DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often host two close friends at my apartment for meals. I sparred with them after they suggested I make something other than what I originally pitched when I invited them for a meal. They maintain that it’s polite to cook what your guests request, in order to make them feel comfortable and to please their tastes.

It’s not the first time they’ve done it, but, despite the fact that it’s impolite to question others’ manners, I decided I’d say something this time. I told them that it was incorrect to suggest a different menu if someone is hosting you in their home, and that the correct response was to either accept or decline the invitation, not to scrutinize the menu. Am I correct in my thinking, or should I bend to their requests?

GENTLE READER: Strange that your friends are more interested in host manners than guest manners, considering that they are guests.

Menus have become battlegrounds, now that people care more about what they eat than with whom they eat. And while it is true that hosts should make reasonable accommodations to guests’ food restrictions and preferences, that is not license for guests to order their food as if they were in a restaurant. And Miss Manners has been told that even restaurants, now accustomed to offering gluten-free and vegetarian options, are refusing to go beyond that and accept idiosyncratic special orders.

As you invite these friends often, you are presumably generally familiar with their preferences. Of course you will use that information to try to please them. But guest manners require them to appreciate that without dictating to you.

If they want specific meals, why don’t they invite you for dinner?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have terrible skin allergies and cannot use most soaps. I use a hypoallergenic hand sanitizer after using the restroom, but honestly have started just running some water so folks don’t make assumptions. It’s always good to remind folks not to assume.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. And to refrain from monitoring other people’s bathroom habits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many years ago, I acquired a lovely set of antique silver ice cream forks. They had caught my attention as something I’d never encountered before, and for their innate whimsy. They would certainly be conversation starters at dessert!

However, I do not really know for what type of ice cream desserts they would be used, or in what circumstances they are appropriate for my dinner guests. How does one use these delightful oddities without subjecting one’s guests to certain spills and drips?

GENTLE READER: Aside from providing whimsy, delight and conversation, ice cream forks are good for eating ice cream. Miss Manners prefers them to spoons, because the curved tines can cut into solidly frozen blocks or lift out bite-sized bits of any accompanying matter, such as cake.

Even if they are new to your guests, she wouldn’t worry about the spillage. Those tines curl around a bowl that can hold soft ice cream, better than, for example, those flat wooden paddles that come with some ice cream cups. And coping with drips is a skill most people learn in childhood.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper about gifts given at Christmas -- i.e., a tablet, jewelry or other expensive items -- when there is a breakup two weeks later?

GENTLE READER: Don’t tell Miss Manners that the person who received these presents wasn’t already planning to end the relationship. It is not customary to lavish luxuries on someone you are about to dismiss. On the contrary, it might have been a pathetic attempt to hold on, which the recipient knew was already doomed.

So yes, please give it all back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I receive business calls, the callers say, “Is [my name] there?” Or “I’m calling for [my name].”

I have always thought it was correct for a caller to identify him- or herself before asking to speak with the person they are calling, especially if the caller is not known. This behavior is annoying to me, but am I being too fussy by clinging to past standards of propriety?

GENTLE READER: It is not the standards that are past so much as the technology. People are getting used to the fact that their names appear to the recipients of their calls, even before the telephone is answered -- which is why it often isn’t.

But while Miss Manners asks you to understand this, she advises you to achieve your objective by asking, “Who is calling, please?” before you admit to being you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I spend the holidays with dear family friends whom I’ve known my entire life. It falls to the family matriarch to host the meals, as “she has the perfect house for it” and “everyone loves Mom’s cooking.” She enjoys it, but it’s tiring for her. My own house is tiny, but I help as much as I can by bringing desserts and side dishes.

At the end of the meal, the adult children excuse themselves to have a walk or a nap. The grandchildren -- who range in age from 10 to 35 -- and the spouses of the older ones excuse themselves to play with the dog or their phones, or to toss around a ball. Maybe one other person and myself clear the table and do the dishes.

I am more than happy to help our exhausted hostess, but I resent cleaning up after able-bodied children and teenagers (especially as I always did cleanup duty when I was their age).

As I am not a blood relative, I can’t suggest they change their family tradition to lighten the load on their mother, nor can I correct their children’s manners. Frankly, I’m shocked that a 10-year-old isn’t asked to clear her own plate or help her elderly grandmother at all. Is there anything I can say?

GENTLE READER: As you point out, it is neither your house nor your family. Criticism is not in order.

However, Miss Manners wants to help, although not by clearing the table. She suggests, at the end of the meal but before people have left the table, you say heartily, “I’m volunteering to head the cleanup crew, so our hostess can relax. Who wants to join?”

At least some of them will not be able to slink away fast enough.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young college-student friend has begun working as a waitress at an inexpensive, off-campus restaurant catering to students. One evening, she served a group of eight, and even though one of the students recognized her as a classmate, they behaved like spoiled, demanding brats during their two-hour meal.

Upon receiving their bill of less than $100 for the group, they demanded eight separate checks, haggled over the tax calculation, and departed without leaving a single penny tip. My fragile young friend, who cannot survive on the $2.50 or so per hour minimum wage she receives, was left in tears.

My reaction would have been to explode in outrage, but I would like to know how the more genteel Miss Manners would have handled the situation.

GENTLE READER: Tipping and haggling are awkward and unseemly practices under the best of circumstances. And they are considerably more so when the process is executed by young people navigating their finances for the first time. Or who come seeking discounts or other advantages that your friend could not provide, nor need try to.

Ordinarily, Miss Manners would suggest that your friend avoid such tables, citing a conflict of interests, but if the restaurant is frequented by her classmates, it may prove impossible. Since the job seems to be neither lucrative nor good for your niece’s collegiate and social life, Miss Manners strongly recommends that if at all possible, she seek employment elsewhere. Exploding in outrage would have given her no choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are discussing keeping our names. We haven’t decided anything yet, but it seems like that will be the route we end up going.

We have already received a housewarming gift from my fiance’s parents that displays his last name, and are wondering if there is an acceptable way to announce our decision so we can avoid more gifts like that. We are also thinking about possible checks addressed to a person who doesn’t exist.

GENTLE READER: Correspondence that bears your names ahead of the wedding will not help, as it is what you do with them afterwards that is relevant. Some presents are bound to be wrong, and word-of-mouth faulty, particularly since you have not even made a decision yet.

There are, however, ways of announcing this after the wedding. A quaint one that might get their attention is an “at home” card, notifying friends that you are back from your wedding trip and ready as a married couple to receive guests:

Ms. Lanie Antwerp

and

Mr. Roger Fairbank

After [date of return]

[Address]

Perhaps more useful is a card with your names and address in the upper right corner, which you can keep using for invitations and enclosures with presents.

But there will still be some who get it wrong. Miss Manners asks you to be forgiving, sparing them lectures about the patriarchy and your independence.

As for banks, most are understanding and will accommodate checks if you bring in proof of the marriage or joint residence. As annoying as this is, it may still prove easier than rehabilitating a stubborn mother-in-law.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)