DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a quadriplegic. He is paralyzed from the neck down. When dining, I am feeding both him and myself. This means that I cannot reach his water glass in the upper-right corner of his place setting, so I set it near mine. And he needs to drink through a straw. It’s difficult to balance food on the fork while feeding him, so sometimes, depending on the meal, I will use a spoon so as to avoid spilling. I also put a napkin on his lap, as well as one on his chest.

As much as we would like to maintain etiquette, our situation is far from ideal. Considering the circumstances, are our current habits acceptable? And are there any other suggestions you can offer so that our unique situation is as appropriate as possible?

GENTLE READER: Your phasing (“As much as we would like to maintain etiquette”) reflects a misapprehension that moving your husband’s water glass, under the circumstances you describe, is a violation of etiquette. It is emphatically not, a point on which Miss Manners feels strongly and hopes will comfort you.

Since at least the delivery of the Ten Commandments, there has been a common -- and mistaken -- belief that law, and by extension etiquette, is no more than a list of “shalts” and “shalt nots” that can be followed robotically to a heavenly reward. As both biblical scholars and lawyers can tell you, this is not true of the law, and it is certainly not true of etiquette. (Miss Manners now finds herself, irrelevantly and irreverently, wondering if, having completed lunch together, a biblical scholar and a lawyer would be able to share a cab to their final destination.) Reasonable accommodation for your husband’s condition -- giving due regard to both him and the other guests -- is not only the right thing to do; it is also the mannerly thing to do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A family member has started declining invitations by saying “No, thank you.” Sometimes a reason is given -- “We’ll be out of town,” “We’re busy that week,” etc. -- but then the response continues by saying, “We’re going to pass.”

I have a negative reaction to the phrase that the recipient is “passing” on the invitation, but cannot articulate why. Is that an acceptable way to respond to an invitation?

GENTLE READER: Your objection to “passing” on an invitation is its informality, which implies that turning down your invitation was, to use another colloquial expression, “no big deal.” It is. With very few exceptions, one can decline an invitation, but one should never denigrate it.

However, Miss Manners finds it interesting that this was not your family member’s first response, but his third, after “No, thank you” and “We’ll be (washing our hair).” She hopes that the multiple rejections, with their increasing air of desperation, were not necessitated by your own refusal to take a proper “No, thank you; I’m sorry, I can’t” for an answer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to applaud or give standing ovations in a movie theater when watching a live simulcast of an opera performance? Several companies hold these simulcasts.

I ask because, as I understand it, such forms of praise and congratulations are typically given to live performers onstage and in the orchestra pit, and it is obvious that these performers neither hear nor see the audience in a movie theater -- however enthusiastic and moved this audience may be.

On the other hand, it seems to be perfectly acceptable to applaud after seeing a film that is particularly well received, knowing fully well that neither the cast nor crew is present.

GENTLE READER: One does not applaud either, for the exact reason you mention. Miss Manners asks the audiences at televised awards ceremonies to take particular note of her answer, which, in their case, is further buttressed by the dictum against applauding oneself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am on my third marriage. My first marriage ended in divorce, after 12 years and three children. I obviously refer to this man as my ex (or my children’s father) when he or my first marriage comes up in conversation.

My second marriage lasted five years and was amazing. He was a terrific husband in pretty much every way, and a wonderful human being. I lost him unexpectedly -- too young, only 38 -- and was devastated, and not sure I’d ever want to do marriage again. But early this year, I remarried another terrific man and husband.

How is it appropriate to refer to my second, deceased husband? He was never an “ex.” However, referring to him as my “late husband” to someone who didn’t know us during that time seems confusing, since I am now married again.

Do I just call him my “second husband”? That makes me sound like a serial bride! He comes up in conversation because he was a huge part of our lives and had a major impact on not only me, but my children and even my parents.

My current husband will even bring him up occasionally, since they were also friends, so conversations can be awkward with people who are just getting to know us. What would be the correct etiquette for a man who deserves honoring?

GENTLE READER: The exceptions to common rules of etiquette are often as interesting as the reasons behind the rules themselves. The rule, in your case, is not making fellow conversationalists feel left out by referencing an experience -- or in this case, a person -- with which (or whom) they are not familiar.

Miss Manners imagines your mentioning, “As my late husband used to say ...” as a way of avoiding this mistake and yet being able to repeat his aphorism. In your case, it is preferable to use his name (“Well, Ernest used to say ...”). Miss Manners feels that the use of his name honors his memory, and the momentary confusion caused provides an opportunity to explain briefly who and what he was. As his memory remains important to you and your current husband, this is something you will need to do with people you are getting to know.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a middle school teacher, and often when I meet with parents for the first time, they will remark “You look so young,” or “You look like you could be one of the students!”

I understand they don’t mean any offense, but I am in my early 30s and do my best to wear professional clothes and makeup. My co-workers tell me I should take it as a compliment, but lately I’ve been feeling a little insulted, especially when they compare me to a middle-schooler.

I normally tell them “thank you,” but I don’t feel like my response is genuine or appropriate. How should I respond in the future?

GENTLE READER: “I can assure you that your child is fully aware that I am a grown-up, and that I am in charge here.” Miss Manners just asks you to say it with a smile.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two acquaintances who each have Ph.D. degrees from Harvard. They insist upon being addressed as “Dr.” Smith and “Dr.” Jones.

I have a Ph.D. from another school. It has always been my opinion that this is not a social title, and should only be used in professional contexts. I believe that only M.D.s should be addressed and identified as “doctor” in social settings. People may need to know that they are medical doctors. What is your knowledge of this?

GENTLE READER: A bit of knowledge that your acquaintances failed to pick up at Harvard: awareness of the reverse snobbery practiced there, and at other schools, where doctorate degrees are assumed, and therefore not broadcast. In certain professional situations, it is necessary to state that as a qualification, but the fastidious do not use it otherwise.

Miss Manners is well aware that your opinion and hers will bring on indignant responses along the lines of “I earned my Ph.D. and I’m proud of it.” She is also aware that the concept of not flashing all one’s achievements as widely as possible will baffle many people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I go to a coffee shop and sit with some older ladies. I am 15 years younger. Having been a widow for three years, I have luckily now become engaged to a wonderful man.

One older lady always wants to look at the obituaries and talk about her husband, who died a year ago. When an elderly man who was widowed four years ago asked her out, she was insulted. The other older woman also talks about her dead husband. Unlike them, I am very busy. I take yoga and art classes, and do belly dancing.

I have decided to sit with another friend and my fiance at another table. Sometimes, one of the ladies tells me I am insulting her by not sitting with them.

What is a kind way to tell them that I want to sit with my fiance at another table?

GENTLE READER: Why are you making this obvious by going to the same coffee shop at the same time? You are not obliged to sit with them, but this does strike Miss Manners as provocative.

If you must, you and your fiance should exchange courtesies with them before saying, “Excuse us, we have things we must talk about.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)