DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much rude and boorish behavior should a host tolerate from a guest before saying something?

We invited some family members over for dinner whom we had not socialized with in some time. They first asked if they could come at 5 p.m., their normal dinnertime; ours is more like 6:30. I offered what I considered a reasonable compromise of 5:30. They arrived at 5:15.

They offered to bring appetizers, which turned out to be a store-bought container of cheese dip (and no crackers).

Dinner was served buffet style, and we allowed the guests to go first. Under similar circumstances, my wife and I would have waited until everyone was seated before starting our meal, but they had no such standards. It also made it too awkward to practice our normal custom of saying grace before the meal.

We did enjoy each others’ company over the evening. The male family member is very outgoing and gregarious. He dominated every conversation to the point of excluding the rest of us. If we were talking, he would simply interrupt or talk loudly over us.

This behavior worsened as the evening -- and alcohol consumption -- continued. After being interrupted several times, I politely asked that he allow me to finish my conversation. A second time, I simply turned to him and asked that he “Stop. Talking.” Neither of these suggestions took hold, so I eventually snapped, raised my voice and said, “Please. Stop. Talking.”

Now I am the pariah of the family, while he is still everyone’s darling boy. What should I have done differently?

GENTLE READER: Buried deep inside your story, you mention that you do actually enjoy this family’s company. Let us try to remember that.

Because while Miss Manners does not insist that you endure rude and boorish behavior, she notices that you seem predetermined to find offenses that, even according to her high standards, do not seem intolerable.

While it is true that hosts should dictate the meal time, reasonable requests can be accommodated. You mentioned no specific reason for the later dinnertime, so why not grant their request -- rather than subject yourself to frustrating and fruitless negotiation?

The lack of crackers and premature seating are also relatively minor infractions, but they obviously gained significance as they built to the point of your explosion. And in etiquette terms, it was an explosion. Insisting during a lively discussion that someone stop talking, when in that person’s mind he was merely being exuberant, is jarring. So while the behavior on his part was rude, your reaction to it was more so.

Instead, ceasing your own conversation until he was finally finished and then quietly and good-naturedly saying, “I wonder if the others could have a turn now. It was bit hard to hear over you,” would have accomplished the same thing. Or at least would have kept the other relatives from turning on you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A family member uses their middle finger, rather than the index finger, when operating devices or pushing buttons. Is this something worth addressing?

GENTLE READER: Only if the finger is being lifted and extended to you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have had my unusually intelligent dog, “Regina,” enrolled in a class to learn advanced tricks. Each dog learned one major trick to demonstrate in a showcase at the end.

A different owner taught her dog to close a cupboard upon command, bringing in a detached cupboard and happily demonstrating that her dog would now nose the cupboard closed upon hearing, “Close it.” After the showcase, the cupboard was open as the students chatted with the instructor.

I mentioned that I should teach Regina the cupboard trick. Without really thinking, just mentally practicing, I looked at Regina and said, “Close it.” Regina promptly did so, since she knew what I meant after watching the other dog do it once.

The other owner’s face fell. I could see she was a little dismayed. I could see how it was thunder-stealing for Regina to easily learn something that had taken the other dog several weeks. I didn’t know what to do, though, so I just stood there awkwardly until the conversation moved on.

The real solution here is probably not to utter commands absentmindedly, but since that already happened, is there anything I could have done to defuse the situation after? I can’t very well tell someone that I’m sorry my dog is so smart, but perhaps I could have made a joke along the lines of, “Oh, your dog must have explained it to her,” or simply said I was sorry without specifying why.

This situation probably arises for parents of highly gifted children, too. What, if anything, should I have done?

GENTLE READER: This course delivered more than was promised: The other dog learned both to close the cabinet and to teach it to his fellow canines. At least that is what Miss Manners would approve your graciously asserting to ease embarrassment all around. Then Regina’s owner will also have learned a new trick.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years back, a co-worker known for her sharp tongue commented that I needed to give her the “short version” of whatever she’d asked me. This hurt my feelings, but also got me wondering if I was talking too much.

Since then, I’ve tried to be as concise as possible, and actually don’t say much except to family and close friends. Now I get criticized for not talking.

Is there such a thing as a happy medium? If so, how do I reach it?

GENTLE READER: It is very sporting of you to try to accommodate a demand delivered in such a peremptory way, but Miss Manners does not see it ever having the intended effect.

Your rude co-worker will never be satisfied, and everyone you meet will have a different opinion about how much time they have to listen. Better to say what you intend, in the number of words you think it merits, and trust that well-meaning listeners will appreciate it when you allow them to do the same.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 13-year-old girl in a small ethnic community, and am part of the community’s children’s choir. Our choir instructor, who is in her mid-20s, is getting married in a few months.

I bumped into her and her fiance at a religious event, and after saying hello and asking how they were, I also asked them, “How is wedding planning going?”

Instantly they both got angry and said my question was very rude.

My intention was to be polite and make small talk. I promise I wasn’t fishing for an invite or anything like that. The only reason I even asked is because she has spoken about her wedding in front of our choir before.

Was my generic question truly rude? I really don’t think it was, but I am no longer sure. After they criticized me, I apologized and walked away stunned. I’m not sure what to think now.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners is hesitant to tell a young adult that her elders will not always be right, she does so now in recognition that you would have discovered this yourself soon enough.

Next time, you will also realize that their united vehemence did not demonstrate that they were correct, but rather that the wedding planning was not going well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, I did a great deal of home renovation projects. I found myself constantly astonished at the number of contractors and skilled workers who never responded to my inquiries requesting estimates for the work to be done.

This included contractors who had come to the house and discussed the work, but then never responded again. I have heard the same story from other friends as well. Do these people not understand that they are running a business?

Now I’m in the position of needing a contractor to return and follow up on a problem that he thought he had solved. Plus, there is an item that I offered to give him, but that he never picked up.

I gave this contractor over $100,000 worth of work and I have received no response after two inquiries. I’ve been tempted to write again with a snide comment on the order of: “After all the work and money I gave you, you can’t follow up on my request?” But perhaps Miss Manners can provide a more polite and effective way of eliciting a response.

GENTLE READER: While she agrees that contractors and workers who do not respond to inquiries for estimates are both rude and poor business people, Miss Manners bars the teaching of manners by civilians. You will therefore have to settle for an admonition that you are disappointed that they do not have time for new business.

Such a communication need not be limited to the contractor -- it can be shared with his or her supervisor and the inevitable follow-up from the company’s sales department about your level of satisfaction.

The situation with the contractor you have already worked with is different: He has failed to provide the contracted service, and can be pursued with all the tools and energy available to aggrieved customers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)