DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother is suspected of having narcissistic personality disorder -- one of the worst cases many have seen. Throughout my life, I was subject to verbal and physical abuse, as well as unreasonable demands to allow her control over my life, and further abuse if I deviated from whatever nonsense she dictated -- well into adulthood.

In my 30s, I began distancing myself from her, and her behavior became increasingly deranged. She began lying about me to friends and family, accusing me of suffering from mental illnesses I certainly don’t have.

As a result, in my 40s, I cut her out of my life completely and stopped responding to calls or emails. She then cut me out of her significant will, yet continued sending emails and leaving voicemails abusing me, and accusing me of shirking my duties toward her as she aged and grew ill.

She is now expected to die within three years due to numerous chronic diseases. When she dies, frankly, I will be relieved and grateful that I will no longer be subject to her sharp abuses that still leave me feeling like a vulnerable child. I will not mourn her, nor am I willing to lie and talk about how wonderful she was, when clearly she was anything but wonderful to me.

Do I have to attend her funeral? What should I say to those who offer condolences? Am I obligated to appear as a loving daughter after she dies?

GENTLE READER: You no doubt have a plethora of people, degreed or otherwise, ready to give you advice on why and how to make up with your mother before she dies. Miss Manners can instead answer the question you asked, namely how to behave after she is gone, assuming that no deathbed resolution occurred.

We do not speak ill of the dead because our sense of fair play demands that the subject of any accusation has a chance to defend herself, and this will clearly no longer be possible. But speaking ill and thinking ill of the dead are not the same. And one can refrain from saying harsh things without pretending everything was wonderful.

If things were so bad when she was alive that you had to cut off all relations, then etiquette makes no demand that you attend the funeral. If, however, you do attend -- or if people express their condolences to you -- the proper response is dignified and short: a serious “thank you,” without elaboration.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for a man and woman who are building a house but aren’t married to have a housewarming?

GENTLE READER: We are not, Miss Manners presumes, talking about a widowed, elderly brother and sister who have decided to retire together. Your question really is: Does etiquette condemn couples who cohabitate without being married?

In fact, etiquette does not care, this being a question of morals, not manners. Anyone who objects to the arrangement is free to decline the invitation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When new acquaintances invite us to their homes for a visit, is there a kind way of asking in advance whether they have large, muscular, needy or excitable dogs -- and if so, can they be excluded from the visit, at the very least until we have had the opportunity to “get to know” their pets?

Clearly, most dog owners are completely comfortable having their pets indoors, as are many of their guests. However, those of us who do not own dogs are usually not quite so at ease around them, especially at the first encounter.

I am not allergic to dogs. I have often thoroughly enjoyed the companionship of well-mannered dogs who display an even disposition. But I have had just about as much being yipped at, growled at, snapped at, slobbered on, sniffed, nuzzled, licked, nipped at and pawed by “the sweetest creatures in the world, who will be just fine once they get used to you” as I care to have!

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, a guest can no more ask her host to lock the family pet away for the duration than she can ask the same for the resident toddler -- even a toddler known for sticking his fingers into everything on the hors d’oeuvre tray.

Dog owners who were about to applaud Miss Manners for equating Rover and Robin should be warned that she was doing so to make her point, not to anthropomorphize whichever one was the dog in that example. She is willing to acknowledge that dog owners love their dogs very much without agreeing that good manners allows them to be inflicted on visitors.

What then, as a guest, can you do with the misbehaving host of a misbehaving animal? Dramatize your discomfort by squirming, backing away or moving your seat. Such overt actions will cause any reasonable hosts to reevaluate their actions -- with luck, before you have to lock yourself in the bathroom or leave.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was visiting a large city, staying at an inn where guests all gathered for breakfast. Each morning, someone invariably yelled across the room to me, “Where are you from?” followed by more questions, such as “Why are you here?” And then “Let me tell you about this city.”

I am shy and introverted in the morning, and felt very uncomfortable announcing my life story to the breakfast room. Finally, I pretended I didn’t hear and looked out the window. What to say?

GENTLE READER: Yours is the polite and practical solution: polite because venues with common tables expect the guests to introduce themselves and to mingle, and practical because cowering in one’s room over a boiled egg is not much fun.

Miss Manners does not suggest there is ever an excuse for yelling at someone over breakfast, unless, perhaps, the person who is being addressed is hard of hearing, which is what you are pretending to be. If necessary, you can pretend not to understand and reply that it is, indeed, a lovely day.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend of several years and I are going to different colleges this fall, and will not see much of each other anymore. We want to keep in touch. I am close with her family; her parents are like an aunt and uncle to me.

Two years ago, we had an optional band trip, which cost right around $800. I was not going to go because my family couldn’t afford it, and then I was told that someone had paid the whole amount for me to go on the trip. I went and had a great time, especially with my friend.

After thinking about it, I realized that my friend’s parents were probably behind the anonymous gift, and my friend confirmed it when I asked. Should I acknowledge their generosity with a thank-you card?

It meant a lot to me that I got to go on that trip. And I feel that if I’m going to send a card, I should do it before I go to college. But it also has been two years, and since I wasn’t supposed to know it was them, I never said anything about it.

I don’t want to make them uncomfortable, since it was anonymous, but I also don’t want their generosity to go unrecognized. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Circumstances have changed. Had you realized at the time that your friend’s parents were paying your expenses, you would have been obliged to protest. That is why they kept it from you.

But there is no question of that now. You have much for which to thank them -- not just the $800 -- and Miss Manners is pleased to see that you are eager to do so.

She trusts that you do not really mean to send a card -- some pre-printed thanks -- but a heartfelt letter. The thrust of it should be that they have been, as you said, like an aunt and uncle to you. You should mention your enjoyment of that trip as an example, adding that you were too naive at the time to realize that of course they were your benefactors.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My twin and I like to dress alike on Sundays, on holidays, when we go out of town, when we go on cruises, and at banquets. We are 65 years of age and very stylish. We were unable to do this when we were raising our children.

Apparently this annoys some people. We have had folks make rude remarks such as, “Are you still dressing alike?” I usually say that I did not get the memo.

Why do people care? Is there a rule out there that says we cannot dress alike at a certain age? We enjoy doing it and have similar tastes.

GENTLE READER: Why anyone should care is a good question, but so is why you should care what rude people say.

Miss Manners suggests a rehearsed response. Look intently at each other’s outfits as if seeing them for the first time, and say in unison, “I like your dress.” Even the silliest busybody should understand that you dress to please yourselves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)