DEAR MISS MANNERS: I come from a large, itinerant family, consisting of my parents and eight siblings. We moved frequently as I was growing up, our possessions packed up and shipped over a dozen times, with some things arriving damaged or going missing in the process.

Money was never overly abundant, and though my mother loved to set a nice dinner table for us all, she quickly gave up on having any matching tableware. Instead, she used whatever was available, interesting and affordable. As time went on, no two pieces ever matched, and I came to think of this as eclectic and charming.

Now that I’m grown, I’ve continued my mother’s custom of mixing things up, as it brings back fond memories of my family and my youth. My tableware is all different designs and makes, and I even use jelly jars as juice glasses in my kitchen.

The problem is that when guests come for dinner, many seem perplexed with my non-matching table items, and will tell me where I can purchase matching sets cheaply. I politely tell them that things are exactly as I want them to be, and that money is not the issue. Rarely does it sink in.

A friend sent me a full matching set of tableware, thinking that she was doing me a favor. If I return it, it will hurt her feelings, yet if I use it, my finely constructed collection of mismatched items will completely be disrupted. What should I do to make her happy, yet continue using the items that I’m so fond of?

GENTLE READER: Your friends must be unaware of a put-down once used by snobs: “the sort of people who buy their silver.” Mixed patterns are a sign of having inherited it instead.

Never mind that your tableware was bought and that it may not be silver; Miss Manners was just reaching for a way to support you against people who have no business criticizing your hospitality. Thank that friend and use the matching set for picnics, when it won’t matter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has a close friend, Burt, whom he has known since high school and who is part of our social circle. Last year, we learned that Burt’s mother had died, and my husband called him with condolences. A week or so later, we saw him at a brunch (this was pre-pandemic). I told him that I had known his mother from church, and gave him my sympathy.

In the course of our conversation, I asked how old she had been. He snapped at me, saying something like, “I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

I was embarrassed and wondered if I had made a faux pas or been insensitive. However, the next day, the obituary was in the newspaper, and her age was plainly stated immediately after her name.

Was I wrong or rude to ask Burt his late mother’s age? I was not intending to pry. In my experience, that’s a common question when someone dies.

GENTLE READER: But not when the lady is alive. Miss Manners deplores the notion that it is shameful to age, but recognizes that unfortunately, many people have internalized it.

Burt could still have been reacting to what his mother would have said if he told her age. Instead of snapping, he could have just told you, “She wouldn’t want me to tell.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married to an amazing man for over two years now. He is very supportive and devoted. Part of how he likes to show his love is by giving me gifts; sometimes these gifts might be considered excessive.

I was taught that giving is a greater virtue than receiving, and while I am very grateful for the gifts, and I’m sure that there are many people who would love to trade places with me, these gestures sometimes make me feel uncomfortable in their excess.

My discomfort is compounded by unsolicited comments from friends and family about his giving nature. When I express to him that he doesn’t need to buy me things or take me on extravagant excursions, he gets upset and says it is how he expresses his love.

I am grateful to have an issue like this when there’s so much worse in the world, but I still want to be able to let my husband know that I don’t need all of this to know how much he loves me. He shows me every day in many ways, and I always make sure to acknowledge these actions.

What advice do you have for me to get over this and just learn to be thankful for such a “problem”? Each time I bring up my feelings about this, it never goes well.

GENTLE READER: The discomfort you feel is nothing compared to that of the husbands among those friends or relatives who forgot Valentine’s Day.

As you recognize, there can be worse marital problems. And unless he is spending the grocery money, your husband is not the problem. The problem is that you are listening to silly, if not catty, remarks and even expecting your husband to change accordingly.

What you should be responding with is a firm, “Yes, he is a dear. I’m very lucky.” And what you should be saying to your husband about these gestures is “thank you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife offered a plain but earnest apology for a small domestic transgression -- it involved overstaying her turn in the television room -- and I was unable to summon a gracious, honest response.

“Apology accepted” and “You are forgiven” both seem to violate the modern norm of “no problem” or “forget about it,” which don’t recognize that the error really did cause a problem. What’s a handy way of accepting an apology without either minimizing the error or piling on to the perpetrator?

GENTLE READER: It would seem to Miss Manners that one could accept without qualification a spouse’s earnest apology for a small domestic transgression -- in the interest of marital harmony, if not of strict justice.

But if you cannot bring yourself to do so, surely you can thank your wife for her apology, and assure her that the incident is forgotten. And if not, you will have more than etiquette trouble.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was proposed to, and has accepted. Her father, my ex-husband, became very angry and upset when he found out, because the young man did not ask his permission before proposing.

While I understand that asking the father for permission ahead of the proposal is traditional and courteous, I wonder if it was required by etiquette in our case. Our daughter is 21 years old and attends college. She only lived with her father full-time, year-round, for about eight of those years.

When the now-fiance asked my daughter if he should talk to her father first, she informed him that it was unnecessary. At no point in 21 years has her father ever mentioned that being asked first was an expectation of his.

After announcing her engagement (to her father and myself privately, and to the rest via social media), she received a few lectures from members of my ex’s family and from his live-in girlfriend. They say she and her fiance have offended her father by not asking permission first, and by not personally informing his girlfriend, and that an apology is in order.

While I can understand that being asked was an expectation of her father’s, I do not believe he has the right to be upset, as he did not convey those expectations ahead of time. I also wonder if, given his noncustodial status and lack of involvement in her current life, it was necessary to ask ahead of time. If you could help me understand what her obligation should have been, I would be most appreciative.

GENTLE READER: Your daughter’s real mistake was not asking her father to pass the phone to his girlfriend. Much of the rest of this could probably have been avoided if she had.

The old-fashioned idea that fathers must be asked permission to “give away” their daughters is certainly problematic in modern times. Miss Manners is used to hearing rightful cries of “She’s not his to give!” and “Why isn’t the mother being consulted?” And in the case of your daughter and her distant father, “Why the sudden need to weigh in now”?

Patriarchal tradition runs deep. But while the reasoning behind the antiquated custom may no longer apply, the act of including family in the announcement of one’s milestones is still important.

Had the young man informed (not asked) you, your ex and his girlfriend of his intention, he could well have avoided all of this. Instead, the girlfriend had to hear about it secondhand -- or with everyone else on social media. Therefore, Miss Manners recommends that with all future milestones -- moving to a new home, pregnancy, etc. -- your daughter make calls to all familial parties and inform them personally. Especially in the case of pregnancy -- however, the intention itself need not be up for discussion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father almost always introduces his presents to me with some version of: “If you don’t like it, please give it back to me, because I really like it.” I always find this quite irritating. Am I wrong here? What can I say to him?

GENTLE READER: “Well, now I’ll know what to get you when your birthday comes around.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)