DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m an instructor at a college with a great diversity of students. They range in age from 15 to 70, and may have arrived via the prison day bus or the home-school parent’s minivan. I’ve taught for many years.

This semester, a member of the class is -- or so I perceived -- a man in his 30s, a bit stout, with long hair, clad in the frequent costume of T-shirt, jeans and work shoes. I ask each student how to pronounce their name and if they prefer a variation of it (does “James Brown” prefer Mr. Brown, James or Jim?) and he gave a variation of his first name.

I’ve referred to him as “he” lo these last two months, without correction. Then, after an exam this week, the last student to finish informed me that she’d looked on her classmate’s social media account and He’s posted as She.

I was flabbergasted. I looked up the student’s record, and she’s recorded as female.

Shall I apologize? I’m feeling it would be rude to make it her fault by asking why she didn’t correct me. I’ve had transitioning, gay and transgender students, and I respect each person. It’s none of my business where she is on any “label.” I’m just wondering how to respond to my public blunder. I have allowed the entire class to believe this, as well.

GENTLE READER: You are correct not to draw attention to it, particularly if the student in question previously has not. Miss Manners suggests that you simply switch to the female pronoun from now on and hope that the other students catch on. If they remain confused or curious, presumably they can look her up on social media themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a thank-you card for our wedding gift to his cousin and her new husband. The wedding was more than a year ago, but in fairness to the couple, there has been significant upset through that branch of the family since the wedding, so I’m quite willing to ignore how long the thank-you took.

What concerns me is that we were only thanked for one part of the gift, not the other two. All were boxed and wrapped separately, but were meant to be used -- and, one hopes, enjoyed -- together.

I don’t wish to be that complaining, ancient family member who nitpicks about not being thanked properly for a gift, but I am concerned that they might not have actually received the other boxes (they were all dropped off at a family home; see above family crises) or that they might have ascribed them to another gift-giver.

Is there a polite and kind way to ask if they got the rest of the presents, without being seen as querulous?

GENTLE READER: “I am so glad you liked the silver forks. We thought that they would work especially well with the matching knives and spoons.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are putting together a business trip for 200 people who won it by meeting certain work goals, and each can bring a guest of their choosing. It is to be held out of the country at a nice resort.

Guests can come and go as they please. During the day, there are multiple excursions and activities they may pick from, or they can relax by the pool or beach. We provide an open breakfast and lunch. Each evening, there is an organized cocktail hour and dinner, including entertainment. The expectation is that the guests will attend the dinner.

In the past, some people have elected not to participate in these dinners. Some of our trip planners would like to add “mandatory” to the program itinerary. While I also believe it is important to let our guests know that dinner is mandatory, is there a nicer, more polite way of making that clear?

GENTLE READER: Businesspeople like the word “transparent,” although Miss Manners wonders if they grasp its full meaning. It means see-through, not honest, but perhaps they merely want to avoid any admission that what they were doing before was not quite honest.

The 200 employees who have been told that their reward for hard work is a free trip, with a guest, to a nice resort -- away from such things as business goals -- have seen through your attempt to dress up work as pleasure. Or perhaps they have seen through your mixed messaging: Meetings -- even meetings with food service -- are work, not vacation.

The solution is to be frank from the start about your intentions by mentioning in the initial invitation that attendance at the dinners is required (a slightly milder command than “mandatory”). If you then plan a meeting with balloons and party games, Miss Manners wishes you luck sorting out a mess entirely of your own making.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a job that requires me to interact with the elderly in the community, a lot of whom are widows/widowers. In a recent conversation with a widow, she commented that she and her husband had been married 67 years ago on that day.

I wasn’t sure if I should offer my condolences for her, because her husband had passed and couldn’t celebrate such a milestone, or if I should offer congratulations.

She and I were having a happy conversation, and she didn’t seem upset in the slightest about relaying that information to me. She continued on with our conversation, laughing and smiling.

This is a situation that I have come across several times. What is the best way to respond to sad information relayed on such a jovial note? I normally just sit there, unsure of what to say, until the conversation moves on to a new topic.

GENTLE READER: The proper tone is one consistent with sad, but old, news: subdued, but not funereal. But beware: Even if the widow is jovial, you are less likely to get in trouble being somber than being funny. Above all, Miss Manners recommends listening more than talking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a party and excused myself to use the bathroom, looking for some aspirin for a slight headache. I would have asked the host to help me, but he was busy entertaining his large number of guests and was unavailable.

As I opened the medicine cabinet, suddenly a large number of balls and beads came loudly thundering down, scaring the life out of me. Moments later, a roar of laughter came from outside the door. Obviously the medicine cabinet had been booby-trapped as a practical joke, with many of the partygoers in on it.

I was exceedingly embarrassed and exited the bathroom, only to be mocked for this for the rest of the evening by everyone attending the party. I apologized to my host (who was grinning) for snooping in the medicine cabinet, but wondered if the greater crime was my being made the butt of a joke.

GENTLE READER: Even among those who would dismiss etiquette as unimportant compared to such things as war and governance, there would be universal condemnation of potentates who conquered their neighbors’ countries with the comparatively bloodless solution of inviting the rightful rulers to dinner and murdering them.

Playing tricks on one’s guests is inexcusable, whatever the reason.

However, Miss Manners admits that rifling through the host’s cabinets is also problematic. The consequences may be learning something you would prefer not to have known, or discovering that the homeowner has a different labeling system for pills than your pharmacist. Better to wait for a lull in the conversation and ask your host for the aspirin.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Out of the blue, one of the women from my church offered to give me a small sum of money every month if I would quit smoking. She said she had been considering sponsoring a child overseas, but had realized she could do this as a more local, and therefore more satisfying, charity.

She knows how very little money I have, and went on to say that this idea had the advantages of my “earning” the assistance, of quitting being good for my health, and of my not coming to church smelling like cigarettes.

I was speechless, although not smoking certainly has much to recommend it, and I would be grateful for your expert assistance. What on Earth might I have said, beyond the involuntary reaction that nearly escaped my lips?

GENTLE READER: Your fellow churchgoer has accused you of poor judgment and smelling bad while comparing you to a starving orphan.

Miss Manners does not doubt that she meant well. But her behavior was insulting -- and offering you money was itself an insult in the context you describe.

However, as it is rude to return one insult with another, the only proper response is to say, “Thank you, but I do not accept charity,” and pointedly return your attention to the church service -- or anything else that will end the conversation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)