DEAR MISS MANNERS: Somewhere along the line, I was led to believe that a handwritten note was preferable to a printed card for expressing sympathy.

I’ve been sending handwritten notes on notecards I make on my computer -- the front has a picture of a butterfly flying toward a bright light, and the back has our names and contact information. I leave the inside blank to write on. I admit these cost me very little to make.

My father died a couple of months ago, and I received many beautiful store-bought greeting cards -- most with handwritten notes of various lengths about my dad, in addition to the signature below the printed sentiment.

Am I being cheap and gauche to use my homemade cards? Should I be buying expensive cards to send sympathy notes?

A lot of our friends are losing parents, siblings and spouses, and I have quite a few to write. I would really need to buy cards by the box to have enough, but the ones I received were bought individually from the card rack. They are much fancier than the boxed kind or the ones I make myself.

GENTLE READER: The odd notion that it is somehow important that condolences be sent on a commercial card is widespread, Miss Manners has noted with amazement.

Don’t people understand that the key element of expressing condolences to the bereaved, and tributes to the deceased, is the part that the senders write themselves? That, and not your choice from a card rack, is what makes the card meaningfully personal. Whether you write it on plain paper or designs you find on the computer, or alongside preprinted sentiments, is irrelevant.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son, now 26 years old, has been coached his entire life about manners. He has had some difficulty accepting the rationale behind some conventions, but I found him open-minded in a discussion about the proper way to manage silverware.

He accepts most of the requests I have made about his eating habits, but we squared off on the point of holding a fork in the right hand. I found myself speechless when he pointed out that we Americans accept Europeans holding their forks in the left hand.

His point is, why should Americans be offended by other Americans using this eating style, when they are not offended by Europeans doing so? We have agreed to abide by your opinion.

GENTLE READER: Try cultural appropriation: He’s an American aping European manners.

What makes this worse than appearing to patronize other cultures (a charge that gives Miss Manners trouble, as she generally sees it as flattering) is that it smacks of a different sort of snobbery: that if Europeans do it, it must be fancier.

But it also comes of an historical muddle -- that it must be an older tradition, and thus prized by traditionalists. In fact, what is now the American way of eating was the old European one that colonists brought here. It was the Europeans who changed by speeding up, which is exactly what traditionalists would reject.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the circumstance where someone suffers a horrific and life-altering medical event, is it ever OK for someone who is not a close friend or family member to relay the message?

When such an event occurs in my family, I prefer others to spread the news in order to take it off of our hands, so we may grieve and heal. However, when I am privy to such information that has yet to make its way around, I am highly reluctant to share with the uninformed parties.

Is there a “proper” way to go about this?

GENTLE READER: Give, or get, permission.

If the news is yours to give, and you would prefer someone else did the honors, then designate a close friend or relative to do so, specifying (and prioritizing so as not to overburden them) who would most need to hear it. If the information is given to you, ask if it would be helpful to tell others, and which ones.

Miss Manners has no doubt that circumstances and individuals will vary widely in either situation. Having good intentions and using tact and discretion will help in figuring out who prefers what methods for spreading unfortunate news, but it is wise to ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I made a birthday box for one of my 13 grandchildren, who is 13. I took time to decorate a box with ribbons and vintage stickers, etc. Inside were a variety of gifts and some cash.

On our travels, my husband and I always look for special items that we think the kids would like. If they request something specific, we try and get them that. Our card read, “Wherever we are, we are always thinking of you, as we are now on your birthday. Love, Grandpa & Grandma.”

We sent it the day before her birthday. My husband and I were excited to hear back from her to see if she liked her gifts, but more importantly, to connect with her and see what was new, what she was doing, etc.

We never heard from her. A few days later, my husband received a text from his daughter saying that Morgan really liked her gifts, and thanks. I am hurt and don’t know what, if any, my response should be. I feel this is a teachable moment for Morgan, and that she should learn to acknowledge a gift, no matter what it is, and not have her parent do it. I don’t feel comfortable bringing this up to my stepdaughter, who I feel should be the one to teach her daughter.

GENTLE READER: Make your husband do it.

Or better yet, Miss Manners suggests that you start a separate correspondence with your granddaughter. Tell her how much you enjoy finding things she’d like, but how much more you’d like to spend time getting to know her. You could add that if the presents are not to her liking, you won’t burden her with them, but that if you got to know each other better, you would be able to better identify things that she liked.

If Morgan is smart and likes material goods, she will quickly learn to thank you herself -- and you will have established your own relationship.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Cleaning out 30 years of home.

Gave away to a very close friend two items

I regretted giving

Called her next morning

Asked for them back

I made an overwhelmed decision

May I have back

She said no

You gave them away

She gave them to her daughter

Was very hurt/disheartened by her decision

Kept friendship

Had given her at least 30 items before this

So

Who was right

I myself would have given them back

GENTLE READER:

Unfortunately

She gave it to her daughter

So she too would be forced to ask for something back

Which she obviously won’t like

However

Miss Manners has some sympathy

She will grant you

One more appeal:

My grandmother gave me that necklace and brooch.

Might your daughter like to pick out something else of mine?

I have some other wonderful things.

But if your very close friend refuses

Miss Manners is afraid that you must let it

Drop

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has the habit of leaning three inches from his plate and sniffing his food. I contend that it is offensive to do this; it conveys the message to me that he is questioning the food’s consumability. He maintains that it is human nature to smell one’s food, and that it is a survival instinct found throughout nature. Who is correct?

GENTLE READER: What is natural and what is correct are two very different things. After all, it is also a survival instinct to relieve oneself at the exact place and time that one finds it necessary, but even dogs learn to curb that tendency. Quite literally.

A survival instinct is something instilled in order to continue the species. Therefore, by your husband’s own logic, if he is smelling his food with the intention of warding off his own death, that is indeed offensive to the chef.

However, if your husband can manage to disguise these unseemly whiffs to look as though he is merely delighting at the aroma, then Miss Manners supposes it could be made acceptable. It would have to be terribly convincing, though.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my friends is super overdramatic! What do I do to help my friend not overreact to everything?!

GENTLE READER: How dramatic?! Is it of the false alarm variety? As in, “Quick! Come over now, it’s an emergency!” when your friend can’t decide what to wear on a date? Or is it more hyperbole: “I literally wanted to die” after accidentally stepping on someone’s toe?

In either case, the response is to take your friend seriously. For the first: “What? What?! Oh my gosh, you scared me. I thought your hair was on fire!” And for the second, “If you are contemplating harming yourself, then we should definitely get you some help.”

In order for this to be effective, however, Miss Manners insists that there must not be a trace of sarcasm in your tone. Then one of two things will happen. Either your friend will be surprised that you are taking those announcements seriously, and recognize that they must be toned down, or it will lead to accusations of your being the one who is overly dramatic.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)