life

Why Can’t We Just Say ‘I’m Sorry’?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 7th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some friends and I have noticed an uptick in people “correcting” us when we say “I’m sorry.”

It can be as simple as my saying, “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day” (“Why are you sorry? You didn’t cause it”), to apologizing for being late (“No ‘sorry’ needed”), to expressing condolences over the death of a spouse (“Don’t be sorry; she’s in a better place”).

I feel discounted and dismissed, not to mention somewhat appalled that I would be admonished in public. Why don’t people just say “Thank you” and leave it at that? What gives, and is there anything I can say?!

GENTLE READER: The apology has indeed been much maligned by every means -- from considering it an admission of wrongdoing to being cited as the reason women do not receive promotions at work.

But like you, Miss Manners finds it a symbol of polite society, not yet another courtesy to be viciously picked apart for its literal interpretation. Even qualifying it with why one is sorry -- as in, “I am so sorry for your loss” -- can, as you say, be found to have fault.

“I meant I am sorry for you,” said weakly and with a sigh, seems to be about the best that can be mustered -- until we learn as a society to accept compassion graciously.

life

Miss Manners for August 07, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 7th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a neighbor who is extremely outspoken and opinionated about everything!

I, on the other hand, go with the flow in my life and don’t let negativity take up space in my mind if I can help it.

I struggle with knowing how to be a good neighbor and not wanting to hear all her ranting. Usually I try to make sure I’m not out when she is, and if so, I just wave or say hi, but pray she doesn’t run over and start up. What’s the best way to handle this, as I live directly across the street?

GENTLE READER: Keep something permanently cooking on the stove.

life

Miss Manners for August 07, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 7th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have friends who were supposed to be married soon, but due to COVID-19, they have had to postpone the wedding until the fall. Back in January, I ordered them a gift that is personalized with their names and original wedding date.

What is the appropriate thing to do with this gift? Should I still give it to them, or should I just toss it, since it can’t be returned? If I give it to them, should I do so now or wait until the fall? I just don’t want to commit a faux pas or upset them because they had to postpone their wedding.

GENTLE READER: As much as Miss Manners hates to see this thoughtful present go to waste, she is afraid that giving it to the couple might be an unfortunate reminder of what did not transpire -- or befuddling to their future children or archivists.

Perhaps the retailer will take pity and be able to design over the engraving or otherwise detract from it. If not, it might be more tactful to keep it, turn it the other way around and get the couple another present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Handling Bike Lane Infractions

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 6th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate to live near numerous public parks. These parks have two parallel lanes: one for bikes/rollerblades and another for foot traffic. The rules for which lane to use are well-known and well-posted.

Sometimes I encounter foot traffic in the bike lane. This is both an annoyance and a safety concern, as I may need to go over a barrier or onto the grass to avoid a collision. It doesn’t really bother me if people walk along the edge or briefly drift onto the bike lane to avoid obstacles, but those that walk down the middle of the bike lane drive me nuts.

I have taken to saying “You’re in the bike lane” as I zip past. This alerts them and allows them to correct their position if it was inadvertently chosen.

But honestly, my comment is intended -- and received -- as a scold, and sometimes embarrasses them, as others hear it. It’s also strictly true, so there’s that. I never look back after passing, as I don’t want to further escalate nor encourage them to shout a retort.

Will Miss Manners allow this? Or how else can I respond?

GENTLE READER: There was never a high probability that Miss Manners was going to approve your yelling at pedestrians after you nearly ran them down.

This is not to say that your problem is insoluble, merely that it requires a different approach. Stick to the bike lane. Ring your bell, and if you want to take the time to instruct, stop in front of the pedestrian and dismount with a look of surprise and concern -- as if you only just avoided a life-threatening collision.

“I’m so glad I saw you in time. This is the bike lane. Are you OK?” This will embarrass them without leaving them yelling at you. And it will avoid your being rude in the event that the pedestrian’s crime was not premeditated.

life

Miss Manners for August 06, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 6th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a personal (not business) phone call, which person should begin to end the call: the one who initiated the call, or the call receiver? Or does it not matter?

GENTLE READER: It is not who initiates the termination of a call, but rather how it is done, that is the more important point. The available methods are infinite, ranging from the rude slamming down of the receiver -- meant to terminate not just the call, but possibly the friendship as well -- to the tactful “Well, I won’t keep you,” to the traditional “Sorry, I have to go; I hear my mother calling.”

In these days of time-limited videoconferencing, Miss Manners prefers almost any one of these to the communication snapping off at the whim of a distant electron.

life

Miss Manners for August 06, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 6th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are baby announcements (mailed via the postal service, not email) still a thing? I am expecting and wondering.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette still prefers such announcements to chronicling every minute of the pregnancy and birth online. But given the universal enthusiasm for talking about oneself and encouraging presents, Miss Manners is surprised they are not more popular with parents-to-be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Replying to Online Birthday Wishes

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 5th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m connected to many friends and acquaintances on social media. For my birthday, well over a hundred people posted their wishes publicly on my page.

While I would prefer more personal, private messages (which close friends indeed sent), I do appreciate the kindness, and hence make it a point to respond to every posted message with a brief, individual reply.

However, I noticed that this approach is fairly uncommon: Most people simply share a generic “Thanks, everyone, for all your wishes” post on their page shortly after the event. As a sender of wishes to others, I would find that disappointingly generic and rather impersonal.

What is the perfect way to thank a large group of people for their birthday wishes on social media?

GENTLE READER: One writes thank-you letters, in part, to recognize and reciprocate the effort exerted by a gift giver.

But although Miss Manners, like you, prefers good manners to efficiency, she recognizes that requiring an individual response to every low-exertion expression of goodwill in such a situation would crush the festive spirit of even the most committed birthday girl. Direct felicitations should be acknowledged, but the public nature of the greetings you describe allows for a group response.

This is a minimum standard. While there is no ban on your responding individually to each “Happy bday Cindi!!!!”, doing so 100 times in a public way may convey an impression of self-absorption rather than gratitude.

life

Miss Manners for August 05, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 5th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable for visiting grown children to take food from their parents’ fridge without asking? Or is it more appropriate to ask, “May I take such-and-such?”

GENTLE READER: Likely, Justin and Jenna -- who now have children of their own -- fondly remember helping themselves to cheese slices while doing algebra homework. What their parents remember is their annoyance at finding empty wrappers on the living room carpet.

But now those children are guests -- privileged ones, but no longer residents -- so they should ask. Fond parents may wish to preempt this with a standing offer to help themselves, which fond children should reciprocate by periodically restocking the refrigerator.

life

Miss Manners for August 05, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 5th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife has had a very dear friend for many years. This friend’s son, of some age himself, was recently contacted by a child who said that he was his birth father.

How does one inform close friends and associates of this new addition to his family? The grandmother happens to be thrilled that she has a new youngster to dote on and to spoil.

GENTLE READER: With associates, Miss Manners recommends a bold approach: that your wife’s friend introduce him as what he is -- her son’s son from a previous relationship -- while acting as though it is only she, not the father, with whom the boy was not previously acquainted.

Friends and family will require a less ambiguous explanation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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