life

Preparing for an Unlikely Etiquette Scenario

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 15th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one were to get food on one’s eyeglasses while one is wearing them, should one use a napkin to clean them? Or another item, such as a microfiber cloth or handkerchief?

This has yet to happen to me in a public setting, but I am curious if this question has a definitive answer.

GENTLE READER: Would you mind telling Miss Manners how you propose to squirt your food onto your eyeglasses? Much as she admires your prudence in preparing for such a possibility, she cannot come up with a scenario.

Surely you know that when squeezing a lemon onto a dish, you should aim the juicy part downwards. And that you should not drop dumplings into your soup from a great height. Or pitch too zealously into your grapefruit.

But you wanted an answer. All right. It is: Remove your glasses. Do not sit there with gravy dripping from your face, pretending that nothing happened. If you cannot wipe them inconspicuously, go to the bathroom and do so.

life

Miss Manners for September 15, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 15th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our wedding got canceled, but we got married anyway at city hall. My husband and I plan on having the reception next year, once things settle down.

I do very much want to have the father-daughter dance and a chance to wear my wedding dress. We plan to stage photos. We are not asking for gifts, just for family and friends to attend.

We have gotten some pushback; people are saying it will be “fake” and that it is tacky for me to wear my dress after I will have been married for a year.

We could have just rescheduled the wedding, but we needed to get married for health care since my husband has an illness and lost his job.

This criticism is very hurtful. I didn’t get to have my father walk me down the aisle, and I want to dance with him. Are we out of line?

GENTLE READER: Consider how this is perceived in regard to costume jewelry: It is only “fake” if it is pretending to be what it is not. But it can be lovely in itself if it is frankly what it is.

To pretend that you and your husband are actually getting married would not only be asking your guests to participate in a charade, it would also undercut the seriousness of the vows you actually took -- as if they didn’t count unless accompanied by the customary hoopla.

Yet Miss Manners -- and, she is guessing, people who care about you -- could be touched by your sentimentality if it is frankly stated. You cannot squeeze this into formal invitations, so, when the time comes, write a letter to explain the delayed reception to which you are inviting people.

It would be something like, “Having been unable to celebrate our wedding with you last summer, Oliver and I request the pleasure of your company now that it is possible to gather safely at a reception. We hope you will indulge our desire to enjoy some of the wedding customs we missed. When else would I get a chance to wear my wedding dress?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Pandemic Makes It Easier to Enforce Personal Boundaries

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 14th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy personal space and do not like being touched, other than by my husband. I am a friendly, outgoing person who simply doesn’t like to hug.

It shouldn’t be a big deal, except to my mother-in-law, it is. She insists on hugging me upon her arrival and departure -- of every visit. Her boyfriend does the same to me.

I dread it. I try to avoid it, then submit to it stiffly. This has gone on for 10 years. I have told her I don’t like to hug. She says, “Well, I do!” and hugs me. At the end of her visits, I walk them politely to the door and say “bye,” but it just isn’t enough for her.

Why do people feel the need to force themselves upon others in this manner? I finally had enough at a family event when she walked up to where I was seated, announced she was leaving and demanded I stand and hug her. I told her in front of the whole family I do not like to hug and that she shouldn’t demand hugs.

Now she is quite offended and makes many angry passive-aggressive comments.

Certainly it cannot be polite to demand hugs, can it? Is this really a social convention I must accept? My friends and I do not hug, nor do I hug my sisters, though I love them dearly. Is this a generational thing? I am so uncomfortable now that I don’t know what to do.

GENTLE READER: You are in luck. It is not often one can say something positive in regard to the pandemic, but it certainly has cut down on unwanted hugging.

You can now say sweetly, as you hastily back away, “I think we’d better maintain social distancing. I certainly wouldn’t want to endanger you.” For that matter, you don’t need the virus to do this, as if alluding to some ordinary indisposition.

Miss Manners has been hoping that the pandemic has taught all kinds of people who go in for unwanted touching to keep their hands to themselves. Hugs should not be some sort of benefit that the arrogant can bestow on the unwilling, but a matter of mutual consent, if not mutual affection.

life

Miss Manners for September 14, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 14th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a lunch for a dear friend of mine (just her and me) in order to celebrate her birthday. Both of us have been isolating ourselves and she had been feeling depressed, so I invited her to my home for a birthday lunch in order to get her out of the house.

I spent two days shopping for food, preparing it, setting a pretty table, arranging flowers and buying her a gift. After lunch, she left in a hurry, telling me that her drywall guy just texted her to see if he could come over now to do some work.

I have not heard from her since that date. No thank-you text. No thank-you card. No phone call.

I’m offended and hurt by her actions. Am I overreacting?

GENTLE READER: No.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Cleaning One’s Teeth at the Table -- Stealthily

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 12th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever acceptable to remove food from one’s teeth at the table? I have extremely uneven teeth, and invariably have food showing after I’ve eaten -- in places where it cannot be dislodged by a sweep of the tongue.

Ordinarily, I retreat to the ladies’ room immediately following a meal to remove any bits of remaining food. But I serve on a nonprofit board of directors, and in the circumstance of our meetings, I would risk missing important information -- or worse, being absent when it is my turn to report.

I carry floss and toothpicks, but was raised that it’s extremely rude to conduct this bit of grooming at the table (although I do see others do it from time to time). Yet I am mortified to think that I might be speaking and smiling among a group with food visible on my teeth.

Of course, we are not currently meeting in person, but the thought of facing this issue again when in-person meetings are permitted causes some anxiety. I welcome your advice.

GENTLE READER: Perfect the move of appearing as though you are retrieving something in your purse beneath the seat, and then quickly flossing until you have time to retreat to the ladies’ room.

Miss Manners warns you that this must be deftly performed so as not to concern your lunch partners that something more untoward is happening under the table. Fortunately, you have lots of time at home to practice.

life

Miss Manners for September 12, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 12th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to go out on a date, just for a bite to eat and a movie. I was polite and brought flowers. Then the person who took me out said that I was to pay for everything.

Is that a rude revelation? I get stuck with the bill for dinner, a movie and drinks, when the one who asked me out demands that I pay? Is that totally right?

If I ask the person out for coffee or lunch/dinner, I often say that I will pick up the tab the first time, then let the other person pick it up the second time.

I get flattered when asked out, but then shocked and embarrassed when they act like I’m Mr. Moneybags. What are your thoughts and suggestions?

GENTLE READER: It is never polite to invite someone to pay for your dinner and evening’s entertainment --particularly by ambushing someone into doing so.

Your friend might think that she is adhering to outdated gender roles -- or was confused in that regard by the flowers you brought.

But Miss Manners assures you that paying is the responsibility of the person who issues the invitation. If the relationship moves forward and the requests become more mutual, alternating the generosity, as you propose, is acceptable.

life

Miss Manners for September 12, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 12th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a grandbaby in the family. The mother is my sister’s daughter. I am not the grandmother; what is my title?

GENTLE READER: Great-aunt. But only time, and your relationship, will tell if Grand ultimately outranks Great.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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