life

Adult Son Is Home Again, With Awful Table Manners

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 1st, 2020

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The COVID-19 pandemic has brought our 34-year-old son back under our roof -- temporarily, we all fervently hope. For now, we are back to family dinnertime, like we used to have years ago.

In some ways, that is a silver lining. I do enjoy his company, and he gives us some support.

However, his table manners seem to have lost something over time. He wolfs his food in huge bites, sometimes so big they’re falling out of his mouth, and he seems to be practically swallowing his food whole, gulping noisily.

When he’s dined with us as a guest, I didn’t notice this so much, but now it is every night. So far as I know, he’s never been fed skimpy portions -- I always make sure there’s more than enough to go around -- and no one is threatening to grab food off his plate if he doesn’t eat fast enough.

He typically just sits with an empty plate while others finish, and he seldom goes for seconds. I tend to think it’s just a bad habit from living by himself, but I don’t know.

It’s well past time for me to be correcting his eating habits, but this is bothering me at mealtime and affecting my own appetite. It seems like a poor compliment to my cooking for him to gobble indiscriminately, as if it were dog food. What’s more, he will (I trust) resume his professional career when things get better, and he risks making a very poor impression when colleagues or prospective employers invite him to lunch.

I don’t know how to speak to him about this without making him feel like a reprimanded child. It’s hard enough not falling back into a mom role with this grown man who’s now back in his old room. I don’t want to introduce resentment or strife. But I’m starting to dread mealtimes with his unexpectedly savage behavior. I didn’t bring him up that way. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Welcome back to Family Dinner. If you recall, those were the occasions on which you taught not only table manners, but conversation, nutrition, pretending interest in how others spent the day, and other such basic skills of civilization.

Time for a refresher course.

Miss Manners understands that the remedial approach should be somewhat different. Perhaps not, “because I’m your mother, and I say so,” or even, “You don’t want to make a bad impression on others” -- because your son has, presumably, been getting along for some time (either without business lunches, or among other gobblers). Although maybe that’s why he is living by himself.

But health arguments, which have no effect on children, work with grownups. If you are not afraid that he will choke on those huge, unchewed bites, you should be. Please insist that he slow down so that you are not in terror of having to perform a Heimlich maneuver.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Stop Interrupting Me!

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 30th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner, my sister and my best friend all seem to think it’s OK to interrupt me when I’m saying something. I was taught that it is extremely rude to interrupt and try very hard (mostly successfully) never to interrupt another person who is talking. They all know that it bothers me, but they still do it. I feel very disrespected, put down and offended when this happens, feeling that they don’t think anything I have to say is important or worth hearing.

I am rapidly losing my patience, and am afraid at some point I’m going to explode and tell all of them never to speak to me again until they can learn to let me finish a sentence. What can I politely say or do to get it across to them that this is NOT OK with me?

GENTLE READER: One fortunate side effect of physical distancing, Miss Manners hears, is that the technical limitations of web conferencing have forced people to be more conscious of interruption -- since two or more cannot easily be heard over one another. Miss Manners is hopeful that this mindfulness will carry over, but will not hold her breath.

She suggests that you invoke this rule and practice with your circle: “I am finding it very difficult to hear or talk with all of us going at once. Perhaps we can take turns and make sure that each of us is finished speaking before the next one starts.” If this fails, Miss Manners suggests that, rather than exploding, you stop talking -- turn off your audio, as it were -- and see how long it takes for them to notice.

life

Miss Manners for May 30, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 30th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend since high school (though we are not as close as we once were) lives near our hometown, 2,000 miles from where I reside now. I want to ask a question now, to be ready for the eventual day when I may need to act.

Though she and I speak on the phone and text/email infrequently, we visit each other every other year or so and exchange lovely gifts on holidays and birthdays.

In our teens and 20s, we were relatively close with each other’s families of birth. When my father passed away about 12 years ago, I flew home for the wake and funeral, and my best friend and her husband attended. They also sent a beautiful floral arrangement.

When the day comes that one or both of her parents passes, do I need to fly home for the occasion? It goes without saying that I would send lovely flowers. But what else could I/should I do?

GENTLE READER: If you are able to attend, it would be lovely, as a gesture of the past friendship. But with some distance now, as long as you write a heartfelt condolence letter (sending the aforementioned flowers would also be charming), that is sufficient.

One hopes that when it comes to attending funerals, family members are grateful for attendance, but not expecting it. In a culture of counting “likes” as a measure of popularity, Miss Manners warns, a funeral is not the place to tally up.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Wedding Plans in Limbo

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 29th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are planning to get married in August, and we have reserved everything: church, reception venue, music, cake, etc. Our wedding is going be an affair of 200 people.

With what is currently happening in the United States, we are waiting before sending out invitations -- deciding if we can still have our big wedding, or will have to switch to a very scaled-down backyard wedding of 50 people.

If we do have a scaled-down wedding, how do we go about explaining to all the guests that we won’t be able to invite all of them? Also, should we expect the wedding vendors to refund our deposits?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, given the rapidly changing guidelines, it is possible that the scaled-down version may be prohibited, as well. While distressing, it does help with your immediate problem of whom to choose to invite, and how to tell them.

Rather than risk alienating friends and relatives -- doubtless in need of something to look forward to -- Miss Manners recommends that you send out cancellation notices, expressing the hope of rescheduling in the as-yet-unknown future, to everyone who is saving the date. This should help with the vendor situation, as well. Although many are offering refunds, it is obviously financially less devastating for them to reschedule if you are able to manage it.

In the meantime, you may want to consider getting legally married, so that you and your fiance may enjoy the legal privileges now. Many affianced have done online ceremonies that can be broadcast to everyone -- and while not a replacement for being there in person, it would be a respite from the current monotony and a way that everyone could be involved.

But then you must wait it out. If it turns out that the small backyard celebration (not reenactment, please, if you are by that time married) is still attainable later in the year, issue new invitations and ask your previous vendors for refunds -- or, where applicable, scaled-down versions of their wares. (They will likely be so grateful for your not canceling earlier that they will be eager to help.)

You need not explain to people who are not invited to this smaller celebration. As with any small wedding, you may say, if asked, that it was just for a small circle of intimates, especially given the circumstances.

life

Miss Manners for May 29, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 29th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice, on different occasions, I have received empty containers, like empty DVD boxes or empty spirits bottles. I’m offended. Should I be?

GENTLE READER: Yes. But more so at your friends’ incompetence at thievery.

life

Miss Manners for May 29, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 29th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I purchased a house two years ago, and at some point would like to have a housewarming party to celebrate. Is there a time limit in which to have a housewarming party? I’m still working on renovations.

GENTLE READER: Then call it a Renovation Party. But only for your own justification. On invitations, it should simply be referred to as “a party,” lest it sound like a two-year-delayed grab for presents.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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