DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law, Harriet, is the matriarch of a large extended family. She prides herself on close relationships with many of her nieces and nephews, and keeps in frequent touch with them via email.

However, she feels it is appropriate to forward email correspondence she receives from these relations to other members of her family. At least once a week, she forwards an email from a cousin or other relative to eight or 10 of her sons, daughters-in-law and occasionally grandchildren.

Frequently, these are missives from relatives my husband and I do not know well, if at all. And although I am not especially interested in the details of Cousin Jenna’s hip replacement, or her sister-in-law’s cousin’s daughter’s wedding, or the 49 photos of her most recent vacation, they are easy enough to delete.

More troubling, however, is that Harriet also forwards letters from cousins that we do care about, but who clearly did not imagine the contents of their note would be shared. I am quite certain that when Cousin Mara pours her heart out to her favorite Aunt Harriet, confiding the details of her recent bout with cancer, her divorce or her financial woes, she is not imagining that those private sentiments will be shared with anyone else -- let alone with so many others, whom she may not even be close to. It also makes me uncomfortable to see the writer later on, because I am privy to feelings and information they believed (and continue to believe) were private.

I believe that Harriet does this with the best of intentions and genuinely believes that we all want to stay apprised of family news; however, her lack of discretion makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I have found that I rarely send her more than a generic line or two when I write, because I assume that my emails are also being shared widely with her network.

Could Miss Manners suggest a way for me to convey to Harriet that email habits require some boundaries? She would likely not dream of photocopying and passing along a handwritten letter, but seems to feel that emails may be treated differently.

GENTLE READER: Surely it is cousins Jenna and Mara to whom this information should be conveyed, so perhaps another mass email is necessary. Miss Manners has observed that chastising an in-law rarely helps, and often creates more trouble, but you could write Harriet to ask whether she intended to distribute the rather personal messages she may have been sent in confidence. And then CC the rest of the family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a friend pass away suddenly. The day of his funeral will be on the birthday of our mutual close friend and his business partner.

What does one say to the person who is grieving on their birthday? “Happy birthday” seems absurd, but to say nothing might make them feel forgotten during an already difficult time.

I was thinking of a simple “Thinking of you today,” but was not sure. This is the second time I’ve run into this conundrum over the years.

GENTLE READER: It is difficult to refrain from ordinary pleasantries when attending a funeral, and people are likely to blurt out “Great to see you” before they realize how jarring that is. So Miss Manners agrees with you: “Thinking of you” is better said there than a jolly wish to be happy on a sad occasion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a university professor and a part-time curator at a museum where we sponsor lectures by prominent figures in my field. After the evening lecture, the speaker and his or her spouse, if present -- in addition to any local friends, my wife, my assistant and possibly a few of my students who have attended -- all go out to dinner together at a good restaurant.

My assistant pays the bill with his credit card from the museum. From time to time, my assistant’s spouse attends the lecture, too, and has never been included in the dinner party. My assistant is pestering me to include her. We know her, but are not members of the same social circle.

My assistant argues that once the lecture is over and we go out, the occasion has become a social one, and spouses who are present should be included. I feel that it’s still a work event, despite the presence of people who are not getting paid by the museum.

Which is it? I will abide by your ruling.

GENTLE READER: It is so long since business hours had a definite end, after which workers were free to spend time with people of their own choosing, that Miss Manners is not surprised that you are both confused. Pseudo-socializing for professional reasons is so common that many only find out who their real friends are when they leave their jobs.

So here is a double answer:

Yes, these dinners are part of the job. Your assistant is there to work. If the lecturers were not there, you and he or she would not be out on the town together. Rather, you would both be free to spend time with your respective spouses or friends.

But you have taken your assistant’s evening, probably without paying overtime. You are even sending the wife home after she attends the lecture, in sight of all the other spouses accompanying you to dinner -- including yours.

You can justify this because your assistant is working. Nevertheless, Miss Manners asks you not to do so. It may be justified, but it is mean.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a long-time single person (divorced), my advice to anyone who receives a wedding invitation that does not include a guest is: Don’t go. If the bride is trying to save money, this will help her out.

Why would any engaged couple (generally joined at the hip) think sitting around at a party that is 99% couples is a fun time for a single person? Especially when the dancing starts.

It’s not so great to sit at a table by yourself. It’s actually condescending, and borders on disrespectful. I used to return the RSVP cards with a will-not-attend, but now, I don’t even bother doing that.

GENTLE READER: How disrespectful!

But Miss Manners agrees that you should not attend this wedding. You have so many good reasons:

You do not like the bride, whom you suspect of parsimony.

You do not want to socialize with the couple’s relatives and friends.

You have no interest in witnessing this marriage, only in using the occasion to have “a fun time” with someone the couple doesn’t know and therefore did not invite.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was nominated for an award, which I did not win -- and that’s fine!

Prior to the awards ceremony, all nominees were given an invitation to the “losers’ party” after the ceremony. The party was off-site and we (losing nominees and our plus-ones) were taken there in a series of buses.

I was on the second bus, and when we arrived, we found out that entry into the party venue had been cut off due to capacity concerns. Our bus driver refused to take us back to the original venue, and we were all left standing in the street on a chilly evening, wearing our nice clothes -- “we” being at least 50 people.

We were then told to stand and wait, because if other people left, an equal number could be let in. Initially we were told that only nominees could enter, without our plus-ones, though this was later changed.

At that point, I physically couldn’t stand any longer (I have bad joints, and I know I’m not the only one with physical issues who was there) and I didn’t want to compete with my fellows to gain entry. Some cabs had thankfully been called at that point, so I left.

I’m honestly not even that mad about missing the party itself, since I’m not really a party person, but I feel like it was unconscionably rude to give out more invitations than there was space and then abandon us in the street outside, to find our way home at just shy of midnight in a city where public transit basically shuts down at 11 on a Sunday.

I’ve been told (though do take this with the large grain of salt that hearsay deserves) that the party venue was nearly full before any of the “losers” the party was supposedly for had arrived, because we were still all at the awards ceremony.

No apology or explanation has been given by the party organizers, and that’s really all I want. The radio silence feels like an implication that I’m being the unreasonable one for being upset I wasn’t allowed into a party I was explicitly invited to. Am I in the right or wrong here?

GENTLE READER: Since even the contingency plan had a contingency, Miss Manners assures you that you were wise to leave. There are only so many defeats one must reasonably have to endure in a single evening.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I realize that this is an indelicate subject, but it’s one that has been bothering me for a while. When a guest in someone’s house, is one expected to leave the toilet clean after use, or is it OK to leave splatter?

There is a cleaning brush nearby, so I feel there is no excuse for a dirty commode, except laziness. I also have this question when traveling with someone and sharing a bathroom. Am I being overly fastidious?

GENTLE READER: Not to the person who plans to use your bathroom next.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)