DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s family is wildly different in how they view familial relationships than I am accustomed to. I would like Miss Manners to help me work out the propriety of thanking one’s own parents.

My in-laws expect a lot of recognition for their gifts and time, and are very formal with us, sending thank-you cards for perfunctory gifts and favors -- for instance, if we take care of their cats for a day or two while they are away. We know they expect the same in return.

I come from a family that finds the idea of getting a thank-you card from one’s own child, or vice versa, preposterous. Such cards are reserved for major life events or extraordinary favors, and are only considered appropriate for people beyond your immediate family. Instead, a verbal thank-you is the norm. It is also accepted that occasional forgetfulness in this regard will be forgiven, as long as there is generosity going both ways.

I actually found my husband’s family charming at first, as I have a love of stationery that surpasses the number of gifts I receive. However, we now have a toddler (and therefore less free time), and after over a decade, I find my distaste for the formality of the gratitude compounded by my disappointment over the emotional distance that accompanies my in-laws’ expectations.

My husband agrees, and has decided we will stick to fewer, but more intimate, displays of thanks -- such as heartfelt messages and gifts on birthdays, and in-person thank-yous when they help us do something particularly unpleasant, such as lay a patio.

I know my MIL in particular is not going to take this well, and I would like to know how improper we are being before I decide how contrite to be. I really don’t want to take them for granted; I just want the relationship to be more causal and also more genuine. I hope the same for my child in the future.

GENTLE READER: Do you? The problem is that “occasional forgetfulness” quickly turns into constant ingratitude -- and you probably do not want that from your own child, either.

But to be fair, not even Miss Manners writes a thank-you letter to her immediate family for small favors or presents issued in person. In the interest of good etiquette, family harmony and modeling best practices for your offspring, she will make you a deal. Continue writing thank-you letters for major things like heirloom silver sets and down payments -- and she will allow you to forgo them for trinkets and clearing the table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an involuntary wink and facial palsy due to surgical damage -- but I’m lucky to be alive! I often realize, after the fact, that I’ve unintentionally inflicted discomfort on strangers (such as store clerks) to whom I speak and wink.

What can I say to explain and beg forbearance without seeking sympathy?

GENTLE READER: “Please forgive me; that was involuntary. My eyes tend to sneeze without me.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss (owner of the business) is extremely generous and thoughtful. He really enjoys remembering staff birthdays, hiring anniversaries and holidays with generous gifts and bonuses. Usually, these come as emailed gift cards or something delivered to my home. He enjoys doing this personally; it’s not delegated to an assistant.

Last summer, after several years with the business, I resigned from my position to care full-time for my ailing parents. The timing was difficult, as our business was heavily impacted by the coronavirus and related staffing issues. I agreed to stay on part-time until my replacement started.

My hiring anniversary and my resignation date coincided. In our farewell, my boss said he was sending a gift to me to recognize both.

It has been a few months. Nothing ever arrived.

I realize in the chaos and stress at work, he may have just forgotten, although that’s uncharacteristic for him. I am worried that he thinks I received something and did not acknowledge it. I am also concerned that he may have spent a significant amount of money on something that was never delivered.

I feel rude asking about it, but also want him to know if something he paid for never arrived. Common sense tells me to let it go, but it occasionally nags at me. Do I have a responsibility to notify him of the unreceived gift?

GENTLE READER: Your common sense has led you astray.

The concern -- and it is a serious one -- is not whether your former boss got value for his money, or the reputation of the postal service. The issue is your own reputation: You do not want him to think that you are rude or that when you left the job, you severed all future relations.

Miss Manners’ fondness for handwritten letters is not merely due to her liking the smell of paper and ink. Gracious correspondence can soothe many a feeling and solve many a problem.

You cannot ask what happened to your gift, but nothing stops you from penning a chatty letter updating him on your life and thanking him for his many kindnesses while in his employ. If he did send a present, then the absence of any mention in such a long letter will make him wonder if it arrived. If he did not send one, it may perhaps inspire him to do so now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is getting married and, due to COVID-19, the plans have changed considerably. The wedding will only have the wedding party and immediate family, and the reception/celebration will be sometime next year with a renewal of vows.

What is the furthest out we can have the celebration and still be appropriate? Does it matter if we call it a reception or a celebration?

GENTLE READER: The answer in normal times is one year, but with the pandemic upending social interactions, Miss Manners is willing to extend the deadline to any time before your daughter’s children are old enough to ask whom the party is for.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, I have taken it upon myself to organize a joint gift for my group of friends’ wedding anniversaries. We live all over the country, so it’s a way for us to stay connected for the big moments. I took this on willingly, and enjoy finding gifts I think will be enjoyed.

This wouldn’t be a problem, except I’ve found that getting everyone to participate in picking the gifts and paying for them has become like pulling teeth. This makes me want to stop doing the group gift, since it is really that in name only.

My 10th wedding anniversary is coming up this year. I’m hoping they forget about it and don’t get me a gift, so I can stop organizing guilt-free. If they do forget, do I need to explain that I won’t be doing it anymore, or just let it fall to the wayside unspoken? If they remember, must I continue, or is there a way to bow out gracefully then, as well?

GENTLE READER: Not seeing the purpose of guilt without any accompanying crime (and not seeing any crime or contemplated crime in your description), Miss Manners looks at the problem somewhat differently.

Your upcoming anniversary is not a solution, but a problem. Quitting after they forget your anniversary would be a disaster: Instead of looking as if you did not care, it would look like you cared so much that you are walking away not just from the gifts, but from the friendships. And quitting after they remember might look like, having gotten yours, you are done.

You will therefore have to struggle on for a little while longer. Some time after your anniversary, you can tell everyone that, having been the organizer for years, you hope someone else will now take over.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I bought a beautiful shallow raku dish for a friend. It’s lovely. But recently, she happily showed me that she had planted a cactus in it!

The beauty of the color and pattern is no longer visible whatsoever. I can’t imagine why she would choose to use a valuable, handmade dish as a planter. It’s offensive to me; I wish now that I’d kept it for myself!

Is there any way to explain to her that if she had a bona fide planter, she could then display the gift I gave her? Or, once given, is it simply the owner’s to use (and abuse) in whatever way she chooses?

GENTLE READER: The dish now belongs to your friend, so it is indeed hers to use and to abuse.

But more importantly, Miss Manners urges you not to take offense. Your friend showed you what she had done, with the thought that it demonstrated how much she valued the gift -- and that you would be pleased. For the sake of the friendship, accept her intent and forget what you would have done yourself.

There is an additional moral to be learned. If you had given your friend an expensive bottle of wine -- only to find it being used as cooking wine in the kitchen -- you would have concluded that, for next time, this is not the right present for this friend. A similar lesson can be applied here.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)