DEAR MISS MANNERS: For various reasons, both practical and philosophical, we do not host large birthday parties for our children each year, instead choosing to do so every three or four years. The other years, we have quieter family celebrations. We have a large number of children, the planning of these events causes stress, and we want to teach our children moderation, manage their expectations and prevent spoiling them to excess.

This works well for our family, and I do not have opinions on whether others should do the same. However, it does seem to be popular in our area for parents to throw large, blowout celebrations for their children every year, inviting half the class or neighborhood, or more.

My children often get invited to these events and so are beneficiaries of the hosts’ generosity -- often the same hosts for many years running. It feels as if we are taking advantage of everyone’s largesse. But it does seem silly to keep my children from attending because we don’t do the same, when everyone else in their social group is attending.

I know dinner parties and other smaller events have an etiquette expectation that the guests reciprocate and take turns offering hospitality. Is this the same for children’s birthday parties? Should I be hosting more frequent events to show good manners? Or is teaching my children to attend these events with grace, gratitude and good manners my only responsibility in this situation?

GENTLE READER: Back when we were engaged in a cold war, the English language had to borrow a term from one of our allies -- ”detente” -- to describe the moderating of what would otherwise have been an all-out arms race. Vocabulary may change, but not necessarily the problems: Must you, in an age of expanding birthday parties for children, expand your own hosting -- contributing further to what Miss Manners will now dub the Cupcake Race?

Yes. And no. Reciprocity need not be exactly one to one: You are partially fulfilling your obligations with the larger parties you already throw every few years. The score can then be evened out with less burdensome invitations -- for example, inviting those hosts to more than your share of play dates.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was told at an early age that one should correspond in blue ink, including RSVPs, unless it pertains to death or a funeral. Black ink is reserved for condolences, etc. Does the color of the ink matter?

GENTLE READER: While black ink is used for condolence notes, it is also acceptable for everyday correspondence. Miss Manners can hear the sigh of relief from pen and ink manufacturers everywhere, given the abundance of black markers on the shelves.

Before they celebrate by stocking up on a wider range of colors, she hastens to remind everyone of the general agreement that darker colors -- black, blue, but also gray -- are understood to convey seriousness, something that is assumed to be lacking from the correspondence of small children, over-excited teenagers, and others who search out inks with embedded glitter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My personal office door opens directly to the passage between the lobby and the rest of the office (break room, other offices, etc.), all of which are in close quarters. I prefer to keep my door open so that anyone can walk in for their needs relating to my department.

However, because of this, everyone walking by naturally looks into my office with me sitting sideways, facing my computer. I do not particularly mind this, except that some of my co-workers might find it rude when I neglect to greet them when they pass by. (Of course, I greet anyone who knocks or steps into my office.)

Am I rude not to greet each person passing by? Should I just close my door? Unfortunately, the door does not have a glass panel or anything that would make my office a little more accessible.

GENTLE READER: Your office would be accessible if, when anyone knocked on your door, you answered, “Come in.” Why do you want to leave yourself open to hallway traffic?

Miss Manners knows why. You have the popular idea that this shows openness, if not warmth, to human contact, although that might not be relevant to your work. What your closed door shows is that you are hard at work and should not be disturbed other than for work-related matters.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m unable to attend a distant relative’s wedding and bridal shower. I am wondering what your thoughts are on if there is the need to send monetary gifts, and proposed amounts.

GENTLE READER: You do not have to pay to stay away, even if the couple proposed that -- and if it would be worth it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are renting rooms in our home to two temporary boarders. I have noticed that one of them does not wash their hands after urinating.

I don’t mean to notice, but their bathroom is beside the couch, and the water does not run after I hear the flushing. I have also not needed to refill the soap yet in that bathroom.

This person uses our kitchen and barely washes before handling dishes or food.

As a person who works with young children, I am more germ-aware than many people. I am not sure how to best communicate my discomfort. Would it be rude to ask someone to practice basic hand hygiene?

GENTLE READER: Yes and no. It is not just rude but creepy to monitor other people’s bathroom noises, so you should at least not admit to doing this. And you should not instruct your boarders about their behavior behind closed doors, as you may with the young children whom you supervise.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners realizes that you are not likely to forget what you have heard. So what you can do, if you do it gently, is to establish a general rule in regard to your kitchen. Just tell all your boarders, regardless of the ill-gotten information you have about them, that you ask everyone to wash hands before using the kitchen.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 13 weeks pregnant, and really annoyed with my husband’s family members for constantly asking me how I feel and if I’m showing yet. I’m at the point where I am getting angry enough to try to avoid them.

I guess it’s because when I do describe how I’m feeling, they don’t listen -- almost like the question is just something that needs to be asked, and they don’t know how to react to a description of sickness.

I feel like telling them that I’m not going to answer that question anymore. I know those words are blunt, but how should I tell my husband’s mother, sister, aunts, dad, etc. to stop asking questions?

GENTLE READER: Now, now. Of all the indignities people routinely direct toward pregnant ladies, “How are you?” is not the worst. It is not even a particularly nosy question, but merely a conventional pleasantry.

There is no need to be snippy to your baby’s close relatives. However, Miss Manners will allow you to give a frank answer, such as “nauseous” or “cranky” (one word; no graphic descriptions) provided that you do it with an impishly apologetic smile. They will not be likely to press you for details. And in all fairness, you would not want them to offer folk remedies or remind you that your discomfort is worth the end result.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are looking forward to settling into our new, small community, and meeting our neighbors. We received a community-wide email from a neighbor we have yet to meet, informing us of a party they will be having, to which we are not invited (not surprised, not expected). The email was alerting us to the fact that multiple watercraft would be mooring in the community waterway, and additional cars would likely be creating traffic congestion on the street -- and “Thanks in advance for your understanding.”

How should we best respond? We do not object to a neighbor entertaining guests, but how do we convey our desire that our privacy and property be respected as they enjoy their guests in a polite, civil manner? We realize we will be living with the neighbors longer than the party, so this may be our best opportunity to develop good relations for the present and future.

GENTLE READER: Then Miss Manners suggests that you not assume that your neighbors would give uncivil, disrespectful parties unless you instructed them otherwise. You should respond by wishing them a pleasant evening.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who lost her husband. I am sending her a thank-you note, and am not sure how to address her on the envelope.

GENTLE READER: Please reassure Miss Manners that you meant a letter of condolence, not a thank-you note. Otherwise, she would not like to hear the backstory.

A widow does not change her mode of address, and changing it for her is unpleasant, as well as wrong. If she was Mrs. Ethan Winkle before the death, she still is. If she was always Ms. Harriet Ruff-Winkle, she still is.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)