DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best way to reply to a text that says just "Call me"?

I find it unspeakably rude and peremptory. If someone needs a call with me, they can call! If they don't want to call at a bad time, they could text "May I call you?" or "When is a good time to talk?"

But summoning me to call them is offensive. I generally ignore these texts rather than responding with what I'm thinking. Or I reply with a time to call me. But people really don't get the message. What's a good reply that lets people know this is rude?

GENTLE READER: "All right, I will."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend invited me to meet him on his lunch hour, and when I arrived at the casual food shop, he told me that he was fasting and would not be eating anything.

I said that was rude. He said he just wanted to spend time with me. I ate alone while we chatted. Should he have told me in advance that he wouldn't be sharing lunch with me?

GENTLE READER: The key word here is "hour," not "lunch." Presumably this was the time that your friend had available -- and Miss Manners fails to see the affront in his wanting to spend it with you. Had you not scolded him, you might have noticed that the fact that both of you did not have sandwich drippings hanging from your mouths likely made the conversation better, not worse.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am recently widowed, and I understand friends and family have genuine concern for me. In addition to the normal loss, there are circumstances surrounding my husband's death that disturb me, but I don't want to share with anyone other than legal counsel.

I'm trying to be gracious when people inquire about my well-being, but I'm getting fed up with "But how are YOU doing?" I'm not doing well and would prefer not to talk about it in public or private, thank you.

Everyone needs to know that this is a nosy question that is inappropriate. Ask if there is anything you can help with, or if you can meet me for lunch. Ask, "Can I take anything to charity for you? Run errands? Address thank-you notes? Take the car in for maintenance?"

Asking HOW I am doing brings up sad topics such as: My income has been cut in half, the lawyer cost three times what I thought it would, I don't want a funeral but everyone else does, his wishes and mine were ignored by health providers who thought I would never find out (hint: medicine sends a record of any procedure to the patient's home). That's all too painful to talk about. There's merit in not bringing this up.

GENTLE READER: And yet here we are. While emphasizing different words within the otherwise innocuous question "How are you doing?" may appear to make it loaded or cloying, Miss Manners begs you to try not to hear it that way. People are floundering and trying to think of something to say when they really just want to help. So think of it instead as an invitation to talk about whatever you wish, be it car maintenance, lunch plans or medical fraud.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been elected president of a local professional organization, and I have been getting letters of congratulations from other members. Should I write thank-you notes in response? My feeling is that I should, but one of my business partners told me it was unnecessary as these letters are similar to thank-you notes themselves, and you do not write a thank-you note in response to a thank-you note.

GENTLE READER: Your business partner is wrong about congratulatory letters being the same as thank-you letters. But his lack of etiquette knowledge is made up for by his charming lack of political instinct. Miss Manners urges you to thank everyone, if not for etiquette's sake, then as the first step in your re-election campaign.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is organizing an 80th surprise birthday party for our mother. There are six of us (four brothers and two spouses) splitting the cost.

One of my brothers feels that his and his wife's flight cost should be absorbed and split evenly among everyone since they have to travel and some of us do not. There is no financial hardship for anyone involved. What is the proper way in which to go about this disagreement?

GENTLE READER: It sounds as if you already know how to go about the disagreement, so Miss Manners will assume that you are instead trying to bring it to a conclusion.

There are no fixed rules about how costs are to be split among multiple hosts. But for the sake of family harmony, she recommends including only direct costs for the entertainment itself incurred immediately prior to the party. This will avoid haggling over gas money, baby sitters, a fair rental price for your brother's living room, dry cleaning, and the original cost of any dishware subsequently damaged. It may also diminish the topics of conversation at the party. But it will increase your mother's surprise if she has had to sit through such squabbles for 50-plus years.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend's sister is having a reception for her son's wedding and has invited a lot of people. I never received my invitation in the mail, although she said she sent one, plus she told me I was invited.

I feel rather funny attending since I never received an invitation even after she knew two weeks ago. She could have sent me another one but didn't. Should I go to this reception or not? I don't care either way, but wanted to congratulate the couple with a small gift. Now I feel like I don't need to attend or give a gift. Your opinion, please. I guess I'm rather put out.

GENTLE READER: Your best friend's sister -- the hostess -- told you that you were invited. Strictly speaking, that constitutes an invitation, whether or not confirmed in writing. Miss Manners fails to understand your pique and urges you to respond quickly if it is not already too late.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is an old-fashioned mortgage-burning party crass? A form of bragging?

GENTLE READER: Burning something is literally destructive, and therefore neither a polite subject for a party nor a subject for a polite party.

Truly old-fashioned examples in the former category were seldom enjoyed by the guest of honor, be it a book or a heretic. Examples in the latter category, such as harvest celebrations, were usually enjoyed too much. Miss Manners objects to all conflagrant parties with the exception of the Fourth of July.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had wanted to elope, but my husband insisted that his very small family be in attendance, including his uncle, aunt and cousin. My immediate family was invited, but my extended family was not, both because I did not want an audience and to control costs.

However, my sister's fiance and my husband's brother's serious, long-term girlfriend were invited explicitly; they were not "plus-ones." About a month before the ceremony, my now-brother-in-law informed us that he and his girlfriend had broken up in order to pursue "greener pastures" but would still be spending "quality time" together occasionally, if you catch my meaning. (Yes, he actually told us this, and no, I do not know why.) Not to worry, though, she would still be attending the wedding.

My husband and I agreed that because they had broken up, "quality time" notwithstanding, it would be inappropriate for her to attend. This was especially concerning to me, because my extended family was already making quite a bit of noise about not being invited while my husband's was, and I did not wish to field inquiries as to why an ex-girlfriend was in attendance too.

My parents-in-law and brother-in-law are livid with us over this decision. It has caused a significant amount of tension. It's to the point that my brother-in-law is not speaking to us, and my parents-in-law dress us down every time we see them. Miss Manners, were we wrong to tell my brother-in-law his ex would not be welcome at the wedding?

GENTLE READER: Strange as it may seem, etiquette considers invitations more binding than the conditions that gave rise to them. Absent extenuating circumstances, you were wrong to disinvite the girlfriend. And by "extenuating circumstances," Miss Manners means the girlfriend's emptying the joint bank accounts and decamping with the mailman in the middle of the night, not the amiable breakup you describe.

This is one reason to be careful when issuing invitations. You have already discovered another reason, namely that those who are not invited will be hurt -- particularly when the criteria for inclusion are opaque. Your rule would have caused problems even if your brother had married his girlfriend the weekend before: "We wanted to keep it to immediate family if the family was large, and extended family if the family was small, but we also let immediate family bring guests so long as it did not blow the budget."

Better to have said, "We wanted to keep it to immediate friends and family." Anyone rude enough to inquire about an aunt and uncle could then be told that they are your husband's only other remaining family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)