DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are putting together a business trip for 200 people who won it by meeting certain work goals, and each can bring a guest of their choosing. It is to be held out of the country at a nice resort.

Guests can come and go as they please. During the day, there are multiple excursions and activities they may pick from, or they can relax by the pool or beach. We provide an open breakfast and lunch. Each evening, there is an organized cocktail hour and dinner, including entertainment. The expectation is that the guests will attend the dinner.

In the past, some people have elected not to participate in these dinners. Some of our trip planners would like to add “mandatory” to the program itinerary. While I also believe it is important to let our guests know that dinner is mandatory, is there a nicer, more polite way of making that clear?

GENTLE READER: Businesspeople like the word “transparent,” although Miss Manners wonders if they grasp its full meaning. It means see-through, not honest, but perhaps they merely want to avoid any admission that what they were doing before was not quite honest.

The 200 employees who have been told that their reward for hard work is a free trip, with a guest, to a nice resort -- away from such things as business goals -- have seen through your attempt to dress up work as pleasure. Or perhaps they have seen through your mixed messaging: Meetings -- even meetings with food service -- are work, not vacation.

The solution is to be frank from the start about your intentions by mentioning in the initial invitation that attendance at the dinners is required (a slightly milder command than “mandatory”). If you then plan a meeting with balloons and party games, Miss Manners wishes you luck sorting out a mess entirely of your own making.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a job that requires me to interact with the elderly in the community, a lot of whom are widows/widowers. In a recent conversation with a widow, she commented that she and her husband had been married 67 years ago on that day.

I wasn’t sure if I should offer my condolences for her, because her husband had passed and couldn’t celebrate such a milestone, or if I should offer congratulations.

She and I were having a happy conversation, and she didn’t seem upset in the slightest about relaying that information to me. She continued on with our conversation, laughing and smiling.

This is a situation that I have come across several times. What is the best way to respond to sad information relayed on such a jovial note? I normally just sit there, unsure of what to say, until the conversation moves on to a new topic.

GENTLE READER: The proper tone is one consistent with sad, but old, news: subdued, but not funereal. But beware: Even if the widow is jovial, you are less likely to get in trouble being somber than being funny. Above all, Miss Manners recommends listening more than talking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a party and excused myself to use the bathroom, looking for some aspirin for a slight headache. I would have asked the host to help me, but he was busy entertaining his large number of guests and was unavailable.

As I opened the medicine cabinet, suddenly a large number of balls and beads came loudly thundering down, scaring the life out of me. Moments later, a roar of laughter came from outside the door. Obviously the medicine cabinet had been booby-trapped as a practical joke, with many of the partygoers in on it.

I was exceedingly embarrassed and exited the bathroom, only to be mocked for this for the rest of the evening by everyone attending the party. I apologized to my host (who was grinning) for snooping in the medicine cabinet, but wondered if the greater crime was my being made the butt of a joke.

GENTLE READER: Even among those who would dismiss etiquette as unimportant compared to such things as war and governance, there would be universal condemnation of potentates who conquered their neighbors’ countries with the comparatively bloodless solution of inviting the rightful rulers to dinner and murdering them.

Playing tricks on one’s guests is inexcusable, whatever the reason.

However, Miss Manners admits that rifling through the host’s cabinets is also problematic. The consequences may be learning something you would prefer not to have known, or discovering that the homeowner has a different labeling system for pills than your pharmacist. Better to wait for a lull in the conversation and ask your host for the aspirin.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Out of the blue, one of the women from my church offered to give me a small sum of money every month if I would quit smoking. She said she had been considering sponsoring a child overseas, but had realized she could do this as a more local, and therefore more satisfying, charity.

She knows how very little money I have, and went on to say that this idea had the advantages of my “earning” the assistance, of quitting being good for my health, and of my not coming to church smelling like cigarettes.

I was speechless, although not smoking certainly has much to recommend it, and I would be grateful for your expert assistance. What on Earth might I have said, beyond the involuntary reaction that nearly escaped my lips?

GENTLE READER: Your fellow churchgoer has accused you of poor judgment and smelling bad while comparing you to a starving orphan.

Miss Manners does not doubt that she meant well. But her behavior was insulting -- and offering you money was itself an insult in the context you describe.

However, as it is rude to return one insult with another, the only proper response is to say, “Thank you, but I do not accept charity,” and pointedly return your attention to the church service -- or anything else that will end the conversation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our supervisor allows the office to fete colleagues with cake/refreshments for non-work-related life events such as pending births, nuptials and the like. Since these events are held during the workday, I am uncomfortable using my employer’s time to attend.

Further, because the lion’s share of these events celebrate colleagues across campus with whom I have no day-to-day interaction, I have little interest in socializing with them.

Is there a polite way to inform my supervisor that I no longer wish to be solicited or expected to attend these get-togethers?

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the great modern office problem: how to explain to the boss that you would rather work than party during office hours. Management has been so pummeled with the notion that workers must be friends that not wanting to eat cake with some near-strangers may seem like shirking.

Therefore, Miss Manners advises against asking for a general pass. You don’t want “Does not play well with others” to go into your file.

Instead, she is afraid you will have to excuse yourself briefly every time. Congratulate the guest of honor, and then say, “Please excuse me; I’m in the middle of some work I have to finish.” It will be more effective if you do not go off with a piece of cake.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it preferable to wear long white gloves to a nighttime party for a famous person?

GENTLE READER: Preferable to what? To shaking bare hands with a famous person?

Long white gloves are worn with ball dresses on white-tie occasions, regardless of the notoriety of those attending.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation for a friend’s wedding contains an insert stating, “We are happy together and need nothing more; the best gift is you on the dance floor. No gifts, please.”

It is her second marriage, and his third. Both are in their 60s, have grown children and are financially well-off.

Does that mean no gifts of money, either? Do you believe that they will be offended if I give them one, even though they’d have the option of not cashing the check?

GENTLE READER: This is what happens when greed is such standard behavior that innocent people try to disassociate themselves from it. You are not the first person to mistake a perfectly clear message for a sly grab at money.

Miss Manners asks you to respect your friends’ explicit wishes, rather than throwing on them the burden of deciding whether it will insult you not to cash your check.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)