life

Partner Keeps Finishing Sentences -- Incorrectly

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 14th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of 24 years has developed a habit, the past year or two, of finishing my sentences for me. I guess he seems to think that he knows me so well, he knows what I plan on saying.

When he finishes, I say, “May I finish what I was saying now?“ as a way of trying to nicely say, “That’s not what I was going to say.”

It has gotten to the point where I don’t even want to tell him anything, because it is so frustrating to be constantly interrupted. When he speaks to me, I give him my undivided attention, and don’t interrupt him.

Although I am disabled, and home all the time, I make it a point not to chatter all the time about things he has no interest in. If it wasn’t for my dog, I would probably be asking my doctor for antidepressants!

GENTLE READER: Your partner may not be as easy to train as the dog, but Miss Manners recommends trying, rather than reaching for pills.

She recommends not finishing what you were going to say. Instead, let him finish, and then say in the smug tone of someone judging a contest, “No! That wasn’t it!”

This forces him to ask, “Well, what was it?” to which you reply, “Oh, take another guess.” Repeat as often as necessary. With any luck, he will eventually tire of this little game.

life

Miss Manners for April 14, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 14th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After a long career in the public eye, and at age 74, I am withdrawing from most public activity to enjoy some years of traveling with my wife and contemplating nature. This means that the serious and very popular cultural events I produce must end, to the regret of the community. No one else is really able to continue the work. The events have been a major cultural and social success.

I’ve been asked several times how I feel about the sum of my experiences. Each time I’m asked, I consciously restrain myself from remarking that only twice in the past years have I been personally thanked, in any way, for any of the complimentary tickets I distribute lavishly. (And in those two instances, I received two separate thank-you notes from the same person.)

I was never motivated by a desire for personal credit. I have no interest in spreading bad feelings. But since I am not YOU, is there any way I can make a comment or take some action to let others know that it’s polite to express gratitude? Or do I remain silent -- politely?

GENTLE READER: Silence should not always be the price of politeness, Miss Manners believes. You could say, “I’ve loved doing this, and I hope others enjoyed it, but I don’t really know, because I never got any feedback.”

life

Miss Manners for April 14, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 14th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you receive a wedding gift prior to your wedding, do you open it and set it aside? Or do you open and use it? Of course, we always send thank-yous ASAP.

GENTLE READER: Good. There are those who mistakenly believe that they should wait to write until after the wedding -- and then plead that they are too busy.

You may use the presents right away, but Miss Manners warns you that you then incur another obligation: that of getting married. If you call off the wedding, the presents must be returned unused.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Customer Frustrated by Noncommunicative Businesses

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 13th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is voicemail dead? I can understand why friends and family might not leave a message, assuming that when I see their number in my “missed calls” list, I’ll get in touch. But I assumed I’d get a voicemail for anything more formal, and I’ve now been wrong about that twice in a month.

The first time, my computer was at a local shop for repairs. The techs planned to call me with a price quote. Several days went by before I finally called them.

They had my price quote, but they mentioned they’d “tried to call me.” I checked my missed calls, and finally matched them up with a call three days back. (It was not the number I’d expected them to call from.) There was no voicemail. They’d never tried calling again.

Not long afterward, I ordered eyeglasses through a major chain. It was a special order, expected to take several days, but I was told I’d get a call when they were ready. Some time later, wondering if I’d ever get my glasses, I found out history had repeated itself: There was one missed call from the glasses place; no voicemail, no callback.

Am I the one who’s out of touch here, to expect a voicemail, especially from a business? Is it just assumed that when we see a missed call, we’ll call back the number to find out what we missed? Imagine how many telemarketers and robots I’d reach if I called back every unfamiliar number that shows up on my phone! Do I have this wrong?

GENTLE READER: We have so many different ways of communicating nowadays that nobody seems to be able to reach anybody.

Some people don’t use the telephone function of their telephones. Some do not email and some do not text. Many do not write or read paper letters. And now you report businesses that don’t use voicemail.

There are so many possibilities that it might be easier to reach some people by saddling up the horse and running them down.

Miss Manners is afraid that there will have to be notations in address lists, indicating which method to use for whom. You can start by asking these shops what means of communication they prefer, and then use it to pester them until they tell you when your goods are ready.

life

Miss Manners for April 13, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 13th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Approaching the heavy wooden doors of a local university building, my husband and I were a few feet behind a man in a wheelchair who bypassed the door-opening button. My 84-year-old husband said, “I will get the door.”

The man addressed us with profane language, grabbed the door handle, jerked it open, and proceeded down a hall. He then yelled, “Yeah, help the d___ handicapped man.”

We were stunned. Should we not have tried to assist him?

GENTLE READER: Just what the world needs now: more people trying to stamp out the little courtesy that is left.

Opening a door for someone else, for whatever reason -- they have their hands full, you got there first -- is not an insult. By taking it as such, the person to whom you deferred is only making life more unpleasant for himself and everyone else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Can Mom of Young Adult Still Correct Her Manners?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 11th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 4

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When should I stop correcting my daughter's manners?

She is now 18, and when we are together in public or in private, I sometimes correct her (gently and discreetly, of course). I hate to do this, as I feel it is rude to notice aloud another's manners, but on the other hand, I feel it is my duty to remind my daughter how important it is to treat others with politeness. She doesn't seem to mind and sometimes even thanks me for reminding or teaching her.

You may be thinking that if the girl has not learned by age 18 how to behave, then it is a little late. She is very well-mannered generally, and I am proud of her. But since she spends most of her time with her peers, who have not been brought up as she has, she falls into bad habits, and I would like to take advantage of our brief times together to rub off on her in a good way.

Is setting an example the best way now, or would I be doing her a disservice by not reminding her?

GENTLE READER: One is never too old to be mothered -- and teaching etiquette is part of the job description. Miss Manners finds setting an example, along with gentle, discreet reminders, proper.

If your daughter is receptive to, and even grateful for, your help, why question it? Particularly as she is at an age where she may soon be seeking employment and more formal social situations, she will appreciate the efforts even more when her impeccable manners put her in a far better position than her apparently lackluster peers.

life

Miss Manners for April 11, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 11th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 4

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a townhouse condo complex. An elderly gentleman lives next door. Each day, when he walks to get his mail, he feels the need to shout through my front window whether the mail is here or not. If it's not about the mail, he'll just shout a pleasantry. Loudly. I realize he has difficulty walking, and doesn't like to climb my front steps, but I find it very annoying to be shouted at -- not to mention, he has woken me up several times. Please tell me how I can discourage this neighbor from shouting at me each day without sounding mean-spirited?

GENTLE READER: Honesty is not, Miss Manners believes, always the best policy, but sometimes it can be both useful and polite. Next time you see the gentleman, thank him sincerely for his solicitousness, but explain that as you -- and perhaps some of the neighbors -- tend to sleep late, you would be even more grateful if he could remember that before shouting.

life

Miss Manners for April 11, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 11th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 4

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate dress for the step-mother of the bride to wear to the wedding?

GENTLE READER: Anything that does not upstage the mother.

life

Miss Manners for April 11, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 11th, 2020 | Letter 4 of 4

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate dress for the step-mother of the bride to wear to the wedding?

GENTLE READER: Anything that does not upstage the mother.

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