DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the hardware store a few weeks ago, I was balancing a 60-pound bag of mortar mix, easing it off a shelf on its way to my cart. Then a strange gentleman came barreling towards me with his hands outstretched.

“I’ve got it!” I said.

He kept coming, yelling, “Let me help!”

“Back off!” I said sharply. “Back off!! BACK OFF!!!”

We reached a standoff after he had basically chased me backwards several feet away from my cart, along with my 60-pound bag of mortar mix, now in my arms. He finally turned around, saying he was sorry and that he was just trying to help.

Virtually the same thing happened last week at another hardware store, where a bag of mulch was at issue.

When encountering a woman carrying a heavy item, some gentlemen seem to believe that it is helpful to interfere with her progress, and even to remove things forcibly from her hands, either without asking or after having had their help declined.

It is obvious to me that this endangers the woman’s balance, shows a disregard for her desires, and these days, risks the transmission of coronavirus. Can you comment, please, on the etiquette of offering help with heavy items?

GENTLE READER: An offer can be politely refused, and such refusal must be politely accepted, Miss Manners agrees -- and so instructs overzealous gentlemen. Once we have reached the stage of yelling or grabbing on either side, the activity can no longer be considered an offer -- or polite.

How, then, to make the overly insistent gentleman stop before he sends the mortar flying or infects the customers? An escalating refusal can work if the emotion being escalated is concern, discomfort or even fear, rather than anger.

You want other shoppers to worry about you, not that the gentleman is about to be slugged with a 60-pound bag of mortar. The gratification of the latter impulse would wear off when you had to deal with the subsequent cleanup, hospital bills and general apologizing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married for 20 years to someone who cannot keep a secret. I learned early in our marriage not to tell her anything I didn’t want to see on social media or to be shared with her friends and family. And while it’s been hard to have a marriage with someone I can’t talk to about anything private, I’ve made the best of it.

She found out that I’ve known for months about a confidential matter involving a family member, and didn’t tell her about it. She confronted me and asked why I didn’t tell her.

Since she asked me directly, I told her that it’s because she can’t keep a secret, and gave her some examples of confidential information she’s blabbed about in the past. So of course she’s mad at me, and now I’m wondering what I should have said instead.

How does one diplomatically tell one’s spouse that one won’t tell her anything confidential because she’s a blabbermouth?

GENTLE READER: “Do I hear the doorbell ringing?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m an adult woman with an extremely loving, wonderful mother. However, my mom’s online persona reflects a different side of her -- one that often makes me embarrassed (for her) and appalled by the insensitive smut she posts on social media.

For example, she’s posted several memes joking about COVID and its severity; she recently posted something to the effect of “scared little sheep b-tches stay at home.”

My husband, son and myself caught COVID. My husband was nearly hospitalized. I don’t think this is funny in the slightest, and I feel like she is embarrassing herself: She’s friends with many physicians at the company she works for.

Any time I try to even remotely talk to her about anything related to today’s political climate, she says “I don’t want to talk politics” and drops it.

How do I confront her about this without publicly commenting on her posts and embarrassing her? I don’t feel that’s the correct way to go about it, but I can’t just keep ignoring it.

GENTLE READER: Your mother works with doctors and she thinks COVID is funny? And your family had it?

Uh-oh.

Adult children do not have a high success rate when they try to bring up their parents. But as this could have serious effects on your mother’s personal and professional life, it is worth trying.

Given that sample of her postings, Miss Manners is guessing that your mother is unlikely to respond to the issue of taste. But if she is as loving as you say, surely the fact that these posts strike personally at you, your husband and your son should give her pause.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a 61-year-old man with a female friend who is celebrating a birthday soon. After making discreet inquiries about what she might like, a mutual friend told me that she recently remarked that no one has given her roses in years.

I would like to give her roses. But first, I want to ask if what I was taught in my youth -- that red roses convey romantic intentions, while yellow roses indicate platonic feelings -- still holds true. Currently, neither of us are involved with anyone or have an interest in entering relationships anytime soon. My relationship with her is strictly platonic, so I’m thinking yellow roses would be appropriate.

Does this choice still mean what it did back in the day?

GENTLE READER: Please proceed with caution, which in this case means yellow.

While it has been many years since the elaborate language of flowers was well known, florists remember the rule about red roses, and spread the word for Valentine’s Day. Miss Manners reminds you that roses, like relationships, come in many shades.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate time to tip the valet: when you drop off the car initially, when you give the valet the claim ticket to retrieve the car, or when you get back into your vehicle? I don’t use valet services very often, but every time I do, I am unsure when to hand over the tip.

GENTLE READER: After you get the car back, and before you change the radio station back to something you like.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has retired, but I continue to work remotely during the pandemic. I spend at least half of my workday in video meetings. Over the past few months, my colleagues and I have reached some agreement on how to use video tools productively: Assign a facilitator, have a clearly defined agenda and keep meetings as short as possible.

Over the holidays, my husband’s family embraced virtual reunion-style “parties.” I’ve sat through two, both miserable affairs. Now these family members are eagerly planning the next set of parties, and even talking about making them frequent events after the pandemic is over.

Save me!

I have many complaints, not the least of which is that most of these people are strangers to me, and nearly so to my husband. Family parties weren’t a feature of our pre-pandemic life, and these family members rarely, if ever, saw each other in the real world, except at weddings and funerals.

Furthermore, there are too many people involved for an online conversation. The screen is cluttered with tiny boxes, some with as many as three or four people stuffed on a sofa in front of their computer. Unlike a real-life party, where people can slip into side conversations, attendees are forced to listen to the most dominant voices. Those who married into the family are generally sidelined.

Meanwhile, at least one participant struggles with technical challenges. Many minutes are spent explaining to dear Aunt Helen how to unmute, telling Uncle Bob that we can’t see his head, or asking a cousin to move the yapping puppy farther from the microphone.

Although scheduled for an hour, each party ran on for two hours. Given the difference in time zones, some participants were eating meals on screen, while others were sipping cocktails and some simply sat without refreshments. The “host” at each party insisted that their role was simply to set up the video meetings and let us make our own fun.

It was not fun.

My husband agrees that these events are long, tedious and poorly organized, but claims that it would be rude to decline: We have no viable excuse, especially with online scheduling tools that allow the person setting up the call to check availability in advance. I disagree, saying we can decline in a way of which even Miss Manners would approve.

Is it possible to decline these invitations? And how would you advise those who host these events to make them at least bearable, if not actually fun?

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. Miss Manners has been complaining that modern socializing is all about honoring oneself and getting presents, rather than just getting together for the fun of it. And here is a new form designed for pure fellowship, and yet, as you report, it is not fun.

But she has always firmly maintained that excuses are not necessary when declining invitations -- indeed, they often lead to unpleasant entanglements -- only expressions of regret. This is still true during the pandemic. Many have more complicated lives now.

But as these are relatives, you might want to make an occasional brief appearance to say hello. It would also be a chance to inquire who in the family understands how to do break-out rooms, so that people who have rarely met can get to know others through personal conversation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)