DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been married for seven years; he is from a rural, white, homogenous community, and my family are immigrants from Southeast Asia. I’m struggling with an issue with my in-laws: They still, after all these years, claim they cannot remember or pronounce the names of my family members. Every visit is peppered with, “What’s your sister’s name again?” “Help me with your dad’s name?”

This is exhausting. I already allow them to call me by a shortened, anglicized version of my name for their convenience, and I fear losing my temper the next time they need help with a name in my small immediate family.

GENTLE READER: Send them a primer. Before the next visit, Miss Manners suggests that you type out the names, as well as phonetic pronunciations, of your family members.

That way, the next time they ask, you may good-naturedly tell them, “Now, Karleeygh, you know we went over this. I sent you all of the names before, remember? It would mean so much to us if you pronounced them correctly. They’ve worked so hard on learning to pronounce yours.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twenty years ago, I introduced two of my dear friends to each other, and they immediately fell in love. Within a year, they were married, all the while expressing their gratitude to me for bringing them together.

During their engagement and the early part of their marriage, we spent much happy time together. Being an amateur videographer, I recorded a lot of this, resulting in a very detailed video record of the period.

Unfortunately, the good times did not last, and my friends went through a bitter divorce 10 years ago. We have all drifted apart.

I have undertaken an ambitious project to convert my large number of old videotapes into updated formats, and consequently made DVD copies for my two old friends. I felt that, whatever their current situations may be, the videos were part of their life histories and that they were entitled to them. I also hoped that it might be a good way for me to reconnect with each of them.

What happened? She wrote me a short note thanking me for thinking of her, but stated that she could not watch the DVDs, while he returned his with no message whatever. Each action hurt me.

Was I wrong to have shared these memories and dredged up the past? I had hoped to reignite my friendship with each of my old friends, but now feel that I’ve been solidly identified with a period of their lives that they’d both like to forget.

GENTLE READER: Yes. The second one. While your intentions might have been good, reaching out to the ex-couple with a bitter reminder of their past was not going to make them forget that you were part of it -- even though Miss Manners understands that none of it was your fault.

If you had wanted to connect with them and also see if they were interested in the recordings, you could have said, “I have been thinking of you and would love to get together. I found some old videos that I thought you might be interested in, but perhaps you can tell me if you would like copies of them when I see you in person.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an email from a male acquaintance I haven’t seen in years. We were in the same prayer group more than a decade ago, and our families have always been friendly, but we are not that close and had not been in touch.

His wife has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, and from all counts, may only have a few years to live. He has his own friends, children, grandchildren and church, but has asked me, specifically, for my prayers. (His wife and I were never friends.) I was sympathetic, and assured him that my husband, our children and I would be praying for them.

He responded immediately and appreciatively, but made some comments that sounded very clingy to me. I backed off and wrote a very general, short response, at which point he begged me to “persevere with (him) until the end.”

I wrote less after the second letter, just an assurance that they were in our prayers and that he should look for a spiritual adviser. He continued to send me long updates on his wife’s condition and personal details about their marriage and family.

I am extremely uncomfortable with this behavior. Deep down, I feel that he is betraying his wife and trying to line me up as a future spouse, even though I am married. That’s just how it feels.

I stopped writing back altogether, but he still sends regular emails with a lot of information, as if I were his closest confidante. He is also suddenly being supportive on social media with daily “likes” on my posts.

I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt -- that he is in crisis, maybe in shock or grief -- but I am really appalled. He talks as if his wife was on her deathbed. Granted, her time may be short, but there are possible medical breakthroughs around the corner and still years before she actually shows any decline.

I am occupied with my own life, family and problems like everyone else, but if I try to point that out, I believe this fellow would try to create an intimate attachment, over and above what he has already tried. It feels terribly rude to not respond anymore, but it seems that any response is way too encouraging.

What would Miss Manners say?

GENTLE READER: Nothing. You are correct not to encourage him, and tapering off your responses is the only polite way to do it.

One last, “My husband and I grieve for your family. As I mentioned, we will be thinking of you” can serve as an indicator that you are ceasing the correspondence. And then do, until the unfortunately inevitable funeral, where -- if you choose to attend -- Miss Manners suggests you keep a firm grip on your husband’s hand.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a 50th birthday with a cash bar, and I must pay $50 to attend. Am I obligated to bring a gift?

GENTLE READER: You are not even obligated to attend.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since the advent of hands-free devices for cellphones, it seems that many people feel the need to multitask or entertain themselves while they accomplish a boring task.

However, cellphones amplify background noise. While driving, one finds oneself subjected to the sounds of running water, whirling blenders, clanging dishes, talking GPS and other sounds. I don’t know how one can be a defensive driver while talking on the phone to someone who cannot see the traffic situation. Not only do these noises make the conversation unpleasant, I find it rude.

GENTLE READER: It comes as a relief to Miss Manners to discover that the boring task you refer to is driving, and not the call itself (and as a surprise that your friends have running water and blenders in their cars).

Etiquette objects to overt demonstrations that you are not listening, but cares less whether you are actually paying attention. This allows for driving or looking at your computer (preferably not both at the same time), so long as your computer does not play an audible fanfare when you win at Solitaire.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are childless. We have four adult nieces to whom we’ve given birthday, Christmas and graduation gifts over the years. Sometimes thank-you notes arrived, and other times they did not.

Three months ago, we gave them each $5,000 to assist in paying their student loans. We received two thank-you notes, but no acknowledgement from the others.

We’ve decided we are not going to continue giving gifts to adults who do not offer any gratitude.

If they offer a “thank you” when we next see them, what is the proper response? My inclination is to say, “We actually expected to hear from you at the time we sent the gift,” and, if it makes them uncomfortable, it should. My husband says we should just say nothing and stick with our plan to stop future gifts for them, so we don’t cause an issue in front of other members of the family.

GENTLE READER: Although she agrees that presents should be answered by thank-you letters -- and such major ones by major thanks -- Miss Manners prohibits public punishment of transgressors.

Withholding future presents is sufficient. A Gentle Reader does not answer one rudeness with another, and insulting someone in the act of rectifying an acknowledged mistake -- by thanking you in person -- is not merely ungracious, it is risky. What will you do if your niece reacts in horror, protesting that she did mail a thank-you letter at the time?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been widowed for three years, and I have been wondering for some time: When are the brothers and sisters of my deceased spouse no longer my in-laws? Is it at the time of my spouse’s death, at the time I remarry, or is there no change, and they will always be my in-laws?

GENTLE READER: Two out of three. Technically, Miss Manners supposes that the marriage ended with the death of your spouse, and in-laws are only in-laws as a side effect of marriage. But unless you are desperate to downsize your family, common practice recognizes such relationships as continuing in perpetuity. This requires more tact after you remarry -- although presumably your new spouse would be a person of integrity and sympathy -- and even more for those whose marriages end not in death, but in divorce.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)