DEAR MISS MANNERS: You’ve said it’s considered rude to correct others’ manners. I’ve always been told this, but it leads me to this question: How are others to learn better manners if they’re never corrected when they’re rude?

I realize it can be difficult to do this kindly if one is feeling insulted by the rudeness. But if it can be done nicely, wouldn’t it be helpful to say, “Shelby, do you realize how rude it is when you do X?”

I don’t expect you to change your mind on this point of etiquette, but I’m genuinely interested in your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: You are correct that if no one’s manners were ever corrected, we would all be eating with our hands and wiping our mouths on the tablecloth.

Miss Manners does not dictate that no one can correct another person’s manners -- only who may do so, and sometimes when. Parents may correct their own, growing children. Teachers may correct students.

It may interest you to know that Miss Manners, who, in her profession, corrects everyone, would consider it the height of rudeness were she to correct a friend or acquaintance face-to-face.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to circumstances surrounding the pandemic, my brother, father and I are all living under the same roof. My nephew is getting married next year; whether or not we will be able to attend is still unknown.

We received three separate invitations to the event. Should we send the couple three individual gifts (most likely cash or checks), or would it be appropriate to pool together and send one envelope?

GENTLE READER: Putting aside the substance of the gift (Miss Manners does not consider money a proper present), you are right that presents are generally given per household. But the term is not to be understood in a literal way. For instance, a child’s parents would include him on the list of givers even if he is away at camp. And your mother-in-law, even if she lives upstairs, will want to send something separate as a measure of independence.

Assuming you and your brother are adults, the extra envelopes and stamps for three separate presents will not do lasting damage to the planet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a lady who works in retail. What is the correct way to react to a man who walks up to me while I am working and says, with his eyes full of pity, “I wouldn’t want your job”?

The unsolicited comment always feels condescending, but I can’t exactly point that out to a customer. Other than asking the customer if they need assistance, is there something else I’m supposed to say? How am I supposed to answer?

GENTLE READER: It depends on what you hope to accomplish. A cool “May I help you?” rejects -- by not acknowledging -- the customer’s words, while satisfying the requirements of good manners. Miss Manners thinks this is a great deal. If, instead, your goal is to get into a conversation with your boss about your future in sales, then you may smile and tell him, “Well, I’m keeping it, so you can’t have it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m 13 and I’m in a wheelchair. It’s been three years. How do I get people to stop asking what happened to me?

I’m very happy -- I’m active with friends and involved with a lot of activities -- but it’s painful to talk about, and I don’t want to anymore.

GENTLE READER: Here is a secret that will serve you in many situations: You don’t always have to match your answer to a nosy question.

In this case, you should reply, “I’m fine, thank you; how are you?” If the questioner persists, repeat that you are fine, but ask in a concerned voice, “But are YOU all right?”

Just please promise Miss Manners that you will not apply this trick to your schoolwork.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I donated to a fundraiser through a friend who volunteered at the organization. She sent me a monetary thank-you, saying to go have lunch on her.

It left me feeling awkward -- almost like getting money back on what I donated. Is that an appropriate way to express gratitude? It felt weird, and it made me feel like I should not accept that cash. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: It is weird. In that context, it looks something like a kickback, although Miss Manners hopes that your friend was merely succumbing to the crass idea that payments are always welcome.

You must thank her, of course. But you might enclose the money, saying you would like to make an additional donation to the charity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While we did not attend the wedding of our dear friends’ grandson (whom they helped raise) due to our COVID guidelines, we did send a very nice present from their wedding website. We also mailed them a very nice card, separate from the gift, that was delivered to them well before the wedding.

The thank-you just arrived, and the couple only thanked us for our good wishes. I went back to the wedding site and verified that the gift was received (as was our name and address given to the recipients,) but somehow the bride and groom forgot that we gave them the gift.

I am not concerned that they don’t know that their new set of knives, which they use every day, is from us. But I don’t want our dear friends to think that because we did not attend the wedding, we did not send a gift.

Should I say something to my friend, or let it go? I would not want to make the happy couple uncomfortable, but I want our friends to know that we care.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners suspects that the couple didn’t bother to personalize their letters of thanks -- how hard is it to say “Thank you for the ...”? -- it is possible that this response was only to your card.

So you could still ask the grandparents whether the present was received, which is the sneaky way of getting the couple in trouble. Yet they did manage a mailing, which not everyone does, so perhaps you should not tattle. Just remark idly that you hope the knives are useful.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although I am not an artist of any kind, several of my friends and acquaintances are locally known professionals, and others are hobbyists who turn out beautiful work. I am occasionally invited to their openings, and I am never sure what to say to the artist on her big night.

Since I’m not knowledgeable, I can’t make comments like, “The brushstrokes on that camellia are out of this world,” at least not convincingly.

Ideas? Or should I stick to generalities?

Also, I was struck by how much one person’s paintings reminded me of the works of a group of world-renowned Canadian painters. Would it be OK to say something like, “Your take on the rocks and cliffs reminds me so very much of Tom Thompson,” or is that insulting?

GENTLE READER: It is not hard to please artists -- or any other creative people -- with compliments. Any enthusiastic generality will do. And while you are not there as an art critic, Miss Manners has a kind remark even if you really hate the work: “You must be so proud.”

As for comparisons, she suggests asking whether the other artist might have been an influence, which is slightly more respectable than suggesting that there might be some poor imitating going on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three elderly lady neighbors in my apartment complex. We’ve gotten closer since COVID, and for many months, we had socially distant drinks on the porch every afternoon.

I have been chafing under the expectation that I will be on the porch with them every day. Further, I don’t feel like I can leave or come back during the assigned time without having to explain myself. They send texts to invite me back to the porch. They keep tabs on me, to the extent that one calls me to see if I’m out when my car is not in its customary spot.

How do I get them to back off? I have told them that I won’t be down as much, and I haven’t joined them lately. I know they mean well and are bored, but the attention is intense. I feel trapped and guilty.

GENTLE READER: But they know where you live.

That does not mean that they need to know what you are up to. Being issued an invitation, or many of them, does not require you to accept. Think of it as a standing invitation (with too many reminders), which you need accept only when you feel like doing so. That they are able to meet often does not mean that you are.

The best excuse is no excuse, accompanied by an expression of regret: “I’m sorry, I can’t this time.” To attend and then leave, it is, “I’m sorry, I have to go now.” Should they dare to ask why, the response should be, “Because I have things I must do.”

And you needn’t answer the telephone when they call to check. An occasional, “Sorry, I don’t pick up when I’m busy” should be enough to discourage that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)