DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and their spouse are planning a five-day vacation to my city, and have invited me out for dinner one night. I live in a trendy town with a lot of unique restaurants, and they asked me for a recommendation and information about specific places.

I haven’t been to the spots they asked about, but suggested others that I like a lot. They didn’t take my recommendations, and instead chose one of the restaurants on their list. Neither their choice nor my rec is a famous place, and both are highly reviewed online.

I’m going to go and likely enjoy the food a lot, but their decision still confuses me. Obviously, they can go wherever they want, but I still feel a little insulted they would rely on travel websites over me, a person who has lived here for 15 years.

This is the second time this has happened with out-of-town visitors. Are they being rude? Am I out of touch? Is it somewhere in between?

GENTLE READER: As you were twice fooled, Miss Manners understands why you would be miffed -- and unlikely to want to be ignored if asked for restaurant recommendations in the future. If the next request comes with an accompanying list, you may say, “I don’t know the ones you suggested, but if those don’t work out, I am happy to make reservations at one of my favorite places.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to a wedding where I don’t know the couple as well as he does, but we RSVPed for both of us. But then my husband was promoted at work, and there is a required event on the day of the wedding.

We informed the couple as soon as we knew, and they were very gracious about it. I told the bride’s sister -- whom I know well and who is doing a lot of the planning -- that I wasn’t comfortable going alone since it is a three-hour drive, and I cannot drive after dark.

After that conversation, the bride found a man to take my husband’s reservation and said he would be willing to drive down with me.

That is not happening.

I know him, but not well. He isn’t married, but I think he has a girlfriend.

Would it be OK for me to just ask the couple if he can take both reservations?

I don’t want to be one of those people who disregards the purpose of an RSVP, but I cannot see how to make this work.

GENTLE READER: And yet this bride has done everything in her power to make things work on your behalf. Miss Manners is not insisting that you ride three hours with a near-stranger (however vetted he may be), but the bride has tried and failed to present a solution without also disrupting her table settings.

Now the problem is yours. You can either politely refuse the offer and hire a car instead (although Miss Manners warns you that the driver might also not be married or have a girlfriend), or do as you suggest and decline the invitation entirely. But then, Miss Manners warns, you should not soon expect another one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

GENTLE READERS: Being true to oneself is a poor excuse for being rude to others.

Miss Manners is aware that it is often easier or more convenient to be rude than to be polite, and that many honest, natural impulses are rude. But she does not accept that as justification for the behavior.

Take the childish impulse not to dress up. The same little girl who pleaded to wear her princess dress to school now demands to wear jeans to her aunt’s wedding. And her brother says his pants are too itchy; he wants to wear his superhero tights.

At least they don’t try to pass off their whims as based on principle.

Grown-ups do. Father’s tie, which was in the closet minding its own business, is accused of trying to choke him. It is no doubt in league with mamma’s shoes. Rather than dress up themselves, the grown-ups -- who know they cannot attend the wedding in their pajamas -- dress up their behavior. What was a minor discomfort becomes a betrayal of truth.

Such sleights of hand extend not merely to dressing for the event, but even to attending: “I’m not a funeral person” is presented without embarrassment -- as if we might not notice that even dying no longer gets you noticed by your friends.

As a species, humanity is all too happy to put its own comfort first. Manners exist to avoid the inevitable consequences, namely that being oneself too often involves ignoring others.

Proper attire for funerals shows respect for the dead and the living, and lack of it, by extension, shows disrespect.

What, then, of condolence letters, particularly those at one’s place of employment?

There are two reasons to write a letter to co-workers who have lost loved ones: because the bereaved are friends or because they are employees. The two are not mutually exclusive. Achilles was Patroclus’ supervisor on the job, but they also spent a good deal of time together outside of work hours. Good friends write friends condolence letters (mere acquaintances do not expect such notice). But attending the funeral is not an excuse not to write.

This leaves the letter penned by the boss to the employee. It will do you no good to quote Miss Manners that business and personal life are separate -- implying that it is improper to insert yourself into the most personal of moments, the loss of a loved one.

Nor does she wish to hear of your own discomfort with the task. You can be true to the part of yourself that cares about others.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received a few invitations to retirement parties that have come with rather a hefty price tag ($150 per couple). This entrance fee is used to pay for catering, photographer, decorations, venue, etc. When I have questioned this practice of having other people pay for someone’s party, I was told that it was OK because technically, the retiree isn’t throwing the party -- a friend is.

I don’t believe it is ever OK to throw yourself, or anyone else, a party and then expect others to pay for it. What say you?

GENTLE READER: Unlike the legal system, etiquette does not write its rules into precisely worded statutes that can be pored over by lawyers, judges, and people who are less clever than they believe and have more free time than is good for them. This means that there are fewer technicalities in the etiquette business: Having no letter of its laws leaves etiquette free to concentrate on the spirit. (It also saves the cost of employing lawyers, judges and jailers.)

But whoever told you the rule cited above got it wrong. There are two rules in play: The first is that one does not properly throw a party to honor oneself; the second, that hosts do not properly charge guests for their hospitality. Miss Manners is willing to accept technicalities as honoring the first (a husband throwing a party for a wife’s retirement, for example), but the violation of the second is clear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m 55. When I was about 12, sitting in the parlor of my grandmother’s Victorian home, she told me that respectable people do not sit in their cars, honking their horns, as a way of calling the neighbors out of their houses. Instead, they shut off the engine, walk to the front door and ring the doorbell.

Assuming that there is plenty of on-street parking and the person who has come calling on the neighbor has two functioning legs, is my grandmother’s rule still generally accepted as correct?

GENTLE READER: Generally, although the nature of the trip and the relationship of driver and rider are also relevant. A 55-year-old driving a 12-year-old to school as part of an ongoing carpool can be excused for keeping her seat, as can a driver picking up a near relation who is looking out the window.

Miss Manners does note one important change: The advent of cellphones allows the driver to avoid honking, which was never, strictly speaking, polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When determining dating anniversaries, is it more appropriate to count from the first date or from when the couple decided to “go steady”? Or is it a matter of personal preference?

GENTLE READER: So long as such anniversaries are not inflicted on -- Miss Manners meant to say “shared with” -- others, etiquette leaves you to enjoy whatever festivities you please in private, whether they date from your first date, your first kiss -- or any other memorable events about which she does not wish to hear more.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)