DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sometimes host cocktail hours at my home for people in my industry. The company that supplies the bartender prohibits a tip jar and adds a 21% service charge to their bill, of which the contract states 18% goes to the service staff.

This compensates the bartender at a living wage and then some. Still, some guests insist on sliding across dollar bills, which makes others reach into their wallets, too, which defeats part of my hospitality. Is there a way to tell people that staff in my home have already been fully tipped (a practice I find abhorrent anyway)?

GENTLE READER: Before the guests arrive, assemble the service staff, say how much you are looking forward to the party, thank them profusely -- and remind them that, as a demonstration of that gratitude, they will be receiving 18% of the bill as tips so that guests may enjoy themselves.

After the party starts, intercept the first tip and return the money to your guest, asking that they please not worry themselves: You have already ensured that everyone is being fairly compensated.

Miss Manners notes that this will go better if you have used your pregame meeting to identify the server least likely to grimace behind you when you return your guest’s money. As a party game, everyone could then go looking for the unexplained 3% that has been added to your bill.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Along in years, I have moved to a new city. I was glad to find a weekly bridge game at the local community center, and I looked forward to enjoying the game and meeting some new people.

I am a low-to-average bridge player, but nobody has made me leave because of my playing -- until this meeting. My partner was so critical that I was shocked.

What I was taught was that your first responsibility was to be sure your partner had a good time. I did not have a good time. I’m finding it hard to go back and try again. What good way could I have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER: There is a strategy that newcomers to multiplayer games can employ to head off such behavior. That is to ask the expected skill level before joining -- and firmly protest your own shortcomings before the game begins.

While this warns would-be partners what to expect, Miss Manners recognizes that it runs the risk of your coming under suspicion later if you turn out to be the best player in the room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what age should a man say “no” if he is asked to be a groomsman by a 20-year-old?

GENTLE READER: Age can be used as a shield against many unpleasant tasks, but Miss Manners would have thought that being asked to be a groomsman is both flattering and enjoyable. As the bridegroom making the request is likely a friend or family member, any refusal is going to have to rely on something other than age -- more “I’m so sorry, that’s when my surgery is planned” and less “I don’t like morning dress.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a major airline, where our first-class trays are preset and the flatware is wrapped in a napkin, already on the tray. If I place the tray down properly, the entree is closest to the customer, salad and bread are at the top of the tray, and the flatware roll-up is on the right.

This bugs me, because I believe etiquette dictates flatware should be on the left. Do I continue to badger the company and our caterers to place it on the left? Or, because it is rolled-up flatware and not a formal place setting, can it be casually placed on the right?

GENTLE READER: Continue badgering the company, although Miss Manners wonders if some airlines have not become immune to constructive criticism. You may also rearrange the flatware yourself before serving -- assuming catering has not responded to your suggestions by shrink-wrapping the lot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a wonderful man for a while, but he has the unfortunate habits of loudly chewing with his mouth open and not covering his mouth when sneezing.

When I first noticed his chewing, before I could think of how to tactfully say anything, he offered up a story about how his unpleasant stepmother used to embarrass him in public by telling him to chew with his mouth shut, and how it has given him great anxiety, and how traumatic it was to have it called to everyone’s attention. He said he did it because he had trouble breathing due to allergies.

When he has repeated this behavior, I eventually tried asking if his allergies were bothering him, instead of directly mentioning that his mouth was open, but he always said no and continued to masticate clamorously.

As he has intense anxiety issues in other areas, I am afraid to bluntly discuss the issue after the story about his stepmother. I’ve also noticed he sneezes without covering his mouth or nose, which I find quite disgusting. When he did so in a closed car with me, I directly asked him to please cover his mouth when he sneezed, to which he replied he hadn’t had time, but he has continued the behavior both indoors and out.

I’ve repeated the request, and he has pretended he didn’t hear me. Otherwise he is quite clean, but is there any way to salvage these manners?

GENTLE READER: Your boyfriend knows his behavior is unpleasant, indefensible -- and that it bothers you. This puts you, who do not wish to hurt his feelings, in an uncomfortable situation. Yet rather than help you out, he has added a new obstacle: If you raise the topic, you are told you will be equated with a stepmother who traumatized him.

Miss Manners might agree that this behavior is, under the correct use of the word, awesome, but not that it is wonderful. Fortunately, it is also inept. Express horror that his stepmother would have corrected his behavior in public, but understanding that she was trying to protect him from the revulsion many people have to such behavior. You would never publicly embarrass him, but you care about him too deeply not to say anything in private.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often host two close friends at my apartment for meals. I sparred with them after they suggested I make something other than what I originally pitched when I invited them for a meal. They maintain that it’s polite to cook what your guests request, in order to make them feel comfortable and to please their tastes.

It’s not the first time they’ve done it, but, despite the fact that it’s impolite to question others’ manners, I decided I’d say something this time. I told them that it was incorrect to suggest a different menu if someone is hosting you in their home, and that the correct response was to either accept or decline the invitation, not to scrutinize the menu. Am I correct in my thinking, or should I bend to their requests?

GENTLE READER: Strange that your friends are more interested in host manners than guest manners, considering that they are guests.

Menus have become battlegrounds, now that people care more about what they eat than with whom they eat. And while it is true that hosts should make reasonable accommodations to guests’ food restrictions and preferences, that is not license for guests to order their food as if they were in a restaurant. And Miss Manners has been told that even restaurants, now accustomed to offering gluten-free and vegetarian options, are refusing to go beyond that and accept idiosyncratic special orders.

As you invite these friends often, you are presumably generally familiar with their preferences. Of course you will use that information to try to please them. But guest manners require them to appreciate that without dictating to you.

If they want specific meals, why don’t they invite you for dinner?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have terrible skin allergies and cannot use most soaps. I use a hypoallergenic hand sanitizer after using the restroom, but honestly have started just running some water so folks don’t make assumptions. It’s always good to remind folks not to assume.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. And to refrain from monitoring other people’s bathroom habits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many years ago, I acquired a lovely set of antique silver ice cream forks. They had caught my attention as something I’d never encountered before, and for their innate whimsy. They would certainly be conversation starters at dessert!

However, I do not really know for what type of ice cream desserts they would be used, or in what circumstances they are appropriate for my dinner guests. How does one use these delightful oddities without subjecting one’s guests to certain spills and drips?

GENTLE READER: Aside from providing whimsy, delight and conversation, ice cream forks are good for eating ice cream. Miss Manners prefers them to spoons, because the curved tines can cut into solidly frozen blocks or lift out bite-sized bits of any accompanying matter, such as cake.

Even if they are new to your guests, she wouldn’t worry about the spillage. Those tines curl around a bowl that can hold soft ice cream, better than, for example, those flat wooden paddles that come with some ice cream cups. And coping with drips is a skill most people learn in childhood.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)