DEAR MISS MANNERS: A number of friends are hosting parties to raise funds to support a candidate for president.

I have already given what I can to this specific cause. May I use my prior donation as "credit" and still attend my friends' parties?

GENTLE READER: Your friends are not likely to think so. Unfortunately, donations to parties like these are often the price of admission -- and past donations are not likely to live on in the memory of campaigners who are trying to raise funds.

Miss Manners does not hold out strong hope that different parties will be held for past donors, but perhaps you can gently suggest that to the friends whose parties you will be declining. “I am afraid that we have met our budget for donating to this particular candidate, but here is hoping that when she wins, we will all be able to celebrate together.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Destination bachelor and bachelorette parties seem to be the norm. Is the best man or maid of honor expected to pay for everything?

My son seems to think it is his responsibility to pay for "their" big weekend, even if they are calling for an expensive destination party. I think he is heading for a huge disappointment if all of his friends get married before him and, when his turn comes, these same men will be knee-deep in mortgages and car payments and maybe even children. They may not be able to reciprocate.

I tried explaining this to him, that not everybody has the kind of income to be able to afford this kind of extravagance.

GENTLE READER: Does he? Is your son truly prepared to pay for the vacation of the groom and all of his friends?

That is generous indeed. But it being “his responsibility” is what gives Miss Manners pause, not the idea that it will not be reciprocated. Agreeing to be honored in a good friend’s wedding does not mean signing up to pay for expensive group vacations -- no matter what the magazines and affianced tell you. Your son would do well to suggest that these expenses are shared -- or if he feels he is unable to get out of the assignment, that he get to pick a venue that he can better afford.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice a year, I visit an old man who has worked in my industry since before I was born. He's something of a mentor. When we meet on the weekends, it is at his country home, and members of his staff serve lunch and then drive me back.

My spouse thinks I should bring a gift when visiting anyone at home. I wouldn't have a clue what to give a business acquaintance, particularly someone of exceptional wealth, so I send a handwritten thank-you card a few days later. Should I be doing more?

GENTLE READER: While a present is not strictly necessary, Miss Manners takes issue with some of your reasoning: 1. That rich people only like expensive presents and 2. That you could not possibly guess what a man you frequently visit and who shares an interest in your industry might like.

Thoughtful thank-you letters are sufficient. But the occasional small present, like a book or token that references something you have talked about, would also be exceptionally charming.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that “We’ll have to get together sometime” is a conventional phrase not to be taken literally. But at what point does a “Let’s make plans” comment become a binding promise?

I say that mentioning a specific activity and date (“I’d like to show you my favorite picnic spot while you’re in town -- maybe next Tuesday?”) obligates one to follow through as spoken, and that the other party has a right to initiate further inquiry if more specific details are not confirmed on “schedule.”

Others in my family say that everything is to be taken as a “maybe” until the original party volunteers a specific hour and address, and that if they don’t, it’s rude to ask -- that politeness requires letting the whole idea evaporate without comment.

GENTLE READER: We are at a sad moment in society when enthusiasm is mistaken for rudeness.

Miss Manners assures you that either party has the option of making vague plans more firm -- or suggesting options -- without it being deemed pushy. “Let’s get together” can be politely followed by, “Yes, let’s. My schedule is open next week. Which date works for you?”

If someone does not make an authoritative move, the game of making plans will otherwise go on forever -- and that is before all of the inevitable canceling and rescheduling begins. Miss Manners applauds -- and certainly does not wish to scare away -- any party who is willing to put down stakes. She invites the others in your family to do the same.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to respond to people who want to know the RSVP deadline after receiving an invitation that does not name one?

I tried saying that I would start calling in a couple of weeks if I did not hear back, and then, when pressed again, I asked if the inquirer needed more time to decide.

Now I'm getting accused of being rude for not giving a deadline. Please give me an alternative; I'm tempted to send them one of your columns, which I know Miss Manners would not permit me to do.

GENTLE READER: Why? Do you think that Miss Manners writes this column in order to practice her typing?

You are indeed correct that giving a deadline to respond to an invitation should not be necessary. For that matter, neither should any specific request for a reply, such as “RSVP.”

What else should one do with an invitation if not respond to it? Frame it?

Miss Manners has long lost that battle, however, and therefore allows requests for reply. But it is not rude to omit a deadline. On the contrary, including one treats adults like high-school students -- almost daring them to wait until the last minute.

It would all but tempt Miss Manners to exclude anyone who does not reply, if she had not witnessed the chaos that brings. Still, if you are prepared for a few extra people to show up, it might be a way of making your point. She would rather take that chance, than give up on civilized life.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When having guests over for dinner, I am unable to find a gracious way to refuse alcohol to those who will be driving. I generally don’t give it as an option when asking what they would like to drink, but they often request a glass of wine nonetheless.

It’s not that I associate with lushes and felons, but I personally would prefer not to serve any alcohol to a designated driver.

GENTLE READER: One need not have lost a friend to a drunk-driving accident to have an appreciation for the possible consequences of sending guests home intoxicated. But your question -- how to prevent the worst from happening without being rude -- is a reasonable one.

Those who have lost someone close may protest that manners are irrelevant. To them, Miss Manners, who believes that manners are always relevant, points out that a polite solution is more likely to be effective -- not just today but in the future -- in which you have not, through abandoning manners, lost a friendship.

What you cannot do is to offer alcohol to some guests and not others. It is both rude and, as you have discovered, ineffective. Rude, because you are publicly questioning a guest’s judgment before he has done anything wrong. Ineffective, because your guest is likely to take offense, which may make him less amenable to guidance now and socializing in future.

The time to assess the situation is when the guest is preparing to walk out the door. If you are uncertain of a departing guest’s condition, ask, “Are you OK to drive?” Follow up on an answer that is positive but does not allay your concerns. Someone who is visibly impaired has forfeited the right to be treated as a sober adult. You can appeal to any accompanying person, call a cab, confiscate keys -- or all three.

Miss Manners acknowledges that this solution does not address the drinking itself, which is why, if that is your real concern, she offers a second solution: Don’t serve alcohol to any of your guests. Should they request it, you should mention that you don’t have any, and suggest other drinks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were invited to my boss's for dinner and cards ("Bring your appetite, we're serving our special"). When we arrived, we were greeted with, "We're just getting through; get yourselves a drink and we'll be right in."

We did bring our appetites and were painfully starving as we exchanged perplexed glances. Upon leaving, we thanked them for a wonderful evening and, needless to say, drove to the nearest restaurant. Did our hosts really forget that they asked us to dinner? What would others have done in this situation?

GENTLE READER: It seems odd to Miss Manners, as well. Are we sure that everyone's good manners are not hiding a more fundamental miscommunication, such as a confusion about arrival time?

If so, your being too polite to ask, "Where's the food?" and your host being too polite to ask, "Where were you?" leaves everyone perplexed, if not insulted.

In the circumstances described, the answer to "We're just getting through" is, "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry: Are we late? We thought we were supposed to arrive at 8."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)