DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve just had another experience with someone who said something that I didn’t understand. I was at a pharmacy drive-up window for a COVID-19 test. My car window was open, and the communication took place over a poor speaker system while we both wore masks.

I said three times that I didn’t hear her. (I really did hear her, but I couldn’t understand her.) I then apologized and said I couldn’t understand what she was saying. She maintained her same cadence and sound level and repeated her question in exactly the same way every time.

The question/statement I couldn’t understand was “date of birth,” which had been combined into one word, hastily spoken without any questioning inflection. Instead of repeating this same phrase, wouldn’t it have been helpful to ask, “When were you born?” or, “Please tell me your birthday”?

I’ve noticed the younger generations tend to speak in a rapid-fire manner, and it’s very difficult to understand at times. I complimented one young woman at a hospital admissions desk because she was articulate and clear. She said she worked on her speech because it makes her interactions proceed smoothly and quickly.

Do you have the proper polite phrase to use to entice unclear and/or rapid speakers to rephrase the question or slow down?

GENTLE READER: Ask the person to please rephrase the question or slow down. Saying you could not understand -- or, worse, restating “What?” over and over again -- only prompts the speaker to repeat their question, usually with irritatingly increasing volume.

Miss Manners suggests that you heed your own advice and ask politely to have the question reworded. But please do so slowly and clearly, especially behind that mask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate enough to remain friends with my most recent ex, which does not change the fact that we broke up (my choice) for legitimate reasons. High among them was his tendency to fly off the handle with little to no warning. Another was his relationship with alcohol.

This past weekend, we got together. As per usual, I found myself walking on eggshells to avoid any sort of blowup. Later, after I’d gone home, I received a number of drunken texts that were inappropriate (not in a sexual way) and made me quite uncomfortable. The next day, he was back to his usual cheery self but, as is too often the case, I found myself still preoccupied with the previous day’s events.

Miss Manners, is there a way to call out someone’s poor behavior that won’t cause matters to escalate? He’s 85% delightful, but I’m always wary of the 15% undelightful side of him that could surface.

GENTLE READER: “You know how much I enjoy your company, but I am in constant fear of angering you --especially when we are drinking. Let’s confine our get-togethers and communication to public spaces and daytime hours until we know that this is under control.”

Miss Manners understands that it may not solve the problem. He could very well blow up right there -- or more likely, apologize and make promises, only to break them. But if you do end up having to give an ultimatum or end the friendship, at least he will have been warned.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught to announce myself when I make a call to a doctor: For example, “Hi there, this is Jane Doe, and I’d like to make an appointment to see Dr. Smith.” But every single time I do this, the receptionist invariably asks me at a later point to repeat my name: “OK, I have an opening on Thursday. What was your name again?”

I’m really starting to wonder if I should just quit being so formal, so I figured I’d ask you. Should I just say, “Hi, I’d like to make an appointment to see Dr. Smith”? Or do good manners dictate that I stay the course?

GENTLE READER: It is a safe assumption that a busy receptionist will not likely remember the first five seconds of a conversation -- including the caller’s identifying characteristics -- but only the last part: where to direct the call. That being the case, Miss Manners will not fault anyone for making both sides of the conversation as efficient as possible. She will call it a zero-sum game of etiquette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ordered a wine gift basket for my cousin and his wife who live out of state; I received an email thanking me for my gift. My cousin reciprocated by mailing me a fairly expensive gift card to a restaurant where I rarely dine.

I am contemplating a major hardware purchase and would prefer a gift card from a hardware retailer. Would it be appropriate to return the restaurant gift card to my cousin and ask him to exchange it for a hardware chain gift card?

GENTLE READER: Ever heard of thoughts counting? The giving and receiving of presents is not a practical proposition. The prevalent use of gift registries would argue otherwise -- but while they ensure that people get the stuff they want, they are devoid of any thought or sentiment.

Presumably you gave your cousins a wine basket because you thought they would enjoy it. Similarly, they returned your generosity with the prospect of a nice night out (or in, if your state mandates it and the restaurant delivers). That you really wanted a table saw is irrelevant to the exchange.

Miss Manners is certain that if your cousin returned the wine basket and asked instead for a sewing machine, you would likely suffer hurt feelings -- if not for the slight, then for the embarrassment at having it pointed out how woefully you missed the mark on what to choose.

She therefore suggests that you accept the restaurant gift card graciously. And use the money that you would otherwise spend on that night’s dinner to save up for that hardware.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding, and am then chosen, should I send a thank-you note to the bride for asking me?

GENTLE READER: Like what? “Thank you in advance for not exploiting me more than the others because I asked for it”?

Forgive Miss Manners’ cynicism. She has received too many letters from bridesmaids who have been sorely taken advantage of, and does not wish to see you victimized any more than necessary. A letter or even just a conversation stating how much the friendship means to you would be lovely.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister, who calls herself “the best gift-giver,” is notoriously difficult to shop for. Also, she chastises others for being “the worst gift-givers.” She says that if people just listen, they can find the perfect gift.

For a milestone birthday, she bought herself a designer purse, a matching wallet and some brand-name apparel. My mom and I bought her diamond studs, which quite blew our budget, but we wanted to recognize her milestone birthday.

When we presented them to her, she scoffed and said that no one ever listens to her, that she already has diamond studs, and to just return them. We were less hurt than just perplexed at her dissatisfaction. What do we do for next year?

GENTLE READER: Whatever your sister’s talents as a gift-giver, her skills as a gift-receiver are appalling. In addition to being rude, she is short-sighted: Gift-givers who are insulted, rather than thanked, soon move on.

Miss Manners realizes this is seldom an option with someone as close as a sister, but for next year, you might ask what (within reason) she would like. If she objects to the direct inquiry, responses can range from the frank (“Dear, we haven’t had much luck choosing things for you, and we want to get something you will enjoy”) to the patronizing (“Dear, we haven’t had much luck choosing things for you, and we want to get something you will enjoy”).

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 55-year-old stepson who lived in New Orleans for about eight years while attending grad school. He always loved his food very hot and spicy. I recently sent him a boxed gift of numerous hot sauces, ranging from spicy to extremely hot.

When his dad spoke to him the next day and asked him if he had gotten the gift, he admitted that yes, he had. He then said he could not use it because, as he has gotten older, his stomach cannot tolerate hot, spicy food.

I feel terrible for getting him something he cannot use, but I believe he could have at least been gracious enough to call me and say “thank you.” I would gladly have returned the item and replaced it with something of his liking. Do I reach out to him to apologize and offer to return the gift?

GENTLE READER: Your stepson should, indeed, have thanked you, but Miss Manners is relieved that at least he showed enough maturity not to answer your intended kindness by explaining what it might have done to his digestion. As the adult -- and, in the eyes of many stepchildren, the parent-come-lately -- you should contact him. If you do not wish to send a replacement, a kindly inquiry about how he is feeling -- and an acknowledgment that you will remember his condition for future gift-giving -- will be sufficient.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to invite a guest to attend a party where they have to pay for their own meal?

GENTLE READER: No, that is called a fundraiser. And if they were not so busy raising money for a good cause, professional party planners would tell you that what they do is no party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)