DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because some of our friends are moving to another state, we thought a small/medium-sized going-away gathering would be nice. We offered, and they accepted. We then offered for our friends to invite a few more people from their careers whom we don’t know.

We got a list of 18 additional people they would like to invite! We were expecting to host about 12 to 14 people, total. Their request adds significant effort and cost, as well as not fitting in the venue (our house).

How do we let them know this wasn’t our intention and ask them to scale back? We thought maybe they could contribute to the cost, but really, there isn’t space. Help!

GENTLE READER: There is no polite way to walk back your offer without taking partial blame for its misinterpretation. “Oh dear, I am afraid that I didn’t think it through, and that our party might be uncomfortable and overcrowded with so many people. Would it be possible to trim the list a bit? Maybe just good friends from work that you also see outside of it?”

If this is met with resistance, Miss Manners suggests that you pray for good weather -- or sturdy tents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a minister who performs many marriage ceremonies. Usually, the couples will invite me to a rehearsal dinner, either verbally or via other informal means, such as text or email. Most people around here aren’t particularly fancy, and an informal invitation to a casual dinner suits us just fine.

The problem is that they almost never mention if my wife is also invited. I don’t think it’s an intentional slight; rather, I think they are assuming that by inviting me, they are inviting my wife de facto. And when I show up to the rehearsal alone, I’m almost always asked by the bride, “Where’s Charlene? I was hoping she’d join us afterwards for dinner.”

My wife says she is not offended, and has no druthers on whether she attends or not, but she will not attend unless she is certain the invitation includes her. While I must attend the rehearsal, I would rather not attend the dinner afterwards if my wife isn’t with me.

Should we just assume that the invitation is meant for both of us? Or is there a tactful way to find out if my wife is invited?

GENTLE READER: Your wife is right to be hesitant. A rehearsal and a rehearsal dinner are two very different things: One is your work, and the other social. It would be odd for your wife to accompany you to work under the assumption that she might be asked to the party afterwards -- especially if she is not.

If these dinner invitations are impromptu, there is little you can do. If, however, they are issued in advance, but omit the explicit inclusion of your wife, you may add as you accept: “Charlene sends her best wishes to you both.” Miss Manners feels fairly certain that an extension of the invitation will follow.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been friends with Bri for over 25 years. We became especially close as she fought, and won, a battle with breast cancer.

She and her husband have enjoyed great financial success. I’m happy for them, but our friendship has begun to suffer, sparked by Bri’s flaunting her money.

I am newly retired and have a comfortable income, but am on a budget. Bri buys very expensive clothing and especially purses, spending thousands on just one. She shops constantly, a new item every time I see her. I would never spend $5,000 for a purse.

She makes snarky remarks about my being cheap. I ignore this, but then she embarrassed me in front of her daughter-in-law by offering me a job, smirking, saying that I had financial problems.

I was shocked, as I’d never said that, nor is it true! I responded that I wouldn’t have retired if I didn’t have the money to do so. I have a very comfortable retirement income, but that’s none of her business!

The time has come to end this relationship, so I’ve decided to pass on Bri’s future invitations to socialize. How do I proceed?

GENTLE READER: Politely decline the invitations without excuse. And then ignore the inevitable rumors she spreads about the reasons why.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are limited on the amount of guests we can invite to my daughter’s wedding, since the venue is tight. One friend responded “yes” to both the engagement party and bridal shower, but pulled a no-show to one and canceled last minute to the other.

I don’t feel obligated to include her at the wedding, but my daughter is worried since she has already received a save-the-date. Should she get an invite?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, Miss Manners has to agree with your daughter. A save-the-date is an obligation on the part of its sender to follow up with an invitation.

Responding in the affirmative is an obligation for the guest to attend, and as that part of the contract has been repeatedly violated, Miss Manners will permit you to amend yours.

After the invitation is sent, contact your friend, expressing extreme concern that two emergencies in close proximity must have been difficult on her and hope that her troubles will be over in time for you to see her at the wedding. If she does not confirm, you will convey regret to her and secretly rejoice in discreetly opening another spot for a presumably more grateful and reliable guest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the only girl in my family, with three brothers. My mom asked me if I would give her a retirement party next year.

I’m happy to do it, but financially, I cannot shoulder all the responsibilities on my own. I politely solicited assistance from my brothers, to no avail. Is it tacky to ask mom for financial assistance with her own party?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but it was equally unseemly for her to demand one. Tell your mother that you would love to host it in her home, but require her assistance in getting the menu just right. And, Miss Manners recommends, in nagging your brothers to help.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited another couple to join us at a popular, annual concert for which we had been given tickets. The invitation did not include dinner, because of other commitments we had already made. We were looking forward to enjoying their company while driving to and from the concert.

They, however, wanted us all to go to their favorite restaurant before the performance. When they finally agreed to accept our original invitation, they demonstrated their disappointment with long faces and strained conversation. They did acknowledge that they enjoyed the performance.

This is the first time we’ve ever had the terms and conditions of an invitation negotiated, and we still struggle to find a meaningful response. What should we have said or done? Would it have been bad manners to rescind the invitation and tell them that we looked forward to enjoying their company on another occasion that we all would find both convenient and satisfying? (It will be incredibly hard not to be snarky, but we will refrain. We promise.)

GENTLE READER: It will come as no surprise to her Gentle Readers that Miss Manners is in favor of clear invitations, and against guests negotiating the terms thereof. The host is required to provide a time and place, as well as any pertinent details (e.g., the inclusion of the guest’s ex-husband). The guest is usually barred from adding more mouths to feed or ears to listen.

But understanding on both sides is necessary when the terms are unusual -- as this one was. Evening events generally involve dinner and do not specify transportation.

The proper sequence should therefore have been:

Guest: “That sounds wonderful. I’m so sorry you’re not available for dinner; we’d love to catch up. Should we just meet at the concert?”

Host: “It is too bad about dinner; Sean has a company obligation that we couldn’t get out of. But we were hoping you would join us for the drive so that we would have more time together.”

Guest, option 1: “Terrific. We’d love to.”

Guest, option 2: “Unfortunately, that’s going to make the timing tight for us. Would you mind if we just met you at the concert, and we can do dinner another time?”

Host: “That would be lovely.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why is it considered rude to wash your hands at a kitchen sink? The dish soap is available, the water is available, so what’s the problem?

GENTLE READER: Why do some questions sound rude when the same request, phrased differently, does not?

Context.

Washing up at the sink when you are the cook is not rude, nor would doing so be considered impolite for another resident of the house at a casual meal.

The ban on public grooming exists because some people are more squeamish than others. True, witnessing another person washing her hands versus clipping her toenails elicits different responses in most people, but etiquette prefers to err on the side of consideration -- and of keeping the peace. It is the same reason that Miss Manners presumes your question to be open and well-intentioned, barring a follow-up that “people should just get over it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)