life

‘Neither of Us Was Ever Here’

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 9th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you greet someone you know rather well when you encounter them in a shadowy situation where neither one of you should be, with people you shouldn’t be with? Just asking for a friend.

GENTLE READER: Please tell your friend that it is done with a half-smile, in which the lips move slightly but the cheeks do not. It means “I didn’t see you, and you didn’t see me.”

Miss Manners trusts that the two people are sneaking around to plan surprises for their spouses. Pleasant ones, that is.

life

Miss Manners for March 09, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 9th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 30-year-old woman and I keep my head shaved. I know it’s unusual, but I think it’s cute. That’s all there is to it.

Other people, though, want to talk about it ... a lot. I get all kinds of questions, like, “Why do you have your hair like that?” trying to figure out if I’m sick or if I shaved it for charity. Twice, people who have battled with cancer wanted to know if I share their struggle. I don’t blame them one bit, but I still find it really awkward to say, “No, I just like my hair this way,” especially if I cannot reasonably excuse myself afterward.

With family, I get never-ending comments like, “Do you think you will ever grow your hair out again?” and “I think it was so cute when it was longer” and “If you’re cold all the time, why don’t you grow out your hair?”

I didn’t used to mind, but after years of these questions and comments, I am at the end of my rope. I worry that saying I don’t want to talk about it will seem harsh, give people the wrong idea about my health or make things awkward. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Making things awkward. Or rather, allowing those who keep delivering uncalled-for remarks to realize how awkward and tiresome that is for you. Try something like, “Thanks for keeping track. I suppose I do need a trim.”

As you point out, cancer patients are not in that category. But Miss Manners disagrees that your choice trivializes their necessity. On the contrary, “No, I just do it because I think it’s chic” may free them to realize that wigs are not the only way they may look good.

life

Miss Manners for March 09, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 9th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A guest staying for a short time ran out of clean clothes. She asked me, with apologies, to launder some of her personal items.

What is the etiquette on such requests? Could I have offered to drop her undies at the local dry cleaner for laundering, or should I have suggested she could wash out an item or two and hang them in the bathroom overnight?

GENTLE READER: Asking your host to clean your underwear is so outrageous that Miss Manners recommends failing to acknowledge that it happened. You need only say, “Certainly -- you can hang them in the bathroom, or I can tell you where there is a dry cleaner.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Do I Have To Hug EVERYONE Goodbye?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 7th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend’s large, boisterous friend group meets up frequently. The events can go on until the early hours of the morning, but are fairly casual, and after midnight, people leave as they please.

What is the etiquette on saying goodbye?

Around midnight, when my boyfriend and I usually decide it’s time to go, most people will still be there. He insists we should say goodbye to everyone. He will walk around the room hugging everyone goodbye. I will say goodbye to the few people we were speaking to directly, and of course thank the host. There are always some people at the event who I didn’t even speak to that night.

What do you make of this?

GENTLE READER: That your boyfriend’s goodbyes must be as long and drawn-out as the parties themselves. Miss Manners now has a vivid image in her head of a strange man, with whom she has never spoken, suddenly giving her a hug goodbye.

Your approach is not rude -- and is infinitely less jarring.

life

Miss Manners for March 07, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 7th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a favorite restaurant where Southern fare is served family-style. Although I was dining alone, all of the food was served in large dishes, with portions for at least two people. Fried chicken, pot roast and several mouth-watering sides were presented.

Although I tried to sample each dish, there was far too much food to eat in one sitting. I assumed I would be able to take the leftovers with me, and envisioned a delicious next-day lunch.

When the meal came to an end, however, the waitress whisked the extra food away and wished me a good night. No “doggy bag” was offered. I paid the bill and left.

I must admit I was a bit perplexed by my experience. The meal was not inexpensive, and I cannot believe that the food served to me was to be reheated and served again. Who was in the wrong here -- myself for expecting to take the food I had paid for, or the restaurant for removing it?

GENTLE READER: Did you ask? Servers can be observant and intuitive, but mind-readers they are not. As your meal was being whisked away, Miss Manners assures you that you could have politely stopped her with, “Oh, I was hoping to take that home. Do you have some sort of container that I could fit it all in?”

life

Miss Manners for March 07, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 7th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has been diagnosed with a devastating illness and a worse prognosis. Our friends are stepping up and being a big help. Should I send a thank-you note for every meal and thing they send and bring? Or can I wait until our suffering is over?

GENTLE READER: As much as you are able, Miss Manner recommends that you do it now.

Good people should hear that their kindness, which you may be drawing on in the sad future, is welcome and appreciated. And unfortunately, you will likely be dealing with condolence letters to respond to after the fact.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Cheesehead’s Gear Blocks View

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 6th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a fan of a sports team whose fans are known for wearing headgear in the shape of a wedge of cheese. I’m fortunate enough to attend one game a year, where I’m far from the only fan wearing this accoutrement, or similar gear.

This year, the woman seated behind me immediately complained, in a loud and insulting manner, that I was blocking her view. She insisted I had no right to wear the offending chapeau, and when I politely declined to remove it, she threatened to call security to have me ejected for disruptive behavior.

I solved the problem by offering to switch seats with her. Her friends, who were seated next to her, thanked me and apologized for her behavior. I’m reminded of the classic rule for ladies to remove their hats when in a theater, but wouldn’t a sports event, where the team encourages the practice, have a different sensitivity?

GENTLE READER: Where, oh where, does one wear a cheese wedge hat, if not at a Wisconsin sporting event?

Miss Manners suggests that the issue here, as you discovered, is not one of etiquette, but is more practical: that all paying viewers be allowed a reasonable chance to see the event they are attending. Clearly, this is the infraction to which the woman objected, albeit rudely. A quick scan of sight lines before being seated would seemingly solve the problem. Or perhaps Wisconsin fans should consider headwear in a Swiss, or a nice spreadable, so that other patrons can more easily see through it.

life

Miss Manners for March 06, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | March 6th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are expecting our first child, and we have been gifted tons of hand-me-downs from friends and family. Some of these items are great, and we are grateful for them.

However, several family members seem to think that they can just use us as a dumping ground for old, dirty, broken or unsafe items they no longer want. We’ve received a broken playpen, a moldy booster seat, a ripped baby carrier from the 1970s, and towels that are old and rough.

We’ve accepted everything with thank-yous and smiles, but now the burden is on us to sort through the trash and get rid of it. At a time when we are already overwhelmed, this is incredibly frustrating.

While it’s not worth starting an argument with our family members, I’m hoping you’ll consider publishing this as a public service announcement to givers. If you want to hand down baby items, please A) Make sure they are in good, safe, working condition; and B) Check with the parent(s) to ask if it’s something they still need. (We also have multiples of many items.)

GENTLE READER: Consider the announcement made. Miss Manners is sympathetic to your situation, and commends you for enduring it. She humbly reminds you, however, that what you consider a threadbare and smelly old blanket may be, for others, a treasured memory that they are now lovingly passing down to you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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