DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s aunt and uncle live in an area a short plane ride away from us that is considered a destination. She sometimes visits us, and is always asking us to visit her, so last year, we finally committed to a date and visited for a week.

She didn’t have any food, so we were required to go grocery shopping, which I didn’t mind. I also made sure to help cook, do the dishes, and clean up the dining area after each meal.

However, she requested that my husband help her with some labor-intensive jobs. She asked him to dig out a patio area that had fallen into disrepair, fix her washing machine, replace multiple steps on her outdoor stairs, and more.

Is there any polite way to say no to such activities when you’re visiting someone else’s home? It made him feel as though she only asked us to visit in order to get these tasks done.

Not that this matters much, but she and her husband are quite wealthy and could easily have hired someone to do some of this work. We find this to be a common issue with his family, although it had not yet happened with this specific aunt.

GENTLE READER: The polite way out is to claim incompetence.

Miss Manners assures you this is always possible, even if, for example, your husband’s day job is repairing washing machines. In that case, he will need to examine the unit, look behind it, scratch his head and pause to consider -- before explaining that this item is entirely outside of his experience, requires special parts, and will take more days than your visit.

Do not despair when the aunt later discovers that the person she finally has to hire disagrees. Your husband’s expression of pleasure at having been wrong will strengthen his claim to incompetence next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the third year in a row, my close friend has emailed me a list of gift ideas for her child. This list is also sent to various other friends and family, in plenty of time before the occasion.

I have never asked for gift ideas for her child. As I live very far away, I am unable to attend any of the child’s birthday parties. Nor am I able to afford a gift, as I have been looking for a job for more than a year now.

The receipt of such an email gives me the impression that I am expected to give this child a present, but I really can’t afford it and am embarrassed to say so. How should I respond? Should she even be sending such an email?

GENTLE READER: Sympathetic as she is to your employment situation, it does not alter Miss Manners’ opinion about your friend’s behavior or how to handle it. Sending a list of desired gifts is presumptuous and rude.

As you do not want to break off the friendship, ignoring the rudeness is the politest course -- and requires no defense on your part. If your friend is pushy enough to inquire, thank her for providing the list -- and leave it at that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow in my mid-50s, and have been on my own for almost a decade. Occasionally I host informal groups of family or friends.

During the summer, I often plan menus with grilled meat because I have a propane barbecue out on the porch. It is a cantankerous old beast, but I am familiar with its eccentricities and can turn out perfectly respectable steak, chicken and grilled vegetables with little trouble. Plus, the house stays cooler.

However, there is one vexing problem I can’t seem to solve. Three times, after settling my guests indoors with drinks and snacks, I’ve gone outside to get our meals cooked, only to be intercepted by a man -- it’s always a man -- insisting that he will handle the grill.

I have said, “Oh, this won’t take long.” I’ve said, “Thanks, kindly, but I’ve got this.” And it’s as if I never spoke. One of them actually took the tongs and dish of meat right out of my hands!

I’m sure these gentlemen meant well, but I found their actions patronizing -- and more than a little galling when I had to choke down the burnt offerings that resulted (see: cantankerous barbecue). I’ve certainly never had any guest, male or female, insist on taking over the cooking duties in my kitchen -- only the outside grill.

I am hoping for a group visit from my extended family later on, pandemic permitting, but it would be a pity for someone to escape COVID only to meet a grisly end of being beaten to death with barbecue tongs.

Miss Manners, please help me avoid becoming a murderess. What could I have done to put a stop to this pattern? I will give grateful consideration to any advice you may care to vouchsafe.

GENTLE READER: Putting aside the legal and ethical aspects, murdering your male guests is a bad idea because they will die with a perplexed “What did I do?” look on their faces that will be profoundly unsatisfying.

Like you, Miss Manners is convinced these men meant well. If we were to peer inside their heads, we would see a childishly simple logic: “Grilling is men’s work. There is no man of the house. I must come to the rescue.” This does not make their behavior less rude, presumptuous or patronizing. But it provides a solution.

Your “Thank you, I will do this” should be delivered with the tone and bearing of an adult correcting a misguided child: not angry, but stern and unyielding. After you have made clear that this is not a negotiation, you can soothe your guest’s wounded pride with a kind smile or pat on the shoulder, paired with a patronizing, “I know you only wanted to make yourself useful.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m cleaning out belongings and discovered a package that was supposed to have been sent as a wedding gift in 2013 to a friend from college. Obviously, I let it fall through the cracks!

Should I send it after the fact, maybe with a note explaining the situation? Or just let it go?

GENTLE READER: Your indecision about whether or not to send the gift is easy for Miss Manners to understand; your question about whether sending it will require an accompanying note, less so.

Yes, send the gift, and yes, accompany it with a humorous -- and apologetic -- letter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I became fast friends and drinking buddies with an (essentially) married couple and the wife’s business partner and close friend, a married man. They helped me through some hard times, although I don’t hang out with them much anymore.

The wife, Arlene, and the partner, Josh, were often together because of their work, and she considers him like a brother. I’ve been single for years, and Josh apparently developed a crush on me. I’ve never had similar feelings, in spite of enjoying his personality -- besides, he’s married. He also has serious weight issues, and I would consider both him and Arlene heavy drinkers.

But Arlene consistently mentioned how she thought Josh just needed a “good woman” to get him out of his marriage. She has flat-out told me numerous times she thinks he went on such-and-such diet hoping to date me.

I made it clear to her from Day 1 that I won’t engage with someone who is married -- happily or not -- and that I don’t have those feelings towards Josh.

Fast-forward to a long-overdue, socially distanced dinner with Arlene, where she mentioned that she really thinks Josh and I would be great together. I lost my patience and point-blank said, “I will never be romantically attracted to Josh.”

She looked like I’d just stolen her beloved cat. How can I dissuade these continuous comments, and what is the correct way to respond?

GENTLE READER: One way to respond is to understand that someone who -- for whatever strange reason -- has no respect for either your wishes or your principles is not your friend. Then if Arlene chooses to pout, you need not attempt to mollify her.

If, for whatever strange reasons of your own, you want to continue the relationship, Miss Manners suggests putting the matter before Josh. As he has apparently not made direct overtures to you, you are free to treat him as another victim of Arlene’s delusion.

“I suppose Arlene must mean well,” you can tell him, “but she is embarrassing us both by trying to promote an adulterous relationship between us. Under any circumstances, a romance between us will always be out of the question, although I hope we will remain friends. She doesn’t listen to me, so please tell her that you don’t want her pestering me on your supposed behalf.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had been invited to a wedding this fall. Due to the pandemic, a small ceremony will still take place; however, the celebration will be postponed. (No date set as I write this.)

When is it appropriate to give a wedding gift? At the time of the ceremony, which we will not attend, or at the celebration?

GENTLE READER: Now. You were invited, presumably to be reinvited when possible, and the couple, whom Miss Manners assumes you want to please, is getting married. That is the reason for giving a wedding present -- not as admission to the wedding.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)