DEAR MISS MANNERS: On my commute this morning, I ran into a co-worker on public transit. She is perhaps 25 years older than I am. She said that she didn’t realize I lived near her, and I clarified that I don’t, but that I was coming from my boyfriend’s home in the neighborhood.

My co-worker seemed very taken aback, as if I had revealed something scandalous, and said, “You shouldn’t tell people that!” I was wrong-footed.

Is it true that etiquette dictates I should not allude to sleeping at my boyfriend’s home? It feels rather Victorian to avoid even the mention of a premarital sleepover; I certainly didn’t mention any private details!

My co-worker’s attitude seems out of step with the norms of the day, but I am now nervous that I have been ignorant and embarrassing myself. If Miss Manners corrects me, I will certainly abide by her wisdom in the future and maintain the polite fiction that I was simply having an overnight visit with a friend in the neighborhood.

GENTLE READER: Your co-worker’s attitude was more Victorian than you realize.

The popular notion that Victorians did not widely practice sex would open the question of how we got here. But they also practiced something else: discretion. They had the sense to realize that life is easier when activities are kept secret -- not only from spouses and other interested parties, but from society in general, so as not to violate its expectations.

It is true that social expectations change. With the apparent exception of your co-worker, no one is actually shocked by nonmarital overnight visits. People may disapprove, which makes it sensible to refrain from flaunting it, but Miss Manners imagines that a mere mention of where you were would not provoke alarm.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who often invites herself to my home for various events (Thanksgiving, sporting events on TV, etc). She always adds the phrase, “Oh, look at me inviting myself!”

I am quite uncomfortable with this, and usually just change the subject or murmur, “I’ll let you know.”

Can you kindly tell me what the best response is to someone who invites herself when I’m not interested in hosting her?

GENTLE READER: As your friend is issuing invitations, you may treat them as such, reversing the usual host-guest dialogue. So what Miss Manners suggests you say is, “Oh, I’m so sorry, but I have to decline. Another time, perhaps.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I never, ever return gifts to the sender. I always thank them and keep them. However, I have a gift I received 15 years ago (a doll). Never liked it, but I know the giver did.

I am cleaning house. Can I offer it back, with the plausible excuse of knowing the giver loved it? Do I get a pass if I am 80 years old? Is there ever a good excuse to return a gift?

GENTLE READER: You get a pass for being 80, but not if you refer to getting rid of their offerings as “cleaning house.” You call it “downsizing,” and wanting to make sure that the doll will be in good, loving hands.

Yes, it is morbid and treacly, but Miss Manners considers it better than “Here’s your stuff back.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A faddish way of speaking, called vocal fry, has permeated the nation. This grating habit involves purposely making one’s voice sound gravelly.

It is to the point that I bristle when I hear someone talking to me utilizing this annoying style. While I can politely remind family members to please speak clearly, I cannot do the same with sales associates and phone contacts. Is there a polite way to draw this to their attention, or must my ears simply bear it?

GENTLE READER: What did you have in mind? “I hate the way you speak”?

If you must point out the irritant, Miss Manners will allow it only if you express concern for the protection of that person’s voice, not your ears: “Oh, dear, you sound as though you have a cold. Perhaps we can talk more when your voice is fully recovered.”

If the speaker protests at being fine, you may lightly press forward, saying that it does not sound quite right, could be damaging to the vocal cords, and should, perhaps, be checked out.

Miss Manners further recommends that this method be applied for both family members and acquaintances. Because etiquette-wise, there should be no distinction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My young family rents from an older couple we also know personally. This morning, our landlady texted me to say that she told a local politician that he could put one of his signs up in our front yard!

I think she crossed a line here. I don’t know this politician, or his stance on anything! What should I do about this?

GENTLE READER: Surely no landlady would dream of allowing a tenant to put up a sign for a cause with which she does not agree or fully support. Miss Manners suggests that you politely point this out: “Oh, if we are using the lawn as a means of supporting causes, perhaps you won’t mind if I post some literature about lobster empathy -- or better yet, use the area as a means for their release.” Your landlords may well find that a better place for their signage would be their own window or bumper.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 12-year-old daughter was invited to go on a one-week vacation with her best friend’s family. Am I obligated to reimburse them for costs, or give them a gift?

GENTLE READER: You would do well to figure out the financial logistics in advance and offer to pay your daughter’s share. But if the family demurs, send her with enough cash -- or access to your credit card -- so that she may offer to pay for a family meal out.

Miss Manners feels fairly certain that if this family invited your daughter on their vacation, they were expecting to pay for her food and accommodations. Keeping their own daughter happy and occupied was most likely the (no small) payment they expected in return. Still, a thank-you present afterwards, along with the letter of thanks that must be written by your daughter, would be gracious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a female graduate student at a theological school, where my daily life involves much reading, studying and writing. I use the library every day.

What is one to do when there are others using the library who obviously have a cold or sinus issues, but who seem completely oblivious of the disturbance -- not to mention disgust -- caused by their constant snorting and snuffling? And why does it seem that primarily men are guilty of this? As I write, there are two men snorting and hawking loudly -- one man in his late 20s and another in his late 50s. Didn’t their mothers teach them to go to the bathroom and blow their noses?

Would it be rude to bring to their attention their disturbance of other library patrons? Or to offer them -- politely -- some tissue?

GENTLE READER: Not if you do so sympathetically.

Miss Manners is relieved to hear that your complaint is about the public nature of the sniffling, not what to do about the handling of the books themselves. Uh-oh. She just made the whole thing worse, didn’t she?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, I had medical treatments that caused the loss of my hair. My hair has grown back, but the hair above my forehead is now short and wispy.

I recently went to a hair salon for a trim. The hairdresser pulled the short strands of hair, started laughing, and said, “What’s this?” I didn’t think she would ever stop laughing. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what to say.

I don’t think this will happen again, but if it does, what should I say? I don’t want to mention my health problems.

GENTLE READER: “Oh!” -- said with a genuinely stricken look -- “I must be in the wrong place. I came to you thinking that this would be something you were qualified to fix.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The snow is upon us in my area: yay! It is cold, and I am getting old and graying: yay! One little reward for persevering in life and marriage (33 years) is a small status symbol: fur. (I know there are lovely faux furs available these days. I have had my share of faux luxuries most of my life -- zirconia, vinyl, micro-suede -- and have been truly grateful for all of them.)

So my beloved gifted me a removable fur collar. It’s neutral and perfect for four of my coats, and truly keeps me warmer than I had hoped.

How do I remove it, and my coat, gracefully? The collar has a hook-and-eye closure, but cannot be attached to my leather or wool coats unless I pin it, and I’m not sure how to do that, either.

GENTLE READER: Treat it like a scarf, carefully unhooking it and then stuffing it in the sleeve of your coat so that it does not get separated. If forced to check it, however, Miss Manners would recommend that you instead attach it to your purse or keep it around your neck -- as long as you are confident that it will not appear that you are being escorted or attacked by something still living.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)