life

Calling Back Just To Say ‘Bye’

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 10th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cellular phone sometimes drops calls, and I am suddenly disconnected from the person I was speaking to. If this occurs in the middle of a conversation, I normally call the person back, explain what happened with an apology, and resume the conversation.

I am wondering what to do if the call is disconnected right at the end of a conversation, when goodbyes are either about to be said or are in the process. It seems a little silly to call back to say, “Sorry, the phone got disconnected. So anyway, goodbye!”

I don’t want to risk the other person thinking I rudely hung up, though, by not explaining what happened.

GENTLE READER: Cellular telephones are one of many modern devices constructed to make us feel silly, so do not let that stop you from calling back to conclude the conversation.

Miss Manners realizes that this will be condemned by those who most value efficiency, although she suspects that even they do not appreciate being hung up on. If you are already busy with the next call, a text will suffice: “I think my phone decided we were done before we were. It was lovely to speak with you. Talk to you soon.”

life

Miss Manners for June 10, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 10th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m married, childless and unemployed, and sometimes face the question: “What do you DO all day?”

I can usually tell when it’s just a conversation starter with new acquaintances, and find those conversations pleasant enough. However, sometimes the question comes from friends and relatives, with an edge to the tone, and the implication that I must have very little to do.

The truth is, running a house, organizing a social life and being supportive of my husband’s career take time and work. However, if I say I’m busy, people usually reply that no one is busy who doesn’t have kids.

Although I’m outwardly polite, inwardly I find these conversations unpleasant. Could you tell me how I might handle these inquiries? I’m searching for a response that is polite, rather than sarcastic, but that doesn’t go along with the idea that I must generally account for my time to others.

GENTLE READER: You are not searching for a response that is polite, Miss Manners suggests, but one that is not impolite. Your friends and relatives will understand the distinction when you answer their intrusive questions and rude remarks with a cheerful, “Well, I don’t pry into others’ schedules, so that saves time,” before you change the subject.

life

Miss Manners for June 10, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 10th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone doesn’t respond to class reunion queries (they may not have been popular), how do you let them know that you would still like to be in touch? And that high school attitudes are something everyone goes through, and have more than likely changed?

GENTLE READER: There is a certain logic in reopening an old wound (by reminding your classmate how unpopular he was) to ensure he will be in need of the consolation you wish to offer. But Miss Manners counsels against it. If you would really like to reconnect, issue an invitation. And since it has been a long time, it is also best to defer such questions as, “Are you as roly-poly as ever?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Temporary Trash Cart Touches Off Tizzy

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 9th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a city that uses large trash bins, which we wheel out on certain days for pickup. Last week, as the trash collectors drove by, I realized I had forgotten to take my bin out. I quickly wheeled my bin across the street, as the truck does that side later.

A few minutes later, the neighbor whose house I had put my bin in front of (on the city street, not on her property) knocked on my door. She asked me why I had put my bin in front of her house. I told her what had happened. She told me it was rude to do that, and that next time I should write her a note.

I was a bit flabbergasted, as A. She has a driveway, so I was not blocking her parking space, B. It’s a pandemic and our street is pretty empty right now, and C. When it’s not a pandemic, we live on a busy street where unknown cars are almost always parked in front of our houses.

Am I missing some etiquette, or is this lady crazy?

GENTLE READER: Stir-crazy, perhaps. And not very nice.

Miss Manners would think that people had more important things to worry about than temporary trash can placement. But then, you probably have more important concerns than getting into a tiff with a neighbor. A pleasant “I’ll try not to do it again, but I’ll let you know if I have to” should close the matter.

life

Miss Manners for June 09, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 9th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You receive a lot of questions about cutting people from relationships. Why is it unacceptable to just say, gently, “I think our relationship is over because of X, Y and Z. I don’t think we really have much to discuss. I wish you well, but in light of this realization, I do not want to be your friend.”

GENTLE READER: Because it is mean. Even someone who would be relieved to give up the pretense of a relationship that wasn’t working would feel bad at being dismissed as unworthy.

Thus the prevalence of ghosting. But being shunned is an extreme punishment, augmented with an unnerving and unending sense of doubt. So ghosting, and even sterner methods (such as getting a restraining order), should be reserved for those who refuse to accept the break.

Ordinary breakups deserve something more gentle. However, even Miss Manners cannot devise a charming way to say, “Go away; I’ve had enough of you.” She can only beg you to do the minimal damage that gets the job done.

So the kind dumper assumes the blame. Hence that old standby, “It’s not you, it’s me,” rather than your version of “It’s you.” And “This is not a good time for me” is better than “I’ll never have time for you;” as “I’m really too busy these days” is better than “I’m not that desperate.”

True, no one believes those euphemisms. But they hurt less. And surely you owe that much to someone for whom you must have at least once cared.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Thanking People From a Safe, Non-contagious Distance

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 8th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My household had the misfortune of becoming ill with COVID-19. We also had the good fortune of surviving it.

Two of its members became considerably ill for some time, and we were under quarantine for 32 days. Thankfully, friends and some relatives kept us fed by dropping off groceries and meals on our doorstep throughout the month.

We are now one week past quarantine. People are still generally treating us like we are contagious (I am not saying that I blame them), so I’ve tried to be sensitive to this and have waited to send out thank-you notes to all of the kind people who helped feed us while we were sick. I was discussing this with a close family member and trying to get an idea of how long he thought I should wait. It seems like two months is too long, but I thought it might take that long before people trusted something coming from my house.

He was very frank with me and told me that he didn’t think I should bother sending any thank-you notes through the mail at all. He felt I should only communicate my gratefulness electronically, because in his opinion, people will probably be uncomfortable about getting anything from me for many, many more months.

This seems sad. I know that COVID-19 has frightened people terribly. But it just seems wrong to thank people through email or text message when they were so generous and kind when my family was ill. However, the last thing I want to do is make these people feel uncomfortable. What does Miss Manners suggest I do?

GENTLE READER: Although there does not seem to be evidence that the virus can be transmitted through the mail, Miss Manners acknowledges that your benefactors might nevertheless be jumpy. But she also agrees that a casual text or email is not a sufficient response to life-sustaining kindness.

Paying a call in person was once the highly formal way of giving thanks: You would write “p.r.” -- the French abbreviation of “to thank” (“pour remercier”) -- in the corner of your calling card.

Now, Miss Manners is no more suggesting that you scare people by popping up at their doors than that you thank them in French. But you can arrange a virtual visit in which to express your profound thanks.

life

Miss Manners for June 08, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 8th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am supposed to be having my bridal shower this summer. I am trying to have a backup plan, just in case I can’t. I don’t plan on sending my invites out until a month before, but at that time, I will want to know whether I will have it or not.

So I was wondering: What do you think I should send people if I don’t have it, and how I should word it? Also, some people know we have registered, so should I mention it’s optional to get us a gift and send the registry info with it?

GENTLE READER: Consider yourself saved from the pathos of throwing your own bridal shower. That is an event that a bride’s devoted friends may decide that they want to give her.

And while it is always wrong to solicit presents, Miss Manners considers this a particularly inopportune time to do so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 28, 2023
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 21, 2023
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 14, 2023
  • My Know-it-All Buddy is Ruining Our Friendship
  • My Fear of Feeling Irrelevant is Real, and Gosh, It Is Painful
  • My Old College Roommate’s Back, Negative Energy and All. Help!
  • The Best Senior Year Tradition
  • Finding a Mother's Love After Losing Your Mom
  • The More Shocking Stats in Teen Anxiety Data
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2023 Andrews McMeel Universal