life

Pandemic Makes It Easier to Enforce Personal Boundaries

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 14th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy personal space and do not like being touched, other than by my husband. I am a friendly, outgoing person who simply doesn’t like to hug.

It shouldn’t be a big deal, except to my mother-in-law, it is. She insists on hugging me upon her arrival and departure -- of every visit. Her boyfriend does the same to me.

I dread it. I try to avoid it, then submit to it stiffly. This has gone on for 10 years. I have told her I don’t like to hug. She says, “Well, I do!” and hugs me. At the end of her visits, I walk them politely to the door and say “bye,” but it just isn’t enough for her.

Why do people feel the need to force themselves upon others in this manner? I finally had enough at a family event when she walked up to where I was seated, announced she was leaving and demanded I stand and hug her. I told her in front of the whole family I do not like to hug and that she shouldn’t demand hugs.

Now she is quite offended and makes many angry passive-aggressive comments.

Certainly it cannot be polite to demand hugs, can it? Is this really a social convention I must accept? My friends and I do not hug, nor do I hug my sisters, though I love them dearly. Is this a generational thing? I am so uncomfortable now that I don’t know what to do.

GENTLE READER: You are in luck. It is not often one can say something positive in regard to the pandemic, but it certainly has cut down on unwanted hugging.

You can now say sweetly, as you hastily back away, “I think we’d better maintain social distancing. I certainly wouldn’t want to endanger you.” For that matter, you don’t need the virus to do this, as if alluding to some ordinary indisposition.

Miss Manners has been hoping that the pandemic has taught all kinds of people who go in for unwanted touching to keep their hands to themselves. Hugs should not be some sort of benefit that the arrogant can bestow on the unwilling, but a matter of mutual consent, if not mutual affection.

life

Miss Manners for September 14, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 14th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a lunch for a dear friend of mine (just her and me) in order to celebrate her birthday. Both of us have been isolating ourselves and she had been feeling depressed, so I invited her to my home for a birthday lunch in order to get her out of the house.

I spent two days shopping for food, preparing it, setting a pretty table, arranging flowers and buying her a gift. After lunch, she left in a hurry, telling me that her drywall guy just texted her to see if he could come over now to do some work.

I have not heard from her since that date. No thank-you text. No thank-you card. No phone call.

I’m offended and hurt by her actions. Am I overreacting?

GENTLE READER: No.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Cleaning One’s Teeth at the Table -- Stealthily

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 12th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever acceptable to remove food from one’s teeth at the table? I have extremely uneven teeth, and invariably have food showing after I’ve eaten -- in places where it cannot be dislodged by a sweep of the tongue.

Ordinarily, I retreat to the ladies’ room immediately following a meal to remove any bits of remaining food. But I serve on a nonprofit board of directors, and in the circumstance of our meetings, I would risk missing important information -- or worse, being absent when it is my turn to report.

I carry floss and toothpicks, but was raised that it’s extremely rude to conduct this bit of grooming at the table (although I do see others do it from time to time). Yet I am mortified to think that I might be speaking and smiling among a group with food visible on my teeth.

Of course, we are not currently meeting in person, but the thought of facing this issue again when in-person meetings are permitted causes some anxiety. I welcome your advice.

GENTLE READER: Perfect the move of appearing as though you are retrieving something in your purse beneath the seat, and then quickly flossing until you have time to retreat to the ladies’ room.

Miss Manners warns you that this must be deftly performed so as not to concern your lunch partners that something more untoward is happening under the table. Fortunately, you have lots of time at home to practice.

life

Miss Manners for September 12, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 12th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to go out on a date, just for a bite to eat and a movie. I was polite and brought flowers. Then the person who took me out said that I was to pay for everything.

Is that a rude revelation? I get stuck with the bill for dinner, a movie and drinks, when the one who asked me out demands that I pay? Is that totally right?

If I ask the person out for coffee or lunch/dinner, I often say that I will pick up the tab the first time, then let the other person pick it up the second time.

I get flattered when asked out, but then shocked and embarrassed when they act like I’m Mr. Moneybags. What are your thoughts and suggestions?

GENTLE READER: It is never polite to invite someone to pay for your dinner and evening’s entertainment --particularly by ambushing someone into doing so.

Your friend might think that she is adhering to outdated gender roles -- or was confused in that regard by the flowers you brought.

But Miss Manners assures you that paying is the responsibility of the person who issues the invitation. If the relationship moves forward and the requests become more mutual, alternating the generosity, as you propose, is acceptable.

life

Miss Manners for September 12, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 12th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a grandbaby in the family. The mother is my sister’s daughter. I am not the grandmother; what is my title?

GENTLE READER: Great-aunt. But only time, and your relationship, will tell if Grand ultimately outranks Great.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

MIL Puts Best Foot Forward When Making Soup

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 11th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law isn’t originally from this country, and loves to make chicken soup for me. She is a dear, sweet woman, and I do not want to offend her in any way. However, there is the matter of the ingredients.

There is the chicken meat, of course; some celery, just a few tomatoes and lots of noodles that she makes herself. But, to her, it isn’t quite chicken soup without the chicken’s feet.

I can get past the gizzard and the heart, since they settle to the bottom of the bowl. But at least one of the feet always ends up in my bowl, and, in case you did not know this, they float.

Again, I can still eat the soup. It is always delicious. However, I spend half my time trying to push the foot back to the bottom of the bowl, and the silly thing is right back up on the top by the time I get even one spoonful to my mouth. Any thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Learn to perfect slipping them out of your soup and into a handkerchief unnoticed. This may mean that you end up with a pocketful of chicken feet. But if you find them inedible, Miss Manners hopes that it will still be better than a mouthful.

life

Miss Manners for September 11, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 11th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette when meeting a client or business colleague for a coffee business meeting? It’s my belief that etiquette dictates waiting for all parties to arrive before going to the counter and placing an order.

However, on more than one occasion, I’ve arrived on time to a meeting to find that the other party has arrived early, ordered, and is sipping their coffee. Now I feel awkward, and must choose between going to the counter to order my own beverage while forcing them to wait for me to start the meeting, or forgo a coffee and force them to sip in solitude.

What is the correct thing to do in both scenarios? Am I to arrive early and order before the scheduled meeting start time, or wait for all parties to arrive before ordering? What am I to do if I arrive on time and the other party has already ordered?

GENTLE READER: It is almost impossible to meet in a coffee shop at the exact same time as another party. There is always that awkward moment where you go in to see if the other party is there, and in doing so, find yourself inevitably herded to the counter being asked for your order.

Taking up table space without a purchase is also not an option, particularly now when social distancing makes seating rare. Miss Manners agrees that meeting outside at the appointed time is the best option. She suggests that from now on, you make that clear when setting up appointments. Or stick to videoconferencing, where others can bring their own beverages -- as long as it is suitably prepared before the meeting starts.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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