DEAR MISS MANNERS: I own a small company and have one employee. Sean does a fantastic job at the office, but dresses rather casually. I am OK with this, as it is just him and me in the office, and I want everyone to be comfortable.

We are now doing new client presentations, and I need Sean’s expertise at these. I’ve asked him to dress in “business casual” attire for these events. However, he arrives on the day of the presentation with scuffed shoes and pants/shirt that are mismatched and below what I would consider business casual.

I know the clients will see this as unprofessional, and it may impact our ability to win new work. I suspect he may not have the background or knowledge to know how to dress properly for these situations.

I don’t want to be rude or overstep my bounds within the workplace, but how much can I direct his wardrobe? If he doesn’t own the proper attire, is it unreasonable to ask him to purchase it?

GENTLE READER: He likely thinks he already complied. “Business casual” is an oxymoron, vague and undefinable, so Miss Manners hardly blames its hapless followers for interpreting it as they wish.

It is not unreasonable for you, as his employer, to require a certain dress code, but you must be specific. “These clients are a bit more formal, so business attire -- a button-down shirt, dress shoes and pants that are not jeans or overly pocketed -- is probably warranted. I know that we are generally more casual in the office when it is just us, but we want to make a good impression in order to help win the account.”

While you do not have to offer any other assistance with this, making sure that his salary is commensurate with the ability to purchase new clothes would not be remiss. Nor would the recommendation of a good shoe polish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The committee planning a work event invited a guest speaker, who responded, “I will let you know.” Another member of the committee asked another speaker, who agreed enthusiastically. How do I tell the first speaker we no longer need them to speak at the event?

GENTLE READER: How long did you take before you changed course?

Miss Manners understands that a definitive reply is more appealing and convenient than a vague one. However, having not been told otherwise, the first person might have thought that the offer was still open.

The proper response to the noncommittal one would have been, “We will need to confirm within the week.” Or even, “When will you be able to let us know?”

Miss Manners cannot tell from your letter if the committee was miffed at the lack of enthusiasm and looked for a more sure option, or if a genuine mistake was made when another member asked. Either way, she recommends that you plead the latter: “I am afraid that there was a miscommunication, and not knowing for sure if you were available, another committee member asked a speaker who was more able to commit. We hope that you will be available next time.”

The likely subtext, “Next time, you should answer quickly and be more flattered that we asked” will likely be understood.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone has put up signs in all of our (unisex) bathrooms at work, imploring men to put down the toilet seat when they leave. As I was leaving a bathroom, a woman even stopped me in the hall to say, with annoyance, “You didn’t put down the seat.”

I am perplexed by this demand. When I come into a bathroom, I look to see if the seat is down and, if it is, put it up. When a woman comes in, shouldn’t she likewise look to see if it’s up and, if it is, put it down? Isn’t this demand a one-way street of the sort that etiquette eschews? (By its logic, I could equally demand that when a woman puts the seat down, she should subsequently put it back up. Which I wouldn’t.) What say you?

GENTLE READER: It is a social construct generally accepted that a toilet in its neutral and ready state has its seat down. The fact that this configuration favors one gender over the other is less important, Miss Manners believes, than that it is more conducive to keeping its passengers from falling in.

Your argument that this is a form of sexism is not likely to go over well, Miss Manners warns you. She does agree that your colleague should not have chastised you, but then again, having resorted to posting signs that you are defiantly ignoring, she seemingly had no choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is the first birthday in 10 years my ex and I will not be together. Should I send a birthday card?

GENTLE READER: Only if the benefits of doing so outweigh the negatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should a new mother respond to overly excited visitors who do not ask permission to hold the baby, and are not careful when doing so? I have just welcomed my third little one, and still have not quite figured this out.

I have certain in-laws that I know will immediately grab the baby and hold him up high in the air, then pass him off to their children, who will fight over who gets to hold him. It has even developed into a tug of war in the past, when my other two were babies, and I was always extremely nervous that they would be dropped.

I could rely on my daughter to start screaming after a few minutes, and then I could rescue her with a made-up excuse, “Oh, she must be hungry!” My son was a sturdy, easygoing baby, and he (and I) put up with it better.

This new babe is extremely small and fragile after a hard labor. I am getting very nervous about the visit. How can I politely head off the baby-grabbing?

GENTLE READER: “I am afraid that this one is a bit delicate and can get fussy, so I am going to hold on to her for now. When she’s bigger and sturdier, I will happily pass her around for gentle hugs and kisses.” The subtle threat of these visitors’ wayward grabs inducing crying and tantrums will likely deter them. If not, they will have been properly forewarned of the consequences.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

MISS MANNERS: We were phoned and asked to a friend’s 70th birthday party, with details to follow. I had the date on my calendar, but didn’t receive a confirming email. So I called a friend to check the date, and she said, “Didn’t you get the email? I will send it to you,” which she did. It included a very nice invite with a dinner menu hosted by a chef.

Well! I have since received another email from the host with an invitation for another evening, which is nothing like the first one. Apparently we were not supposed to be invited to the chef-hosted evening.

I declined the second invitation, and let the host know I was confused. He has since called me twice, asking us to please come to the first dinner, saying he will make it work. We are now feeling very awkward, as we were never to be invited to the first party. My husband doesn’t want to go at all now. What is one to do?

GENTLE READER: Like your on-again, off-again host, Miss Manners senses your understandable annoyance.

Having once invited you, your host should have “made it work” when he counted the chairs and came up short -- rather than waiting for you to query him. He then compounded his mistake by telling you how difficult it was to include you in the first event. (He thought he was demonstrating the lengths he would go to make amends. You and Miss Manners heard that he would prefer you not attend.)

What to do? Your husband is correct that you should not attend an event at which you are not welcome. But your host has demonstrated remorse. Assuming you wish to continue the friendship, it is time to forgive his clumsiness -- and perhaps to say that you would really rather attend the second event.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does a gracious host deal with invited guests who arrive in really sweaty clothes (which you know, because you greeted them with a hug), arrive in excessively wet or dirty shoes, say they have bladder control problems, or are at least 400 pounds overweight?

All of these things have happened to me more than once, with different guests. These issues have led to stains on furniture or carpets that cannot be cleaned.

Must we smile as they take a seat wherever they choose, or do you have suggestions for handling these issues so we don’t have to replace the furniture every few years?

GENTLE READER: You may have missed the belated recognition by society that obesity, and the problems associated with it, should not be treated, as was too often done in the past, as a moral failing.

But Miss Manners does condemn extremism in any form, and that includes guests who do not make reasonable efforts to mitigate the impact of their conditions on their host -- or, in the case of the sweaty guests, their host’s upholstery. For the overweight guest, this means not sitting on the antique wooden chair with spindly legs; for the host, this means having suitable alternatives and, if necessary, suggesting that your guest might be more comfortable sitting here than on “that old thing.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)