life

How Do I Tactfully Point Out Typos?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 4th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I’ve come across a large number of typos online: e.g. restaurant menus, sites for housecleaning services, etc. Most of them are obvious spelling errors (e.g. “claning” instead of “cleaning”), but occasionally it’s a poor choice of words that makes it very difficult to understand the intended message.

I have, on occasion, made silly errors as well -- for instance, my phone number was incorrect on my resume for years. I’d like to point out the errors, but understand that if the business is a labor of love, the owner might be insulted. How can I provide this feedback without upsetting the recipients?

GENTLE READER: By treading carefully. Miss Manners does not want to make assumptions, but is it possible that some of the authors of these websites are not native English speakers? While they may ultimately benefit from your help, they are not soliciting it. And you are not their employer.

However, that could change. If you feel so moved and are interested in their services, you could send them a direct message saying, “I am seeking a housecleaner, but did not quite understand this listing. Do you mind clarifying what comes with the ‘three-hour Poopie Package’?”

life

Miss Manners for April 04, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 4th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s your opinion about a man who invites you to a relaxing weekend getaway, but expects you to pay for gas and meals?

GENTLE READER: That it will not be relaxing.

life

Miss Manners for April 04, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 4th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At long last, my nephew is getting married to the woman with whom he has been living for nearly 10 years, and with whom he shares a young son and a stepdaughter.

The details of the upcoming nuptials, as related by his father, my brother, are sketchy at best. The ceremony may involve little more than an impromptu visit to City Hall, with no friends or family present. Apparently, taxes and health insurance are the main motivations behind this move.

Unfortunately, my brother has been very sensitive about the couple’s long-term living arrangement. He says that his son has met with snide remarks from some family members over the years, while other nieces and nephews who married in a more timely order were treated more respectfully. With his son’s impending marriage, my brother has served notice to one and all that the soon-to-be married couple shall be given congratulations and wedding gifts, and that he’s keeping track of who does so.

How do I tactfully offer the couple my congratulations on an event about which I have no details whatsoever, and then send a gift with a note reading, “... and please let your father know that I sent this”?

GENTLE READER: Having successfully scared you into compliance, your brother will no doubt have tracking methods already in place. Miss Manners recommends that you send your present with a congratulatory note saying, “Gerald has told us of the impending happy occasion. We wish you, your fiancee and the children all of our heartfelt best wishes.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Snobbish Guest Judges Hostess, Then Must Eat Carpet Chicken

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 3rd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to dinner for the first time in the home of a fellow artist friend and her husband. It was immediately apparent that entertaining was not her forte: Hors d’oeuvres consisted of two bags of chips and two tubs of dip opened on the kitchen counter.

As we sat down for dinner, the hostess tripped on her way to the table and dropped the dish of chicken and potatoes, the entire contents of which landed on the carpet. I offered to help rinse the food, but she just placed it back in the dish and set it on the table.

I was appalled, but not wanting to be rude, I politely ate the food, fighting back a gag reflex. What would you have done?

GENTLE READER: Likely the same. However, Miss Manners is amused by the implication in the first part of your letter. It appears two-fold: that your hostess somehow deserved her fate and that in the wake of it, there was nothing decent to eat.

life

Miss Manners for April 03, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 3rd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the second wife (of four years) to a man whose first wife never remarried, isn’t dating, and now lives a town away. Their daughter was invited to be a bridesmaid and plan the shower for the wedding of her longtime friend, whose parents used to be close with my husband and his ex-wife.

Both the bride and her parents know that we are a couple. We were informed that my husband and his adult daughters would be receiving invitations, but that I would not.

We found this to be incredibly rude, but also incredibly strange, as there is no animosity. The parents of the bride giving this lavish event can certainly afford to invite a substantial guest list -- and it is quite substantial. These aren’t people who ever typically lack in manners; they’re highly educated medical doctors and genuinely nice people.

The parents of the bride were very close with my husband’s family for decades, and seem to have planned for everyone (the parents of the bride and my husband and his ex-wife) to all be together at this event “like old times.”

While this is fine, circumstances have changed; he is no longer married to her and hasn’t been in nearly seven years. I put my confused and hurt feelings aside and said, “Don’t ask them why they did it, and don’t dare dampen the day. Just go and have fun and celebrate the wedding.”

My question is, though: Is it normal to invite only half of a couple to a wedding?

GENTLE READER: No; it is rude. Particularly since you were told beforehand that such was the intent.

However, if you want to emphasize your utter graciousness without appearing to be petty, Miss Manners recommends that you send a note afterwards to the hosts saying, “Jacques and the girls had such a wonderful time at the wedding. Thank you for inviting them. I trust that I will get the chance to know you better at another occasion.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Rules for ‘Unofficial’ Remembrance Gatherings

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 2nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner lost a friend who was suffering from depression and mental health issues. The family of the deceased decided to have a big celebration of life later in the year.

In the meantime, my partner, who was grieving, wanted to host a small dinner in remembrance of his friend. Although the friend was not from the small town we live in, he was part of the community and was friends with many people.

In trying to keep the gathering intimate, my partner only invited close friends of the person who had passed. The people who attended had all worked together for many years and shared a common bond with one another and with the deceased.

This was very upsetting to a few people who expressed that they “deserved” to be there, and that it was “mean to exclude them.” What is the proper etiquette for a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: Although it is rude to protest to a host for not being invited, Miss Manners believes that it is worth assuaging hurt feelings when possible.

The solution in this case is to invent an objective grouping. Saying that your event was for people who worked with the deceased -- particularly since the family is doing a separate remembrance, and your partner and the deceased were not related -- will answer anyone who was not a co-worker. If necessary, you can further limit it to people who knew the deceased for some length of time, worked in close proximity to him, and so on. The rule need not be an exact match for the guests, as those who are not invited will not be present to check.

life

Miss Manners for April 02, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 2nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently travel for work, and often stay with local hosts rather than in hotels. I am a low-maintenance guest, and kind to my hosts. I thank them in person, and also, when possible, by name at the events where I am a speaker. I also send a personal and sincere message of thanks by email afterward.

But does that note of thanks afterward need to be handwritten? If so, can it be a card left in the bedroom where I’ve been staying, or must it be mailed?

Also, does etiquette require a gift for my hosts? I’ve been trying to think of something appropriate for hosts I may not know, whose personal tastes are a mystery, and that’s small enough to fit into compact air luggage.

GENTLE READER: Your understandable confusion is caused by the melange of business and personal manners. Were you visiting a friend, it would be reasonable to reciprocate your hosts’ hospitality with more than a letter: inviting them out to dinner and sending a present. Presumably, you can guess your friends’ tastes.

But you are working. Your hosts -- and Miss Manners does not mean to lessen their generosity -- are making a donation to the cause. Presents are not necessary, but a handwritten letter, sent after you return home -- leaving it in the room suggests that you have a supply to hand out -- would be extremely gracious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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