DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband turned 40, I threw him a surprise party to celebrate the milestone year. The event was fully paid for, including open bar, food and entertainment. Guests were not asked to bring or do anything, and they fully enjoyed the hospitality.

We had a great time, and that is what matters. However, the next day, several of my husband’s family asked if any of the guests brought him cards or gifts. One invited guest did bring a present, but the other 25 did not.

My husband and I are split on what is good manners. Should you bring cards and/or gifts to an adult’s birthday party?

GENTLE READER: Birthday presents for adults are highly optional, certainly not to be expected and never demanded. Miss Manners is relieved to say that you did everything right, including presenting the occasion as a milestone year, implying that its reoccurrence should be delayed for another 40.

Do not succumb to ideas planted by outsiders that you should have expected something in return for your hospitality, or be tempted to declare another milestone next year so that you can cash in on what your husband missed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When dining out with friends, I have found, over the years, that my wife and I spend much more money than when we eat out by ourselves. When it’s just us, she does not drink any alcoholic beverages, and I limit my drinks to one. If we order an appetizer, it’s to share.

After we went out with friends, we ended up spending $25 more than we should have, as the other couple ordered very expensive meals. Each had more than one drink, and they each had their own appetizer!! (This is an extreme case. Usually we spend about $10 more than we should have.)

Dining out with our friends is one of our cherished pastimes. We have started to ask for separate checks, but I feel awkward doing so, as I do not want to offend the various friends we dine with. I also noticed a few friends’ body language showed they were surprised by this, but they said nothing.

Is it offensive to the friends we are going out with to ask the server for separate checks when he/she starts to take our order? I’m tired of paying for everyone else’s drinks and meals!

GENTLE READER: Then you should probably steer clear of any sort of entertaining or social life.

Annoying as it may be, dining at restaurants with friends is rarely going to be an even trade. Avoiding awkward negotiation is difficult. Even under the best of circumstances, it is more likely to strain a friendship than enhance it.

If you insist on eating out rather than having people over and hoping that they reciprocate (also generally a losing proposition if you are looking for an even exchange), Miss Manners suggests that you get over your shyness about asking for separate checks. Then you can enjoy your own food without monitoring what your friends are consuming.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I take my 6-year-old to the doctor to treat allergies or colds, medical forms ask for my marital status. I’ve been leaving this part of the form blank ever since getting unsolicited advice on single parenting from a nurse a few months ago.

I provide a second emergency contact when the forms ask for one, and I’d be happy to give my marital status if I could see how it was relevant to my child’s treatment.

Today, I was checking in my child for a medical procedure. The nurse asked me for my marital status, and I replied, “Oh, why do you ask?” I hoped she’d either give me a medical reason or move on to the next question, but instead she said, “So I can fill in this form.”

Annoyed, I shortly answered: “Skip.” She moved on to the next question. Could you please suggest a more polite way to handle this conversation the next time it comes up?

GENTLE READER: “I am my child’s primary parent. Neither of us is currently married -- nor are we looking.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a groomsman for some longtime friends of ours. They attended our wedding a couple months ago, and we are so excited for their coming union. Then we found out that I am not invited to the rehearsal dinner -- only he is.

When we were planning our wedding, I was told that if anyone in the wedding party had a spouse, they were to be included in all rehearsal-related activities. I am particularly bummed because we are traveling across the country for their wedding. Is it appropriate to express my disappointment to the couple?

GENTLE READER: Only if you want to make for an extremely awkward next encounter. The couple will either begrudgingly invite you to the rehearsal dinner, or remain steadfast that it is wedding party-only. If it is the latter, surely there are other spouses in a similar position. Miss Manners suggests you seek them out to plan your own evening’s entertainment. And then resolve to have a lot more fun.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a six-year difference between my sister and me, but there is no missing the fact that we are sisters. Lately in social settings, we are often asked which one of us is older. This question has been asked by complete strangers and co-workers.

With strangers, I have no hesitation in taking a page from your book and asking, “Why do you want to know?” and then changing the subject. My quandary is in responding to co-workers and their significant others. We have another work/family gathering in a few months, and it would be helpful to have a polite, tactful response.

GENTLE READER: To be clear, if Miss Manners recommended, “Why do you want to know?” as a proper response, it was meant to be asked in a tone of mild curiosity, not shirt-gripping demand.

And she reminds you that strangers are no less entitled to a polite answer than family and friends, no matter how impertinent the question. How about answering, instead, “We are like twins. Can’t you tell?” That should confuse them into silence -- and changing the subject themselves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss received a beautiful bouquet of flowers for her birthday from a business vendor. As she was away on a vacation, and would be gone for another week, I sent her a photo and video of the bouquet and card so that they could be temporarily enjoyed, at least visually.

I was a bit stunned to get a call from her asking me to please call the florist, and ask if the flowers could be picked up and a new bouquet delivered upon her return, but I said “Of course.” So I called the local florist and they said they’d see what they could do.

Apparently the florist then called their client, the sender, to ask if they’d like to pay to send a second bouquet. Somebody bears the cost of a second bouquet.

It seems to me that a gracious person would have said, “Oh, those are beautiful; would someone in our office like to take them home and enjoy them?” Was her request a symptom of over-entitlement?

GENTLE READER: Alive as Miss Manners is to the rudeness of others, she cannot help noticing that there would be less rudeness if we did not go around expecting to find it. What your boss did was unexpected, but not rude.

What happened next created the mess, much like the actor who drops a prop that causes another actor to trip and fall into the lap of the gentleman in the front row.

Your boss’s hope that the flower shop would reschedule the delivery after it had occurred was absurdly optimistic. But she is the boss. Your call to the flower shop should have been: “My apologies. I realize this is unusual, but my boss is out of town. Would it be possible to reschedule the delivery?”

The word “reschedule” makes clear that you are asking the flower shop not to charge you a second time; the apology is an acknowledgment that, unless your company does an enormous amount of business with this particular florist, you can hardly expect them to comply.

The florist should then have responded: A. “I’m sorry, but we cannot reschedule after delivery has been made”; B. “We are happy to deliver a new bouquet next week, but we will have to charge for it”; or C. “Sure.”

None of this having happened, the sender should, after the florist’s call asking for more money, have called your boss (or yourself) to find out what was going on, at which point someone could have canceled -- or paid for -- the pending order. The point being that clarity and good will all around would have made unnecessary any question about the quality of your boss’s upbringing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best response to a gentleman who looks over to you in church and says, “By the way, your perfume is very nice.”

GENTLE READER: “Shhh.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)