DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some years ago, my now 93-year-old mother discovered a very distant relative living in her city, whom she has introduced into our family and who is usually included in family gatherings. He is homosexual and has been bringing along his uninvited male friend over the past couple of years.

As committed Biblical believers, we believe homosexuality to be a serious sin, and do not like being put in the position of appearing to condone it. However, we also feel that each person should have the right to make their own judgments, and so have not said anything about this to the distant relative yet.

However, now he is assuming that his man friend is to be included in our Christmas celebration. I sent an email to my brother and cousin and copied this relative, saying we would like to come up for Christmas, to which he responded that he and this man (whom I did NOT include) would be available. I feel that this is presumptuous, but am at a loss to know how to put a stop to it without causing offense.

GENTLE READER: What strikes Miss Manners as presumptuous is the idea that your attending a party with this relative and his partner condones homosexuality any more than your presence amounts to a referendum on the private life of anyone else present. Or their presence on yours.

But even if that were so, she would still be at a loss to understand how it would apply only to the companion, but not to the relative.

Miss Manners would think that a bit of good will toward all would be appropriate for the holiday. But, as you say, people have the right to make their own judgments. And if yours precludes extending that, you should make other Christmas plans.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever correct to arrive at a party early? I have always been told NO. However, someone recently said that to arrive 15 minutes early was “Excellent,” as compared to being on time, which was “Acceptable.”

GENTLE READER: Have you ever given a party?

It is 15 minutes before the appointed hour: just enough time to check the oven, open the wine and find your shoes.

Knock, knock. “Oh, I’m so glad you could make it. Would you excuse me just a minute? No, wait, I’ll take your coat, but I’ll be right back.”

And so on. Miss Manners hopes this answers your question.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I made plans with a friend on maternity leave to visit her and her new little bundle, and I said I would bring lunch. Now we are playing the game of “I’m good with anything. You decide!” regarding what food I will bring.

While I don’t want to pick up something that she may not like, I am sure she is trying not to dictate an order when she is not the one treating. Who should make the dining decision in a (polite) food standoff like this?

GENTLE READER: What if you just bring lunch?

It is reasonable to assume that your friend would have told you if she had any food restrictions, and that she is understandably refusing to dictate the menu. Miss Manners is also guessing that the lady is somewhat busy just now, and while she would appreciate a treat, she does not want to have to plan one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have, over the past few years, applied to a number of academic appointments in English departments across the country -- and, like an unfortunate number of people in the humanities, I have not been able to secure a position. This means I have become, at least in the eyes of my in-laws, the living cliche of the graduate student who simply will not graduate.

I know there are worse existences. My advisers in my department have done their very best to assure me that eventually, with time, patience, and some luck, I will secure a job, and I have some hope that this will happen.

In the meantime, I now have to look forward to yet another holiday season and the requisite barrage of job-related questions from family and friends who are not so well-acquainted with the humanities and its job market killing-fields. Indeed, what often begins as a series of friendly questions or innocuous observations from relatives soon turns into a not-so-friendly inquisition, which invariably ends with some flavor of the questions: “Have you ever considered other options?” and “What would those be for you, exactly?”

I prevail on your expertise, Miss Manners, in dealing with lines of questioning that are at once sympathetic and invasive. I’m doing my best to maintain my temper for now.

GENTLE READER: The trick is not to let it go beyond the innocuous stage. And you should learn this now, as the problem will not cease when you do get a job. Only then, it will be about suggesting more lucrative fields.

The easiest way is to give a simple answer and immediately start questioning your interlocutors about themselves. Not only is that distracting, but it is considered charming.

For hard cases, Miss Manners suggests a soulful look and the cheerful declaration of, “I know it’s hard, but I’m not going to give up pursuing my dream.”

You will recognize this as a popular cliche of child-rearing. For that very reason, anyone who tries to advise you to give up and settle for less is going to look bitter and bad.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a river cruise with friends, they each ordered an entree first, but no soup. When it came to me, I ordered soup, so they changed their orders and all ordered soup. They said they did not want to sit while I had my soup.

I said, “Why can’t you just converse with each other?” but they didn’t want to do that. So I said, “Then you order things to eat you really may not want, just because others do?” They said yes, and that they felt it was rude not to follow this procedure.

I said I thought it was crazy. Am I the crazy one, and being rude?

GENTLE READER: Maybe just tedious. If we could revive the old rule against discussing at the table what everyone is eating, the world would go around a lot faster. That exchange does not meet Miss Manners’ definition of conversation.

Furthermore, she confesses that she is one of those people who listens to others’ orders, thinks, “Oh, that sounds good,” and orders it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you speak to the etiquette of costume party dress?

I’ve been invited to a party for adults with a “Christmas pajama contest.” It’s a church group of relatively close acquaintances and friends.

I assume that about 75% of the people will come in their pajamas or a “traditional” Christmas pajamas look; however, a few people are not participating (based on online RSVP messages).

What do you think? Is it proper to come in your pajamas -- whatever they might be? Or should the “red onesie with reindeer” be the goal? And in general, are there standards of dress that supersede any costume party dictums?

GENTLE READER: Yes: One must be fully clothed.

As it is a church group, Miss Manners is assuming that this is implicit. But she has been fooled before -- and the precarious closure on the back of that onesie is just asking for trouble.

However, this is also a contest, so it is likely that most attendees will not be wearing what they wore to bed the previous night. That is both a blessing and not.

Festive but sturdy cotton or flannel pajamas seem safe. Just know that you will likely be competing with electrified Christmas wreaths and inexplicably sexy yule logs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a nanny and really enjoy the family I work for. I do not own a car and commute almost exclusively with my bicycle, which is therefore very precious to me.

Unfortunately, the other day, Baby’s papa was doing some home projects and left the garage door open, and my lovely bicycle was stolen. Today Mama and Papa gave me a sum of money nearly equivalent to the original cost of my lost property and apologized for their carelessness.

This was very generous and will help me get back on the road soon, but I am wondering what my obligation is in thanking them. I am usually very good about writing formal thank-you notes for gifts, but since this was a reimbursement for an accident and not a gift, one part of me thinks my verbal thanks is enough and we can leave it at that.

On the other hand, I love this job and these people, and not everyone would have been so generous in their apologies (or even apologized at all!). I would, of course, love to show my appreciation. Can you help me out with this one?

GENTLE READER: What a relief. Miss Manners was fully expecting you to tell her that Papa’s reaction was more like, “It’s my garage door and I should be able to open it whenever I like!”

She is pleased to see that all parties are behaving civilly, and that you are only asking how to make the situation even better.

As the transgression was on the part of the family, a profound verbal thank-you is fine, and a written one not strictly necessary. However, an abundance of gratitude, as well as the reinforcement of gracious and proper behavior, is never remiss, and this is an opportunity to tell your employers how much you value them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)