DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws spent a week at our home, and when they were leaving, they gave us a thank-you card with a very thoughtful message, but which also included a $200 gift card.

My reaction at first was that it was minimizing our hospitality by being excessive. But then, after declining the gift card twice, I realized that it was a gift from their heart, and I should accept it as they had also accepted my hospitality.

Giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin -- if given from the heart. Aren’t they?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if you are sure that is so. As you believe in your in-laws’ good will, and have read their kind message, Miss Manners will take your word for their warm intentions.

But she knows why you hesitated to accept. Had they given you an actual present of any kind, you would have shown immediate gratitude. Their awkward gesture of handing you the equivalent of money as they left, as if paying a hotel bill, could seem cold and even insulting.

But motivation counts, and you know they meant well, so you were right first to protest, but then to accept in the spirit in which it was intended.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My good silver set does not include a place setting for dessert. A dessert fork and spoon were never made for it.

I wonder, for a meal including a salad course and dessert, how is this problem to be solved? The salad fork cannot be placed above the plate with a place spoon, as it is needed for the salad course. The dinner fork, of course, has its function.

I realize some may consider this an arcane and asinine dilemma, but it has been bothering me for a good while now.

GENTLE READER: Now, now, that is perfectly understandable -- at least to Miss Manners.

Luckily for you, dessert services are not required to match the rest of the flatware used for a dinner. Also in your favor, although sad: Silver is in declining use, so you should be able to pick up a vintage dessert service cheaply online.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife is part of a large group of friends, and lately, when this group throws a party, the person organizing the party includes a request that attendees wear a specific color.

If you are a participant in a wedding, I understand the desire that folks be attired in matching colors, but now these ladies in the group are telling guests they have to wear clothes of a specific color. Is this some new requirement that I have not heard of, or are these requests getting out of line?

GENTLE READER: While this sounds as silly to Miss Manners as it does to you, she notes that neither of us is a member of this group. If your wife and her friends want to maintain wardrobes in multiple colors to attend occasional little costume parties, it is not our business to interfere. And if it is your wife who objects, she should open a discussion with the group.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think of the so-called Billy Graham rule, practiced by the vice president and some other politicians, where a man refuses ever to be alone with a woman who is not his wife?

Isn’t that exactly what etiquette has always preached, in its rules about the necessity of chaperones and its shaming of women who were told that they deserve what they get if they go to a man’s apartment?

GENTLE READER: What do lawyers and judges think of laws that upheld human atrocities, even including slavery?

Etiquette, like the law, is tradition-based. But when there is good reason to change, both law and etiquette authorize change -- if sometimes centuries after horrendous damage has been done.

Note the word “authorize.” This process is not license for people to go about discarding obligations they do not like. You did well to check with the highest authority.

In the matter of chaperonage, etiquette finally came to realize how vulgar it was to assume that given the opportunity, any man and any woman must be engaging in only one activity. So, a century ago, Miss Manners’ distinguished predecessors abolished the rule requiring social chaperones for respectable young people. That they were not following it anyway may have had something to do with this leniency.

It had always struck Miss Manners as strange that lingering forms of protectionism have restricted the lady, rather than the assumed predator. She recalls making this point in regard to the women’s dormitory curfew rules of her school days. (Nobody listened, but 10 years later, another student -- a future politician -- successfully canceled the curfew.)

A paramount consideration now is the devastating effect that such appendages would have on female careers. And in the cases you mention, it is the males who are calling for supervision. Perhaps they have the decency to realize that they cannot trust themselves to behave professionally. In that case, they should, indeed, provide chaperones to keep themselves in line.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine, who is having a baby, received a gift today off her baby registry. However, it's from a person she doesn't know.

We looked, and there is another woman with a baby registry with the same name as my friend, but my friend's name populates first in the list. We think this person may have purchased from my friend's list accidentally.

But now she isn't sure how to play this. Does she contact the stranger and thank them? Contact them to see if they made a mistake? What would you recommend?

GENTLE READER: Could it be any clearer that this was a mistake? Strangers do not look up registries in order to send presents to unknown recipients.

That you have the least doubt about this worries Miss Manners. Your friend should immediately contact the store, which will contact the buyer. If she is then informed that, indeed, it was a random gesture to a stranger, Miss Manners will apologize for suspecting you both. If your friend is hesitating, you might point out that the other expectant mother may be receiving her presents.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend whom I used to be very close to, but we have fallen out of contact. We haven’t seen each other in over a year now, and only talk sporadically. I saw her post on social media that she had lost her grandmother, so I messaged her my condolences and warm thoughts.

We had a short conversation, and then she told me that if I wanted to send flowers, she would give me the address. I was taken aback, because my finances aren’t in a position to be sending flowers to grandmothers (whom I’ve never met) of friends I’m only loosely in touch with. What is an appropriate way to respond?

GENTLE READER: No doubt your friend has become used to fielding questions about what people can do to honor her grandmother, and mindlessly gave you the suggestion and the address.

Had she made a demand or created a registry, Miss Manners would fault her, but that was not the case here. The proper response is “Thank you,” with no need to follow up with flowers. Instead, you may use that address to write her a letter of condolence -- and perhaps in the process, reignite the friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. They will renew their vows with a Mass.

My sisters and their spouses/significant others will be walking in ahead of our parents. I am widowed, and was wondering if it is proper to carry a photo of my husband with me.

GENTLE READER: When you said Mass, surely you meant the church wedding service and not the amount of people who would be joining it. Because it seems to Miss Manners that the other couples are highly irrelevant to this event.

Unless this is a group wedding, walking in matched sets seems ridiculous. Miss Manners suggests that you use your widowed status to demur politely, maintain your dignity, and stay seated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend and I (of 24 years) have a longstanding minor disagreement. When I give her a compliment, she insists that she should only say “thank you” if she agrees with it. If she doesn’t agree with the compliment, then she will say, “No, my shirt is not really pretty,” or, “No, my hair doesn’t look good today,” etc.

I have told her that when someone compliments her, she should just say “thank you” regardless of whether or not she agrees. It is my belief that she is simply thanking the person for giving her a compliment, and not necessarily endorsing the compliment itself by giving her thanks. Please resolve this issue for us. Thank you for your help.

GENTLE READER: What if you dislike Miss Manners’ answer? Will you take that thank-you back?

But you are right. A compliment, when given genuinely, is not generally something to be challenged or mistrusted. Nor is it to be treated as an opening move in an ongoing debate. A simple “thank you” and show of appreciation is all that is necessary when one is being admired. Of course, that is only the case if the receiver ever wishes to repeat the experience.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)