GENTLE READERS: As Miss Manners recalls, there were two purposes to the 19th-century Grand Tour. Privileged youths were sent abroad by their indulgent parents to acquire culture and to enjoy what was not yet called a “gap year” before settling down to serious business and family-sanctioned marriage.

Hence the bad reputation of tourists for grabbing cultural artifacts and indulging in nonsanctioned encounters. But the idea was that no one they cared about would know, as all that happened in the faraway places where they had misbehaved. The disgust of foreigners was not thought to affect the reputations of those who would not have gotten away with these antics at home.

We know from the internet how empowered people feel to be obnoxious when they think they are anonymous. But for tourists, those etiquette-free times abroad are becoming risky. Destination countries are fighting back with laws, and their citizens are fighting back with video cameras. If you are arrested and fined a good chunk of your travel budget, or your boorish behavior is posted online, it is not safe to assume that no one back home will know.

Truthfully, Miss Manners hates tourist-bashing. (Full disclosure: She travels; therefore she is a tourist.) And she deplores the silly snobbery by which some tourists carry on about how they hate tourists, and only go to places “where none of the tourists go.” Never mind that this would no longer be true once they set foot there.

Over the years, she has defended tourists from petty insults. So what if they used to wear drip-dry clothing? They had no access to irons. Anyway, the locals are now wearing the same current American look of jeans and sweatshirts.

Good for the tourists who try out the languages they studied in high school, and if their accents aren’t exact, well, neither are those of the foreigners who scornfully answer them in English.

Yes, tourists often travel in groups, but that is a way of dealing with logistics that may be difficult for novices or others. And if they go to many places for quick visits, perhaps they are sampling in order to find a place they will later explore more deeply.

But Miss Manners condemns outright rudeness wherever it occurs, and there are striking examples of it among the 21st-century Grand Tourists:

Wearing beachwear in cities. Attempting daredevil stunts in historic sites. Making excessive noise. Blocking people and otherwise making nuisances of themselves to take selfies. Littering. Urinating in public. Copulating in public.

Stop it -- if not because all this is despicable, at least do so to protect yourselves from local reprisals. And also because Miss Manners knows that people who believe that it is all right to behave badly anywhere will soon come to believe that it is all right to behave badly everywhere.

So when foreigners ask, “Why can’t they act the way they would behave in their own hometowns?,” she worries.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can I give my grandson’s girlfriend something for her hope chest?

GENTLE READER: Not unless you know for certain what your grandson’s hopes are.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Somewhere in the midst of my extended education, I have significant knowledge gaps -- gaps that no one else seems to have.

I am American and live here now, but grew up and was educated abroad. I also have an ardent love of history and all things of the past, which is the focus of much of my time and energy. These two factors leave me susceptible to not understanding what people are talking about in common conversation.

This happens often. Sometimes I admit to not knowing what or who is being discussed, and am half-jokingly dismissed/excused: “Oh, she’s just from XYZ.” Other times I keep silent.

Is there a way to ask someone to clarify or add context that will allow me to know who or what is being discussed while saving face? Would I be rude for asking and interrupting the flow of conversation, or is the speaker rude for assuming knowledge on the part of listeners?

GENTLE READER: In this era of 24-hour entertainment, it seems highly unlikely to Miss Manners that any one person could possibly recognize every reference made in casual conversation.

If you find yourself lost, you may interject for clarification without shame -- and even make your own references as counterpoints. That is how conversation works. And while comparing the latest viral video to the imagery of Baudelaire will probably not make you friends, it will certainly make your point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two years ago, a high school classmate who had done extremely well in the business world invited me to her 65th birthday celebration, held at her farm. Because I live many states away, she invited me, as well as one of my other classmates who was coming in from out-of-state, to stay with her.

This birthday was a big bash: catered, with well over a hundred friends and business associates attending, most of them staying in nearby hotels.

I spent a considerable amount of money on airfare, car rental and an expensive birthday gift to attend this event. I sent the gift ahead of my travels via express mail. I did get a text from the birthday person, thanking me and saying she loved the gift.

Should I have sent her a written thank-you for staying with her, even though it was her birthday party? And should I have expected a written thank-you from her, even though I did get one via text message? What is proper in this day and age?

GENTLE READER: Thank-you letters are never remiss. An even exchange may seem redundant, but Miss Manners assures you that the reasons for sending them in this case are entirely different, even if the overarching theme may be the same.

So yes, your friend should have sent you a proper letter to thank you for the present. And you should have sent one to thank her for inviting you to stay. That the occasion for both was to celebrate her is largely inconsequential.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever a birthday or holiday nears, my mother’s relatives will often call my mother to ask what to buy for my son, who is currently 6 years old. I have learned that when they do this, my mother will apparently come up with a specific list of gifts that she wants my son to have, and will tell each relative which gift they are required to purchase.

I am not sure how strongly she words this in her conversations, but I have at least determined that most relatives have bought what she told them to and have indicated that they felt obligated to do so.

One year, a relative came to me rather distraught and told me, apologetically, that she was not able to find the item my mother had told her to buy. She said she hoped it was all right that she had purchased something else.

I do not know why my mother has done this, but it in no way comes from me, and I think it is quite rude. How would Miss Manners suggest that I handle this situation in the future? I’d like to proactively address it before any more birthdays or holidays roll around.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, you will have to take this up with your mother -- which is a shame, because your other relatives seem to be excellent at taking direction. And Miss Manners is hazarding a guess that your mother is not.

“It is so kind of you to suggest presents for Billingsford, but I am a bit embarrassed that our relatives seem to think these things are required. We love everything that you get him, but perhaps we can confine those special things to the immediate family and leave the other relatives to their own devices. I wouldn’t want to wear them down with demands.”

When she persists in doing this, you might tell the relatives to regard her choices only as general suggestions -- or to stop asking her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a very good longtime friend has “ghosted” you for several years, is it appropriate to attend her funeral?

She hasn’t been returning my emails or phone calls for a long time. I haven’t done anything to cause this, to my knowledge, but she obviously no longer likes me. When meeting in public, she is courteous, but not really friendly.

Now I’ve learned that she’s terminally ill, and I’m in a dilemma as to whether I should attend her funeral. I don’t want people to say, “What’s she doing here?” but, after all, we were best friends for 10 years, so it seems respectful to attend.

GENTLE READER: “Ghosting” is probably not the best choice of words under the circumstances.

Rather than morbidly contemplate whether or not your presence would be expected after she dies, would it not be a better idea to try, at least, to ask your friend directly, while she is still living, why the friendship has deteriorated?

It seems to Miss Manners that time is of the essence here. Once your friend is dead, it is unlikely that she will care one way or the other, although you might regret not saying a proper goodbye while you still had the chance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)