life

Wife Seeks Permission to Ban Hubby’s Egg-Eating Method

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | July 17th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband eats eggs that are cooked over-easy as if it were a surgical procedure: With extreme precision, he cuts a square on top of the egg and pulls the flap back to expose the yolk. He then cuts his sausage and dips it into the yolk puddle. He claims this is perfectly acceptable and does not violate any element of good table manners.

For some reason, even as I describe this faux-fondue eating method, I find it a disgusting appetite suppressant. However, I can find no reference in my etiquette books that addresses this matter specifically.

Isn’t this a variation of playing with one’s food?

GENTLE READER: The etiquette rule that applies here is that any eating habit that disgusts one’s partner to the point of nausea should be ceased immediately. Miss Manners recommends that you encourage your husband to eat his over-easy eggs in private -- and serve only hard-boiled or scrambled ones when you are breakfasting together.

life

Miss Manners for July 17, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | July 17th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I bought my dear friend a wedding shower gift back in January, before the world turned upside down. The gift was purchased through her registry, and I received a notification that it was delivered to the bride and groom.

A few weeks later, both the shower and the wedding were delayed until 2021. I’ve spoken to my friend on the phone several times since then, but she has not brought up the gift.

I completely understand that my gift is not at the top of her mind, and I haven’t felt like it was appropriate to bring it up, but should I check to see if she received it at all? Is it tacky to give her a picture of the gift at the shower next year, or am I on the hook for two gifts?

GENTLE READER: Better to find out now, so that you can rectify the delivery problem, if need be, and alleviate any future doubt or resentment: “With the mail system being a bit precarious right now, I wasn’t sure if you had received the ravioli cutter. Please let me know if it did not come, and I will call the retailer.”

If you would prefer not to blame the mail system, which has enough troubles, you could wait until the event is rescheduled. Miss Manners does find giving a picture of the present a tad off-color. However, a gentle reminder -- as in, “I am so sorry for the circumstances, but I am glad that you got to use the cutter while we were quarantined. It seems that we all had the instinct to make homemade pasta or bread” -- would not be remiss.

life

Miss Manners for July 17, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | July 17th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My little brother always wakes me up in the morning and bothers me. I have tried to tell him calmly to go. I usually yell at him. What should I do? I want to sell my brother.

GENTLE READER: You might offer him back to the owners first, although being pre-owned, they may not give you the best price.

They can, however, get involved and help redirect these unwanted alarms, or at least propose a more mutually acceptable timeline for them. Barring that, Miss Manners suggests that you get their permission to invest in a lock -- and noise-canceling headphones.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Politely Keeping Someone Off Nonprofit Board

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | July 16th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have the pleasure of serving on a nonprofit board in my community for a volunteer program, which takes up a great deal of my time. I am entirely new to board membership -- being young and only recently graduated from college -- and am finding myself ignorant about how to proceed in certain cases.

One such case is before me: It’s been proposed that we add to the board a volunteer with our organization who, though personally pleasant and energetic, I find extremely difficult to work with. She has engaged in some really thoughtless spending with the nonprofit’s money, and created a paperwork fiasco that endangered our founding grant.

We have open meetings, so I find myself with the unlovely choices of announcing these qualms in front of her, going behind her back to tell other board members what I think privately, or standing aside from the vote. Or faking sick until the issue is resolved without me.

We live in quite a small community, and I am worried about antagonizing someone who has worked very hard for us, even though she often works very hard at doing things that we then spend time trying to fix. Do the rules of courtesy have any proposals for how to deal with such a case?

GENTLE READER: It is time to learn a phrase that is familiar to every board member with only slightly more experience than yourself: executive session.

This is the part of the meeting when the board sends away the nonmembers so they can talk about the staff (or anyone else) behind their backs.

Far from being something that board members apologize for, it is the time when they can carry out their primary duty of oversight, or, in this case, vetting the future leadership of the organization. Even nonprofits assert their ability to run “like a business,” and this is the time to prove it by expressing your concerns in an impersonal, matter-of-fact way.

Miss Manners will not, however, object if you conclude your remarks by saying what a nice, well-meaning person she is -- you just felt duty-bound to raise the issue of her past performance.

life

Miss Manners for July 16, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | July 16th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m part of a golf group on the weekends. We’re all friends. But there are six of us, we can only play a fivesome, and I was the latest addition to the group. A few members are VERY unreliable. One time, one of the guys opted out because of travel plans, and I was notified I was playing -- only to be dropped at the last minute when his plans changed. No class.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. Miss Manners would have expected your group to come to an understanding about a regular rotation, but she has no objection to a seniority rule if it works for the members.

However, last-minute invitations are hurtful enough without the additional rejection of rescinding them. This is true even if the activity does not involve clubs or high-speed projectiles.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

No Social Media? No Need to Explain

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | July 15th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please provide a polite, subject-closing way to let people know I have no intention of joining the world of social media. People become quite angry when I say this, presumably because they think I am judging them for wasting time.

I am a teacher, and my profession depends on discretion and moral behavior: two items not readily in evidence on social media.

GENTLE READER: As a teacher, you no doubt recognize that Liam has to attend class, study and pass the exam before he can forget everything you tried to teach him. Etiquette is equally reluctant to skip to the final bell by providing an opening response that closes the subject.

Several answers, none final, as to why you do not participate in social media include: “I just don’t have the time,” “I’m not particularly interested,” and “I don’t really enjoy it.”

If you repeat these often enough, without elaborating, you will wear down your inquisitor. And you will avoid the consequences of telling someone that you consider the thing they cherish most to be indiscreet -- and worse.

life

Miss Manners for July 15, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | July 15th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The science on wearing masks seems inconclusive, leading to near-religious zealotry on both sides. In public, there is no way to avoid taking a side. Governors, mayors, news anchors and doctors appear on TV hectoring the public to wear masks, while not wearing them themselves.

I can see why people dismiss such guidance and feel the need to take the matter into their own hands. Individuals who would ordinarily mind their own business now feel empowered to demand others accommodate their views.

What is a person to do when confronted in public by busybodies who disagree with their choice?

GENTLE READER: It was to avoid such problems that quarantines used to be (and still have been) given the force of law. When they come in the form of guidance, the best defense for an individual is still citing authority, as in, “I’m doing it because the CDC says it will protect your health.”

Miss Manners cautions against trying to reason with those who prefer the medical advice of politicians and news anchors to that of doctors. The only conflict remaining, then, is with those who are against social distancing -- so removing oneself from their vicinity serves a double purpose.

life

Miss Manners for July 15, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | July 15th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be bad etiquette to publicly shame a father who is trying to back out of paying child support? I know people have different reasons, but this person has a trust fund that could cover payments in harder times. Should we bring back some form of public shaming, or do we have to relegate that to the “good old days” and let deadbeat dads just go along their way?

GENTLE READER: Public shaming is a lethal weapon, often cruelly used, and Miss Manners urges you to be mindful of the details. Governments who publish lists of citizens arrested for driving under the influence only do so with good evidence to support the assertion.

The facts around divorces are not always so transparent to third parties. If you are not sure, avoiding his company yourself is less risky than challenging him about it at a cocktail party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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