain from using their washer after 10 p.m. because it is noisy and prevents me from sleeping. Is there a better way to say this?

GENTLE READER: With three children living above you, Miss Manners considers you lucky that only the late-night laundry is costing you sleep.

You might point that out in your note, thereby making it all the more gracious: “You and your children are so thoughtful and light-footed that it pains me to ask you, but would it be possible to run the washing machine during earlier, waking hours?” Then quietly rest up for the children’s adolescence.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Who To Mention in Self-Written Obit?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 12th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Both of my parents died fairly recently at ripe old ages (90 and 98). As the writer in the family, I collected relevant information, drafted both of their obituaries and asked my siblings to review them and make suggestions. I have also been asked to write obituaries for several of my friends’ family members.

I regularly read the obits published in newspapers and online to get ideas on how to make these important memorials interesting, informative and meaningful.

Being in my 60s, I decided to draft my own obituary to make things easier for my husband and children when I eventually die. I have been honored and privileged to be designated as godmother of four people -- all children of various close friends. I have taken this responsibility seriously, and, except for one instance where the mother’s erratic behavior made it impossible, I have been involved and supportive throughout my godchildren’s lives. They are all now adults, and we have very cordial relationships.

Would it be proper to mention my godchildren in my obituary? If so, should I mention all four, or just the three with whom I am close? What would be a good way to phrase it?

GENTLE READER: An obituary traditionally only includes those who are directly related or who assume that status through marriage. While it is gracious of you to want to include your godchildren, it would be still more gracious to tell them now how much they mean to you.

Otherwise, Miss Manners fears that your obituary will look like a lengthy acceptance speech, thanking everyone who touched your life for getting you where you are today -- well, not the “today” of the obituary, but before your demise. This is a hazard of writing your own obituary.

life

Miss Manners for March 12, 2021

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 12th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette related to eating ramen noodles? They are sloppy and slide off the fork easily.

Since I can’t seem to find an etiquette-able way to eat them, should I just not eat them in public?

GENTLE READER: The method is similar to that of spaghetti -- even if the noodles are annoyingly more slippery. Miss Manners suggests that you take this time at home to practice the twirling skill in private. The slurping noise that accompanies it, however, is considered more sloppy than appreciative in the West.

life

Miss Manners for March 12, 2021

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 12th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A question for you about living rooms. I have no other way of putting this except to give an example: A family sits down in the living room after dinner and everyone takes out their book to read. Everyone is silent except for one person, who is being very loud and rambunctious. Finally, one person, fed up with the noise, asks them to please stop and go elsewhere if they will continue to be loud. Who is being rude?

GENTLE READER: Is the rambunctious person trying to make conversation? Or protesting reading time in favor of family togetherness? In either case, Miss Manners suggests that the terms of the living room’s use should be made clear on any given evening. Otherwise, it should be renamed the library -- and another room designated for more verbal activity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Too Many Well-Intentioned, But Unwanted, Baked Goods

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 11th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a middle-aged woman and I live alone. Across the street from me lives a family with young children, whom I am quite friendly with.

During this pandemic, the kids have taken up baking as an activity to do at home. A few months ago, their mother began leaving trays of baked goods at my doorstep.

I was touched by the thought, but these items are, to be honest, not very good, seeing as they’re baked by young children. Plus, it’s an enormous amount of neon-colored icing and sprinkles! I thanked the kids and complimented them on their baking skills, as any friend would, but tossed the baked goods out.

My problem is that now the family brings me the kids’ creations in great volume, at least twice a week, with notes saying they are working hard to bake more for me since I like it so much!

Is there a kind way to gently refuse these gifts, or at least to cut down on their frequency? Or is the kindest thing to simply continue graciously accepting them and throwing them out?

They’re delightful neighbors and I am so grateful that the kids think of me.

GENTLE READER: Then let’s not insult them.

This can be accomplished, Miss Manners is confident, without submitting to a mountain of sprinkles and icing. It merely requires tact.

First, no hurtful truths. Neither the baking team of Jenna and Josh, nor their mother, needs to know that the cake batter didn’t fully set or that there was a button in the M&M topping.

Second, no accusations. We will not suggest that they are trying to kill you because you are diabetic or lactose-intolerant or neon-phobic.

Third, no extraneous information. What became of the last batch is irrelevant.

And finally, no lies -- at least, not ones that are likely to be exposed. We will not be confiding that your bridge group loved the cookies if your partner is the children’s third-grade teacher.

Call Jenna and Josh’s mother (we do not want the young bakers in on the conversation), thank her profusely, but explain that, grateful as you are, it is just more than you can possibly consume. And if you have neighbors of whom you are not overly fond, you could add that they might enjoy some treats.

life

Miss Manners for March 11, 2021

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 11th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to mix up foods on your plate or in a bowl prior to eating them?

For example, if you have bananas, pudding and whipped cream in a bowl, must you mix each bite individually? Or is it acceptable to mix the bowl up and then take bites?

GENTLE READER: One of the functions of table manners is to help dinner partners ignore all the mixing, mashing and masticating going on in close proximity. Operations that can be carried out without drawing attention are likely acceptable.

But as Miss Manners realizes this is an imprecise directive, she suggests you avoid activities that may test its limits -- and learn to slice vertically through that bowl.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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