DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend with whom I used to have a lot in common. She has many fantastic qualities, and I quickly grew to consider her one of my best friends, despite her living a few states away. We could talk for hours on the phone every day, and we collaborated on creative projects. When we first met, she had some ailments for which she was on leave from work for a few months.

I quickly began to realize, though, as new excuses for why she could not work began to pop up (and the paid leave from work extended on and on), that dwelling on her ailments and illnesses and many symptoms is a very big fixation for her and not just a passing hardship. I also began to find it odd when she would become furious at her husband if he ever became ill with a cold or flu and got attention or sympathy from others.

I am not sure if this person is genuinely experiencing chronic pain, suffering from hypochondria, or suffering from Munchausen syndrome. As I am neither a doctor nor footing the bill for her medical leave, the truth is really none of my concern. I believe that if your mind tells you you are suffering, then you will suffer.

What IS my concern is that our conversations have become one-sided fishings for sympathy. I am tired of the negativity and having to console and comfort someone constantly, when it has become clear that she does not do anything to help her situation.

I recently went on a fantastic weeklong trip and she didn't once express interest in hearing about my trip, though we share a love of travel. Instead, upon receiving my first message that I was back home and had internet again, she immediately began to complain that she tripped a few days earlier and went into great detail about how sore her shoulder is and how she might have fractured something, or how she had to chop wood for the wood stove and now has a terrible backache that makes it difficult to sleep (despite having a free way to heat her home in the winter, which seems like a plus to me!).

Is it ruder to ignore her complaints, or is it ruder to tell her the truth as to why our friendship is now strained?

GENTLE READER: The answer will depend on how you approach each option. Telling your friend that her recitation of symptoms has become a bore is ruder than excusing yourself for the delay before you returned her call, or finding that you have to get off the phone now.

Never answering messages, or interrupting your friend to change the subject, is ruder than telling her how much you feel for her suffering, but you miss the times when you used to enjoy one another’s company so much because you had so many happy things to talk about.

As to which is to be preferred, Miss Manners recognizes that the latter, while more difficult, may be worth a try with a dear friend who has lost her way. But she will understand if you choose the former.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not only am I, like so many others, having to grapple with the threat of COVID-19 contamination, but also with the increasingly vitriolic political situation that has divided my friends and family. Therefore, I’ve put signs over my front door that read “MASKS MUST BE WORN,” and “NO POLITICS,” as well as similar placards throughout the house, particularly near the dinner table.

Some have already said that this approach is laughable and makes me a rude host, even mentioning infringement of free speech.

Normally, I might agree, but I’m wondering if these temporary regulations might be allowed during trying times.

GENTLE READER: Free speech has its limits, even overlooking the fact that restricting it applies to the government, not citizen hosts.

Your real problem is that neither the Constitution nor etiquette endows hosts with legislative, executive or judicial powers. Banning behavior that will endanger or offend yourself or other guests must be done politely, which means in individual conversations before the day of the event. Miss Manners realizes this may not be taken well by potential guests, but it has the advantage of setting the ground rules before anyone sets foot in the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it correct to use the verb "invite" as a substitute for the noun "invitation"? Example: "I have received an invite.”

GENTLE READER: Certain not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in a tiff with my sister-in-law for about a year, when her ill-considered words rocked my marriage. We are still healing, and my hubby continues seeing a therapist. Good thing they live on the other side of the country.

But that is not the issue, just the background. I just learned that my sister-in-law’s elderly mom looked so bad she was sent directly to the hospital. Coughing, feverish, low energy, no appetite, food has no taste ...

The COVID test came back negative. What they learned was so much worse. Her mother is dying of stage 4 cancer and has only a short time to live. Having cared for my father during his non-Hodgkin's lymphoma chemotherapy before he passed, I really have sympathy for my sister-in-law's situation.

Is it wrong to express condolence or sympathy before someone dies? How can I acknowledge her pain at watching a parent die and continue to withhold an olive branch? I am not ready to forgive her yet.

GENTLE READER: The military have a term for what you are proposing. They call it a cease-fire: Everyone stops shooting, which the troops know is not at all the same thing as turning in your weapons and going home.

The etiquette equivalent is to refrain from references to past indiscretions while you are dealing with your sister-in-law’s anticipated loss. You cannot yet offer condolences -- that would be, at best, indelicate -- but you can offer sympathy and, if possible at a distance, what the Army (you have put Miss Manners in a military frame of mind) would call logistical support.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A colleague of mine likes to tell jokes and will preface a punchline with "Pardon my French," and then follow with something that is either obscene or offensive, ending with a boisterous laugh.

I detest this sort of boorish behavior, but any look of disdain on my behalf only leads him to take further aim at me, saying things like, "Oh, we mustn't offend poor Tania!" making me look prudish and stuffy, which I am not.

I must deal with him frequently and can never be certain when he'll erupt into this sort of embarrassing vulgarity. Can Miss Manners suggest a way to respond?

GENTLE READER: If you will first kindly explain to Miss Manners what is so terrible about being considered prudish and stuffy. By your own account, we could use a touch more of that, considering how much we have of the opposite.

But as you asked for an alternative, Miss Manners suggests, “I’m afraid you are about to offend our French friends. They would hate being characterized as a smutty nation.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you politely decline an invitation to a friend’s house because you feel they are not careful enough or do not wear masks?

GENTLE READER: By resisting the temptation to deliver a lecture in return for an offer of hospitality. If you say, “Thank you, but I am leading a restricted life these days,” Miss Manners hopes your friend will resist the temptation to lecture you -- and perhaps even be influenced by your example.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude for a person to ask what a student's grades are?

GENTLE READER: Not if it is your parent. Miss Manners agrees that anyone else who does is rude, starting with the fellow student who is only looking for a chance to show off.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Back in the 1970s, my mother-in-law wanted me to call her “Mom,” and every weekend, when my husband and I went to her home for Sunday dinner, she started the hug hello and then the hug goodbye.

This felt foreign to me. “Mom" was reserved for my mom, and I don’t feel like hugging anyone unless there’s an extreme reason to, such as if someone is ill, or close to death, or if you haven’t seen them in some time. I was an only child and brought up to be more reserved. My husband was also an only child, but apparently in a more huggy family.

Fast-forward and I think, did it really hurt for me to hug her? After all, she never had a daughter and lost her husband and mother in a three-week period. It was acting on my part maybe, but it made her feel good. Like they say, “Pick your battles.”

GENTLE READER: Huggy time has now passed, the pandemic having made us learn ways of showing good will without touching. And as hugs were overused, Miss Manners is not sorry to see them go as a routine greeting, but she will miss handshakes.

However, she appreciates the lesson you learned from this experience: that sometimes it is worthwhile to make trivial compromises in order to make someone happy.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)