DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited another couple to join us at a popular, annual concert for which we had been given tickets. The invitation did not include dinner, because of other commitments we had already made. We were looking forward to enjoying their company while driving to and from the concert.

They, however, wanted us all to go to their favorite restaurant before the performance. When they finally agreed to accept our original invitation, they demonstrated their disappointment with long faces and strained conversation. They did acknowledge that they enjoyed the performance.

This is the first time we’ve ever had the terms and conditions of an invitation negotiated, and we still struggle to find a meaningful response. What should we have said or done? Would it have been bad manners to rescind the invitation and tell them that we looked forward to enjoying their company on another occasion that we all would find both convenient and satisfying? (It will be incredibly hard not to be snarky, but we will refrain. We promise.)

GENTLE READER: It will come as no surprise to her Gentle Readers that Miss Manners is in favor of clear invitations, and against guests negotiating the terms thereof. The host is required to provide a time and place, as well as any pertinent details (e.g., the inclusion of the guest’s ex-husband). The guest is usually barred from adding more mouths to feed or ears to listen.

But understanding on both sides is necessary when the terms are unusual -- as this one was. Evening events generally involve dinner and do not specify transportation.

The proper sequence should therefore have been:

Guest: “That sounds wonderful. I’m so sorry you’re not available for dinner; we’d love to catch up. Should we just meet at the concert?”

Host: “It is too bad about dinner; Sean has a company obligation that we couldn’t get out of. But we were hoping you would join us for the drive so that we would have more time together.”

Guest, option 1: “Terrific. We’d love to.”

Guest, option 2: “Unfortunately, that’s going to make the timing tight for us. Would you mind if we just met you at the concert, and we can do dinner another time?”

Host: “That would be lovely.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why is it considered rude to wash your hands at a kitchen sink? The dish soap is available, the water is available, so what’s the problem?

GENTLE READER: Why do some questions sound rude when the same request, phrased differently, does not?

Context.

Washing up at the sink when you are the cook is not rude, nor would doing so be considered impolite for another resident of the house at a casual meal.

The ban on public grooming exists because some people are more squeamish than others. True, witnessing another person washing her hands versus clipping her toenails elicits different responses in most people, but etiquette prefers to err on the side of consideration -- and of keeping the peace. It is the same reason that Miss Manners presumes your question to be open and well-intentioned, barring a follow-up that “people should just get over it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I like unusual, hard-to-find wines. Frequently, dinner events have wine as part of the dinner, but you can also buy more interesting wines from the hotel or restaurant. Often the hotel gives you your bottle during the cocktail hour.

At the event, people we don’t know hold out a glass and say, “I’ll have a glass of that.”

I explain that we bought it separately to have with dinner, and usually that takes care of it. Or we tell them that waiters are passing wines, but they say, “Yes, but not THAT.”

My husband finally told one pushy woman that the bottle was $140, and he’d sell it to her for that. She yelled, “I just want a GLASS!”

We’ve gone to informal BYOB dinners with two bottles, knowing that we’ll do well to keep one bottle for ourselves. How do we best deal with Malbec moochers without appearing antisocial?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners does not condone the behavior of the person demanding a glass of whatever you were drinking, sharing is still central to social intercourse. The solution to your problem is to separate your two, incompatible activities: Go out on even-numbered days, and enjoy your unusual wines at home on odd days.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to give advice to someone who did not ask for advice? Under what circumstances is unsolicited advice polite?

GENTLE READER: Unsolicited advice may be given discreetly if it will save the recipient from imminent embarrassment.

Miss Manners used to cite the example of one lady taking another lady aside to warn her that her underwear is showing, but she realizes this may no longer meet her stated precondition.

Beyond this, etiquette limits the privilege of giving unsolicited advice to teachers, mentors and parents -- and only when acting in that capacity. Be warned that etiquette having no objection to such proffers does not guarantee a welcoming reaction from the recipient.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I really feel bad when I am in front of an elderly or handicapped person on an elevator and I step out of ahead of him or her. However, it is awkward and creates major traffic problems if I step back into the crowd. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Move to a clear location -- i.e., leave the elevator -- and, once you are clear of traffic, turn around to assist by holding the elevator door.

It is no use protesting to Miss Manners that this is unnecessary, as elevator doors remain open so long as there is someone in the entrance. The action is intended to demonstrate your concern and good manners, not your efficacy as a doorstop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When sorbet is served between courses, how much are you to eat? I say a few bites, my husband says ALL OF IT!

GENTLE READER: Because sorbet served between courses is considered a palate cleanser, portions are meant to be small.

But if your host mistakes the sorbet for a down payment on dessert, Miss Manners recommends leaving some on your plate. This is less a requirement of etiquette than a way to survive the meal.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I stepped out of line with a very dear friend. I honestly believe she didn’t see my rudeness because of her highly forgiving nature, but it’s been bugging me to no end and I feel I should apologize.

We see each other at church each Sunday, often text, and sometimes call, but almost never have time for one-on-one meetings. My question: To extend my apology, should I call, send a text or write a handwritten note (which I like the sound of, but seems quite formal)?

Or should I try to see her alone during the week to apologize face-to-face, which would be tricky to orchestrate? Or is there an option I have not considered?

GENTLE READER: People have a funny idea nowadays about formality. The thought seems to be that “casual” means virtuous, and “formal” means standoffish, if not snobbish and heartless.

Actually, formality connotes seriousness. That is why formal clothes are worn at weddings. (Well, Miss Manners knows that it’s really because it is most couples’ only chance at a splashy occasion, but the idea remains.)

If you want to show that your feelings are serious, write a letter. A verbal apology is likely to be interrupted by her brushing aside the necessity for it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At wedding banquets, I like to leave early. Do I go to the host and hostess and say goodbye, or leave quietly without disturbing them?

GENTLE READER: There is a rule against leaving wedding festivities before the departure of the bride and bridegroom. But Miss Manners doesn’t feel like insisting upon it, now that newlyweds are no longer eager to be alone.

A similar rule decrees that guests at a White House party may not leave until the president has withdrawn. Miss Manners remembers seeing this overruled, many administrations ago, when there was a president who loved to dance all night. An elderly Supreme Court justice was standing near the door watching, and he finally said to his wife, “All right, I’ve had enough,” took her arm, put on his hat, and left.

The revised rule for weddings is: You can leave after midnight, if you do so discreetly and offer quiet apologies and compliments to the parental hosts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Must those of us whose skin tends to crepe and sag wear long pants and long sleeves in the sweltering summer? Up to now, I’ve been taking time to cover up when I have to run an errand, but must I? I’d love to run up to the store in a pair of knee-length shorts and a sleeveless top. What wisdom do you have for sweltering seniors?

GENTLE READER: A short lesson in what you owe society:

You do not owe the public a taut young body. Miss Manners is saddened that you believe that you must hide any signs of aging, as if there were something wrong with that. If you go to a beach, do you feel that you have to wear a tent?

But you do owe society respect for its contexts. So the answer to your question depends upon where your errands take you. To the grocery store -- sure. To pay a condolence call -- certainly not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)