DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attend a very liberal college, and many of my classmates are passionate about decreasing the taboo surrounding mental illness. While I support this cause in spirit, I’m bothered by some of its symptoms.

Specifically, many of my peers apologize preemptively for future slights. Typically, a classmate will say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry if I’m rude to you today; I’m dealing with a depressive episode.”

I recognize that nobody is perfect, and would certainly forgive someone who apologized after being gruff. But a preemptive apology often leaves me uncertain that my peer is even planning to try to regulate his or her behavior. I also feel that any regret is insincere: Because the apologizer has yet to hurt me, I don’t think he or she can possibly acknowledge the pain I (might) feel.

Am I right to be put off, or should I catch up to the times? Is there an appropriate way to express my displeasure with such an apology without seeming to judge a friend’s struggles with mental health?

GENTLE READER: “I am so sorry. How lucky, at least, that you know in advance when you’re going to offend. I’m not sure that I am able to do that, so please forgive me if I accidentally take offense.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have dedicated myself to getting back into the habit of sending regular birthday cards to members of both my family and my husband’s family. This is a habit I was committed to years ago and slowly let dwindle away.

In my planning, I’m making a list, by month, of all birthdays to include. This list has the obvious mothers, fathers and all siblings. Who else is it appropriate to include, or inappropriate not to, beyond immediate family?

We have one niece who is still quite young, so she is going on the list. We also have grown nieces and nephews on both sides and, with the exception of one, we hardly see any of them or know what is going on in their lives. And, to add more confusion, my sister-in-law married a man who has two grown sons whom we’ve met once, maybe twice, and they also fall into the nephew category.

I truly want to get back into the habit of sending birthday wishes on a regular basis, but the last thing I want to do is offend family members by leaving someone out who should be included.

GENTLE READER: Host a family reunion. It seems the most efficient means of getting to know one’s family members -- so that a card has some actual significance when it is sent.

If that is not practical, Miss Manners suggests that you create a letter or email chain where everyone can send their own and extended family’s birth dates. If you are truly dedicated to the project, the number of cards may be extensive. But it may soon drop off as interest and reciprocation begin to wane. At which point, you may save your postage and sensibly start editing the list.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a comic book writer who has long enjoyed interacting on social media with my fans and other like-minded folks about the various superhero and science fiction movies and TV shows that are proliferating the pop culture landscape.

We come to you to rule upon the issue of “spoilers.” With the advent of DVRs, not to mention the various priorities and choices that today’s audience has, sadly, there is no longer an agreed-upon “next day over the water-cooler” type of camaraderie.

Audience members who experience the entertainment first are expected to sit on their hands until everyone has had a chance to see it. The mob has sort of informally agreed upon a week’s time to wait to discuss things, but that seems to me to fly in the face of the immediacy of social media interaction.

As a writer, I chafe at the imperfect solution of prefacing every enthusiasm with a long bar of “spoiler space” or typing the crass “SPOILER” billboard warning across what may only be intended to be a brief (albeit, admittedly, public) discussion amongst pals.

Since there are no established rules for TV and movie spoiler etiquette, any opinion on this matter by an individual is usually dismissed as subjective, which, of course, it is. How are folks supposed to account for the entire audience to be caught up without hearing from the churlish that an innocent post ruined their enjoyment?

An entire cadre of pop culture nerds eagerly awaits your response.

GENTLE READER: SPOILER: Not everyone will like Miss Manners’ answer.

She sees nothing wrong with what you deem a crass warning. By headlining public conversation with it, up-to-date fans will be able to talk freely -- and those who are delayed will have been forewarned.

Miss Manners is aware that people who spoil movie endings have been beaten up -- quite literally -- and those they have wronged deem this retaliation justified. Purposefully ruining others’ enjoyment of popular entertainment is unkind, but justifying violence as a means of counteracting it betrays a society that is clearly lacking in priorities.

In the age of immediate gratification, there seems to be no satisfactory waiting period, so Miss Manners recommends the aforementioned alerts. But she already stated that, didn’t she? See? She even spoiled her own ending.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I vacation every year in a beautiful rented condo, which we have opened to our children and one close friend.

Two separate friends have invited themselves to our condo for a week, stating they know we have room. We did not commit to either party, but I know it will come up again.

Is their request rude, or am I reading too much into it? How do I gracefully tell them this is not an option?

GENTLE READER: Inviting oneself when one is not family or explicitly given an open invitation is, Miss Manners assures you, rude. “I’m afraid that unfortunately, we do not, in fact, have room. But we would love to see you if you are in town. I am happy to recommend some nearby hotels or rentals that have similar rates to ours.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was engaged, but it didn’t work out. Now he wants back every ring he gave me: a promise ring, an engagement ring (1 carat) and a double birthstone ring (his birthstone and mine) that he bought me for Christmas.

Later he bought me a laptop, even though I told him I could wait because it was too expensive. He said, “Don’t worry.” Same for when he bought me a phone. When I said I could do with the less expensive one, he said, “Don’t worry about it.”

Months later, I wanted a vehicle towards which I had $800 saved. The one I wanted had a $2K down payment. When I told him I couldn’t afford it, he said, “Do you want it?” I said “yes,” so he paid the down payment.

Now that we’ve separated, he wants it all back, or for me to pay him back.

If someone in good faith gives a gift with no expectations, should the one that received the gifts give them back or pay for them?

GENTLE READER: Your ex-fiance is being harsh in demanding the repatriation of all presents, but this does not, Miss Manners fears, end the matter. They were not given with “no expectations”: He expected you to marry him, though not, let us hope, as a direct result of his largesse. That is why an obviously explicit present -- an engagement ring (of whatever carat) -- should always be returned.

Precisely to avoid this situation, ladies, even affianced ones, do well to avoid taking too much loot before the wedding. Otherwise, their own motives in accepting presents may be questioned, a situation that a reasonable lady would find embarrassing.

Returning everything may be the only way to clear your reputation, if doing so is a concern.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I dine at a restaurant that doesn’t provide a separate butter knife, I don’t know what to do after I use my dinner knife to cut my meat, and then want to butter a roll. The knife has pieces of meat or sauce on it, which I don’t want on my roll.

GENTLE READER: While even restaurants that claim to know better may not be up to the requirements of polite dining, even basic establishments are anesthetized to customers dropping silverware on the floor. Miss Manners is not suggesting that you do so, merely that a request for another knife will not raise any eyebrows (although it may cause your waiter to surreptitiously glance in the direction of your feet). Although the resulting utensil is unlikely to be butter-specific, it should serve your purpose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the difference between dinner and supper?

GENTLE READER: Historically, dinner was the largest meal, served at midday. A lighter meal, supper, followed, at what we now call dinnertime. As the midday meal declined in importance, the term “dinner” began to be applied at, or after, dark.

Today, the only distinction that remains is in the calorie count: Miss Manners takes a light lunch when she is going out to dinner, but yearns for a late-night snack when it turns out to be merely a supper.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)