DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee (now wife) and I wanted to have a potluck wedding reception, where instead of bringing gifts, the guests would bring a dish and share the recipe. The wedding was being hosted at my mother-in-law’s house -- my wife’s decision, as she wanted to be married under a particular tree.

My MIL refused to let us do the potluck idea, saying it was tacky. This has been bothering me, because it feels like she took something from us that we will never be able to have.

Would the potluck reception have been a faux pas as she believes, or is it acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Being a guest and being a caterer are worthy, but different, pursuits.

Miss Manners understands your mother-in-law’s not wanting to put friends and family to work, although she might have found a more tactful way to express it to your wife.

That said, Miss Manners feels a need to caution newlyweds such as yourself against the use of phrases like, “She took something from us that we will never be able to have.” An eagerness to promote short-term grievances into long-term grudges is detrimental to family harmony. If done indiscriminately, it may someday put you in a position to have the second wedding you have always dreamed of.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, I made a new friend. We’re both in our early 60s, and have a number of things in common. Over these few years, I’ve noticed that she sometimes lacks commitment to plans we’ve made. Sometimes I find out through the grapevine that she made plans with other friends.

She asked my husband and me if we would go with her to a nearby restaurant for dinner, and together we decided on the following Saturday night. Late Thursday evening, she sent me a text asking if we could meet Friday night instead, because that is the day she “arrives back in town.”

It appears to my husband and me that she puts her plans with us aside when something she considers better comes along. I’m not sure how to handle this. If I confront her, it could cause a break in the friendship (if I am mistaken about her reason for changing plans). Yet I feel I cannot let this continue if I want to maintain this friendship.

GENTLE READER: Confronting her could cause a break in the relationship even if you are correct about her reasons for changing plans.

Ruling out such an approach, you are left with more subtle ways to modify your friend’s behavior -- the most obvious being consistently discovering, to your dismay, that you are not available on Friday. Eventually, your friend will realize that sticking to the plan is the only way she will get to see you.

Miss Manners in this case draws her inspiration from the cat who, though inexplicably deaf to direct explanations of what needs to be done, learns that every time he jumps on the counter, an arm reaches out from the sky and returns him to the floor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You’ve said it’s considered rude to correct others’ manners. I’ve always been told this, but it leads me to this question: How are others to learn better manners if they’re never corrected when they’re rude?

I realize it can be difficult to do this kindly if one is feeling insulted by the rudeness. But if it can be done nicely, wouldn’t it be helpful to say, “Shelby, do you realize how rude it is when you do X?”

I don’t expect you to change your mind on this point of etiquette, but I’m genuinely interested in your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: You are correct that if no one’s manners were ever corrected, we would all be eating with our hands and wiping our mouths on the tablecloth.

Miss Manners does not dictate that no one can correct another person’s manners -- only who may do so, and sometimes when. Parents may correct their own, growing children. Teachers may correct students.

It may interest you to know that Miss Manners, who, in her profession, corrects everyone, would consider it the height of rudeness were she to correct a friend or acquaintance face-to-face.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to circumstances surrounding the pandemic, my brother, father and I are all living under the same roof. My nephew is getting married next year; whether or not we will be able to attend is still unknown.

We received three separate invitations to the event. Should we send the couple three individual gifts (most likely cash or checks), or would it be appropriate to pool together and send one envelope?

GENTLE READER: Putting aside the substance of the gift (Miss Manners does not consider money a proper present), you are right that presents are generally given per household. But the term is not to be understood in a literal way. For instance, a child’s parents would include him on the list of givers even if he is away at camp. And your mother-in-law, even if she lives upstairs, will want to send something separate as a measure of independence.

Assuming you and your brother are adults, the extra envelopes and stamps for three separate presents will not do lasting damage to the planet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a lady who works in retail. What is the correct way to react to a man who walks up to me while I am working and says, with his eyes full of pity, “I wouldn’t want your job”?

The unsolicited comment always feels condescending, but I can’t exactly point that out to a customer. Other than asking the customer if they need assistance, is there something else I’m supposed to say? How am I supposed to answer?

GENTLE READER: It depends on what you hope to accomplish. A cool “May I help you?” rejects -- by not acknowledging -- the customer’s words, while satisfying the requirements of good manners. Miss Manners thinks this is a great deal. If, instead, your goal is to get into a conversation with your boss about your future in sales, then you may smile and tell him, “Well, I’m keeping it, so you can’t have it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m 13 and I’m in a wheelchair. It’s been three years. How do I get people to stop asking what happened to me?

I’m very happy -- I’m active with friends and involved with a lot of activities -- but it’s painful to talk about, and I don’t want to anymore.

GENTLE READER: Here is a secret that will serve you in many situations: You don’t always have to match your answer to a nosy question.

In this case, you should reply, “I’m fine, thank you; how are you?” If the questioner persists, repeat that you are fine, but ask in a concerned voice, “But are YOU all right?”

Just please promise Miss Manners that you will not apply this trick to your schoolwork.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I donated to a fundraiser through a friend who volunteered at the organization. She sent me a monetary thank-you, saying to go have lunch on her.

It left me feeling awkward -- almost like getting money back on what I donated. Is that an appropriate way to express gratitude? It felt weird, and it made me feel like I should not accept that cash. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: It is weird. In that context, it looks something like a kickback, although Miss Manners hopes that your friend was merely succumbing to the crass idea that payments are always welcome.

You must thank her, of course. But you might enclose the money, saying you would like to make an additional donation to the charity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While we did not attend the wedding of our dear friends’ grandson (whom they helped raise) due to our COVID guidelines, we did send a very nice present from their wedding website. We also mailed them a very nice card, separate from the gift, that was delivered to them well before the wedding.

The thank-you just arrived, and the couple only thanked us for our good wishes. I went back to the wedding site and verified that the gift was received (as was our name and address given to the recipients,) but somehow the bride and groom forgot that we gave them the gift.

I am not concerned that they don’t know that their new set of knives, which they use every day, is from us. But I don’t want our dear friends to think that because we did not attend the wedding, we did not send a gift.

Should I say something to my friend, or let it go? I would not want to make the happy couple uncomfortable, but I want our friends to know that we care.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners suspects that the couple didn’t bother to personalize their letters of thanks -- how hard is it to say “Thank you for the ...”? -- it is possible that this response was only to your card.

So you could still ask the grandparents whether the present was received, which is the sneaky way of getting the couple in trouble. Yet they did manage a mailing, which not everyone does, so perhaps you should not tattle. Just remark idly that you hope the knives are useful.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)