DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a relative by marriage who seems to feel that her family is superior to ours, which is her prerogative.

However, over the years we have discerned that she seems to lack a filter in expressing arrogant and insulting opinions and thoughts. Whatever enters her stream of consciousness seems to come out of her mouth.

I can generally ignore this, except when she insults members of my immediate family such as my mother or brother. I say nothing, but then deeply regret not defending them afterwards. At our last family luncheon, she made a comment about me, TO me, that was so offensive it was actually quite amusing. She was not perceptive enough to grasp this. (This woman has a master’s degree, so she does not lack intelligence.)

Should I continue to ignore her slights, or should I gently respond, without reflecting anger or annoyance? I’ve read that confronting bullies can encourage them to back away.

GENTLE READER: So does laughing at them, although Miss Manners recognizes that this can backfire. If it happens again, you could follow up by saying, “Oh, I am so sorry. You were serious. I have never been addressed that way before and did not know how to respond.”

If she is insulting your family members, however, you are well within your rights to defend them. “I am afraid that we do not speak to each other that way in this family,” said in a calm and friendly tone, should accomplish the desired effect -- while also reinforcing that she is not, in fact, an original member of your family and had better mend ways if she would like to act like one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we celebrated our daughter’s becoming bat mitzvah seven months ago, she received many checks as gifts. Most of them were given at the celebratory brunch; however, some arrived in the mail in the days before and after the event.

The envelopes with the checks were kept together until thank-you notes were written, or so I thought. Soon after the event, my daughter left for summer camp.

A few days ago, she was looking through a box that contained some jewelry she received as gifts. She discovered three checks still in envelopes she apparently had not opened!

Do we contact the people, tell them what happened, and ask if we can deposit the checks? My gut tells me that after this much time, we should be happy they attended the affair and not cash the checks.

GENTLE READER: Which will leave your guests wondering what happened -- and having trouble balancing their checking accounts.

Have your daughter send the thank-you letters now, apologizing profusely for their tardiness and stating that you hope it would still be all right, and that it is not too late, to deposit them. Miss Manners assures you that your guests would rather know that the checks were accounted for -- no matter how late -- than forever wonder if they fell into the wrong hands.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we moved across the country, we invited a couple we knew on the West Coast to visit us as guests in our new East Coast home. They accepted our invitation then, but later asked if they could bring along their friend “Lucy” as well.

Lucy, who was selfless during their child’s illness, is very close to them, although we’ve never met her. I was preparing to reply with, ”Although we look forward to meeting Lucy, we are not able to accommodate three houseguests at this time.”

But before I could reply, the invited couple emailed their understanding that perhaps three houseguests would overwhelm us and offered to book a hotel for all three.

Our intention was to spend personal time with our old friends, and including Lucy seems like an intrusion. Even if they stay at a hotel, we would be obligated to invite Lucy along to all of our dinners and planned outings. And ferrying three guests back and forth from their hotel doesn’t diminish, but rather adds to, our hosting efforts. Asking them not to visit with their close friend, at this point, seems selfish and insensitive. Should we simply accept Lucy as the cost of seeing our dear friends? How could we have avoided this misunderstanding?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, since your friend rescinded the request for all of you to stay together, she has not committed an actual crime of etiquette. Just one of divided loyalties.

Miss Manners is afraid that if you want to see your original friends, you are stuck with Lucy. Your only recourse is to show polite remorse for this situation by saying, “We were so looking forward to catching up with you, but of course we understand. Please let us know if it will be too much to see us and also entertain Lucy.”

This has the added benefit of alerting them that you no longer expect to clear your schedule and be on call. And if it does not work, you can always try forming a fast friendship with Lucy. She has been advertised as selfless, after all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my workplace, I am frequently asked questions about my appearance, beauty treatments, weight loss or gain, whether my clothes are new or not, and how much I paid for something. I am tiring of this.

Unfortunately, my boundaries have not been good in the past, but I have to change this. How should I respond in a graceful manner to such nosy questions?

GENTLE READER: “So kind of you to ask about the price of my shoulder implants, but I don’t wish to distract you from your work. We should probably stick to discussing business in the workplace.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should the ex-wife attend her former father-in-law’s private funeral service if her ex-husband has expressly asked her not to attend?

GENTLE READER: Why would she want to? Never mind. If she was asked not to attend, she should acquiesce, rather than make a public spectacle in front of a family that is no longer her own.

A condolence letter to the widow or otherwise closest relative (but not the son!) can be sent if the intent is truly to express sympathy. But not, Miss Manners warns, to take the opportunity to air one’s own personal grievances.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend of many years and I have seen less of each other of late, ever since I moved 75 miles away. We have managed, until recently, to retain our close ties by driving to each other’s homes for a day or two.

However, there was a recent kerfuffle, which arose when friends drove her to my town to celebrate her birthday (which also happens to be mine, no matter). I had asked her if she could possibly have them stop at my home just long enough for me to hand her a birthday present, which she thought would be fine. (The road for their way out of town is literally 1 1/2 blocks from my house.)

However, she called to say the gal who drove said “no” to my request. It put a serious wedge between us for a few weeks, but things settled down eventually. I just invited her up per our regular visits, but, apparently in response to the previous goings-on, she said she would “pencil me in” so I shouldn’t count on it.

What should my response have been? (The old story of Susie Q accepting Joe’s invitation to the dance, but dumping him when the football star asks her, comes to mind.) Do I mention a deadline by which I need to know? Or do I cancel the invitation, with the expectation of rescheduling it some other time when she can commit with no caveats (short of someone’s trip to the emergency room)?

GENTLE READER: There are only two proper answers to an invitation, and “Sure, if I don’t get a better offer” is not one of them.

In the situation you describe, asking for a decision -- or offering an alternate date -- are both defensible responses. But why, Miss Manners wonders, has it come to this? Your friend -- and perhaps you, as well -- appears to be using manners to disguise, badly, your unhappiness with the resolution of the previous trip. This is not only confusing, it is ineffective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my younger sisters is getting married. Despite many offers of financial help from various sources, she seems determined to economize in uneven and unfortunate ways.

Most importantly (to me), she has decided to request a “cake bar” from her friends. This is apparently asking friends to bring all kinds of cake to serve at the reception instead of providing wedding cake to serve.

My husband and I think this is incredibly tacky, cheap and even unappetizing, depending on the talent of the various friends. Is there any way you might assist me in persuading her to have a proper cake without her friends’ charity being the source?

GENTLE READER: How are your own baking skills? Even someone as close as a sister has a limited ability to affect such choices. You can offer to provide the cake yourself -- either from your oven or your pocketbook -- but unless your sister accepts, Miss Manners can provide no other ways for you to have your cake and eat it too.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)