DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we get together with friends or neighbors for relatively informal dinners, I do not expect any help with post-dinner clearing of dishes or cleanup. I do appreciate when it is offered, but I turn it down. I have people over to enjoy their company, so I prefer to join them for conversation, and clean up after they leave.

However, when invited to others’ homes, there seems to be a silent expectation of helping the hosts clear the table, putting away leftovers, AND doing dishes/loading the dishwasher. I do always help clear the table and consolidate items at or in the sink.

But then there is sometimes body language or slamming of dishes into the dishwasher. This seems directed at me, the woman of the couple.

What is the correct etiquette? I always send thank-you notes for the hospitality of the meal and the hosts’ company. But the unspoken expectation of doing the cleanup, too, is confusing me and is kind of irking.

I understood guests to be visitors, not extra chore hands. If so, I have plenty of other chores I can assign my guests when they visit me. I can always use a bathroom scrubbing, for instance. Please educate me here.

GENTLE READER: Well, that escalated quickly -- from wanting to enjoy your guests to putting them on toilet duty.

Miss Manners sympathizes. She has found herself abandoned at dinner parties while all of the guests are in the kitchen doing the very things that you describe.

Offering to do so should not be expected, but it may be considerate at informal suppers, as long as a quorum is maintained at the table for conversation.

Your solution is to be the first to go home. That is actually a useful service to provide hosts, as people often tend to hang around after the parties’ expiration dates, especially when they are not moved from the dining room back into the living room.

But as these are friends and neighbors you see often, you could also gently remind them that you do all your own cleaning. When they offer to help you, Miss Manners suggests telling them, as you told her, that you much prefer sitting around with them. And you could add, “Besides, we all have our own ways of organizing things, and I wouldn’t want to interfere in someone else’s kitchen.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been invited to the wedding of a relative who has registered only with very expensive stores. We’re older working people on a tight budget.

I was already stressing because we won’t be able to attend. We can’t afford airfare, hotels and missing work. Now I’m worried about the gift. Is it incorrect to send a gift from a store that isn’t on the registry?

GENTLE READER: As much as bridal magazines and department stores insist otherwise, registries are not mandatory. Even more shocking: Presents are not, either, particularly when one does not attend the wedding. Miss Manners is happy to inform you, therefore, that you do not have to send a present at all. If you are feeling generous, however, a small token -- of your choosing -- will not be frowned upon. Or it will, but you may politely ignore that part.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine dropped a bag of her used clothing at my house while I was away at work. She did not ask first. I received a text message from her after she dropped it off, letting me know.

I was shocked. I had just decluttered my home and had never told her I liked those outfits. I told her they were not for me, and asked her if she wanted to pick them back up. She acted strange and offended. Shouldn’t she have asked first before just dropping her used clothes off at my house?

GENTLE READER: If your goal is to dispose of the clothing without also disposing of the friend, then the proper response is to thank her, but say you unfortunately cannot use the clothes. This will require you to then offer a choice of returning them or donating them, but Miss Manners does not set an absolute deadline for completing either.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper amount of time to RSVP to an invitation when there is not a due date, and the invitation was received eight weeks prior?

GENTLE READER: Are you concerned that if you respond promptly, so much time will have passed before the event that your host will forget?

Miss Manners does not discount this possibility, but neither does she accept it as an excuse for tardy replies. Timeliness cannot be reduced to a formula, but in the case you mention, a delay greater than two weeks will require a reasonable explanatory communication. “Reasonable” as in: “We are waiting to find out when Owen’s surgery will be scheduled,” not, “We’re hoping for a better offer.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If the best man in his friend’s wedding wants to throw a party in the couple’s honor, should he be able to invite people other than the wedding party and friends of the groom who are not invited to the wedding?

GENTLE READER: Not unless he has an excellent answer to why the person was not also invited to the wedding. There is little chance the question will not come up at the party, and, contrary to popular belief, one of the duties of a best man is not to embarrass the wedding couple. (Miss Manners could assert this more forcefully if she were willing to split an infinitive.)

As the best man is no doubt now revising the wording of his toast, Miss Manners will add that the excellent answer must be both polite and satisfactory to the guest -- not clever and rude.

That her requirements cannot, in all likelihood, be met, does not incline her to lessen them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where is it correct to use a toothpick after a meal out? How about after a meal in the home? Should it occur away from the table, in private, etc.? I have four daughters, and I would sure like to be correct in explaining.

GENTLE READER: It should indeed occur away from the table, in private, and “et cetera.” This is true for all meals, both those out and those served at home. And Miss Manners’ ruling applies to all four daughters, their parents and anyone who else wanders in range.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son-in-law showed up the other day with a T-shirt that said, “Suits suck.” This is a grown man. His wife wears a suit when required, as do other members of our family.

It’s really not a big deal, as this was just a casual get-together, but still seemed tasteless and maybe even slightly confrontational.

Should I be put off by this, and should I have said something? Where does it fit in the whole manners world?

GENTLE READER: Your son-in-law is not alone in being confused about the manners surrounding the posting of someone else’s words -- whether in the form of bumper stickers, T-shirt slogans, or things taped to office doors.

Miss Manners chooses to believe that your son-in-law did not intend to be rude -- in which case his defense must be that they were not his words, but those of the shirt manufacturer. His action in wearing the shirt was, he could claim, to share the joke.

As better-known people have discovered, no one, from the human resources department to the closest relative, believes this excuse, and with good reason. Etiquette sees no important difference between words printed on your chest and those coming out of your mouth -- a point worth making to your daughter, if not directly to your son-in-law.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in the process of being offered a position at a company where the team sometimes has lunch out together. It is my desire to attend, in order to socialize and be included. If I do not regularly go, I fear I would risk not being considered an equal member of the team.

But I have many food sensitivities, and therefore am unable to order meals at restaurants. I am happy to bring my own food, but that may be frowned upon by the restaurant. Perhaps at a fast-food establishment, it could be permissible.

Please advise how I might handle this situation. Ordering food at the restaurant and dealing with the physical consequences, including missing work as a result, is not a viable option.

GENTLE READER: Attending without eating -- or ordering something simple, such as a beverage or a plain salad -- to participate in the social aspect is perfectly acceptable. The difficulty is doing so without attracting unwanted attention from new co-workers who, like your boss, but without her leverage, will think of you as probational.

No matter how much provisional goodwill your co-workers bring to the table, it is safest to assume that the details of your food sensitivities will not fascinate them. (This is true even if they find their own food sensitivities exquisitely interesting.)

Find an opportunity before the meal -- but, Miss Manners hastens to add, after you get the job -- to tell a few key co-workers that you have some boring food allergies, but even though you won’t be eating, you are so looking forward to spending time with them. If you are fortunate, those few will spread the word, sparing you tiresome probing during the meal.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)