DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to begin a conversation with "I don't want to start a fight, but ..." and then say something rude, challenging or confrontational? Another version I've heard is "Don't get mad, but ..." just before a person says something rude.

While this declaration is fine on certain occasions (such as when a trusted friend is telling me a hard truth from a place of love), I do find it hard to deal with on others. It seems to me that it is a way to shift blame from the person saying something rude to the person who hears an insult and then feels the need to respond by dispelling or challenging whatever was said.

P.S. The person who says this most often is my ex-husband. "Don't get mad, but I no longer care about your feelings." I suppose a candid "Me too" might've been a better reaction than trying to justify why we should get along for the sake of our shared child.

GENTLE READER: Oh. Miss Manners was about to handle this as the nasty habit some people have of trying to head off the consequences of insulting others by classifying them as helpful. But that was before she read your postscript.

Of course it is rude. Not caring about the feelings of others is practically the definition of rudeness, and saying so takes it up another notch. Your ex-husband was trying to be rude. You don't need Miss Manners to tell you that. She only hopes that for the sake of your child, you do not descend to his level.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: May I call my doctors, including dentists, by their first names? I have been their patient for almost 20 years.

GENTLE READER: And therefore you feel you are on the same terms with them as others with whom you take off your clothes or welcome into your mouth?

Miss Manners does not recommend dispensing with the formality of professional relationships, which makes that useful distinction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a disturbing trend that my husband and I have experienced from weekend guests. These are friends who previously have said that we have the best bed-and-breakfast in California.

When they woke up, the wife greeted us with, "You need another blanket on the bed." I asked if they had used the room heater or the comforter; they didn't use the heater and said the comforter was too heavy. I felt that this was akin to how one might respond to a rental.

She also complained about the food, making our dinner very uncomfortable. (My husband is a great cook and everyone says so.) I felt that this was akin to a restaurant review.

Needless to say, we have not invited these "friends" back. I write to alert your readers not to apply online behavior to personal experiences.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. Perhaps you should not have been so flattered about being compared to a B&B.

The confusion between the commercial and social worlds has become commonplace, with guests expecting to set conditions and hosts demanding contributions and even payment. In your situation, Miss Manners would have been tempted to sympathize with the guests, saying, "I'm so sorry you're not comfortable here. Let me find you a good hotel."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My granddaughter, who has never been married, had a child. She put the last name of the father on the birth certificate as the child's last name.

I contend that this appears as if she had been married and is not correct. Would you please inform me as to what is the proper last name in this instance?

GENTLE READER: Van Rensselaer. Or whatever name your granddaughter chooses. Miss Manners is not sure whom you think your granddaughter is fooling into thinking she is married, but assures you that the government cares only for tax purposes, not moral ones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work with a girl who thinks we are the closest of friends, but we aren't. In fact, I find her irritating at best. We've worked together about two years now, and four months into her starting work with me, she was proclaiming I was her best friend.

I've never considered her much more than a work acquaintance. We've hung out socially once or twice, mostly because I feel bad because she doesn't have that many friends outside of work, but now it's gotten to the point where if I don't sit with her at a meeting or eat lunch with her, she gets mad at me. She wants to be around me all the time.

I've also just recently become engaged, and now she very presumptuously says she wants to be included in the wedding planning. I don't really even want to invite her to the wedding, but I know she is going to expect an invitation, as our other colleagues (who actually ARE my friends and have been for over a decade) will be invited to the event. I don't want it to be awkward at work if I don't invite her, but I don't want to see her on the big day. What do I do?

GENTLE READER: Give her a job -- an appointment of honor that will keep her busy and far away from you throughout the wedding and reception. Minding the guest book or looking after wayward children are good examples. Miss Manners realizes that this may not solve the more long-term problem of disengaging with her as friends, but with any luck she will complain to others that she was being used -- and want to discontinue the friendship herself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our office, we frequently have a catered lunch that is served buffet-style. The meal is set up by a team of employees. This group announces that the meal is being served, and all the managers rush to the head of the line to serve themselves ahead of the rest of the employees.

I was taught that management, or those hosting the party, serve themselves last. I am about to be promoted to the management team. What is one to do? I hate feeling incorrect.

GENTLE READER: Then set a good example. Having been promoted, you have a unique opportunity to do this. Miss Manners recommends that you take full advantage, telling your new cohorts, "Let's let the other employees eat first as a show of appreciation for how hard they work." She further permits you to do it in a loud voice, if you must, in order to get full credit.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's sister has two children, one of whom was born recently. Throughout the pregnancy and after the birth, we were expected to go to their house often, although they never come to ours. I understand this because we have no children and it makes sense.

However, when we go there, we're treated a bit oddly. His sister often won't come say hello for an hour or two and will stay upstairs or on the couch. I do understand that she may be tired certain days, but it's becoming a real pattern. I'm also expected to do odd jobs or clean the entire time. One of the grandmothers will put me to work, and while I of course understand that I should help with setting the table, the food, etc., it's to the point where I'm left feeling more like a maid when there's basically no socialization the whole night.

In one night, I set the table (and was asked to make animals with the napkins), loaded the dishwasher with their dirty dishes from days past, made most of the food, made drinks, wrapped presents for the children, cleaned the kitchen (again from days past) and walked the dog.

My husband bought the majority of the food, as he tends to do, and has frequently been involved in multi-day, intensive labor projects around the house.

I understand that birth order does come into play (it's only the two of them, and he's about seven years younger), but I'm starting to not want to go there. I can't exactly politely express this -- plus, a guest is supposed to be helpful. I'd love to get your thoughts on the issue because I'm at a bit of a loss.

GENTLE READER: Helping out with some light cleaning after a new baby is born is one thing. Demanding origami napkins, however, is quite another.

The need for family assistance is generally tolerated because it usually subsides as the baby gets older and the parents become more self-sufficient. But this is a second child. When will it end?

Miss Manners is confused about how the adult birth order enters into the equation. Is the logic that the younger one is eternally subservient to the older? If that is the case, even your unborn baby, faced with two older cousins, should become resigned to a life of servitude.

To avoid this fate, Miss Manners recommends that you start making your visits shorter and less frequent -- and weaning yourself off of asking the question, "What can we do to help?" This is not to say that you cease providing services, only that you start doing it reasonably and on your own terms.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although I did not comment, I was offended when a dinner guest got up from the table and fed her steak to her dog. She has no dietary restrictions, so I can only assume she didn't like it.

The other guests consumed every morsel, so I know it wasn't because it was not tasty. My husband says I am being over-sensitive. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you should stop allowing guests to bring their dogs to your dinner parties.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)