DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been elected president of a local professional organization, and I have been getting letters of congratulations from other members. Should I write thank-you notes in response? My feeling is that I should, but one of my business partners told me it was unnecessary as these letters are similar to thank-you notes themselves, and you do not write a thank-you note in response to a thank-you note.

GENTLE READER: Your business partner is wrong about congratulatory letters being the same as thank-you letters. But his lack of etiquette knowledge is made up for by his charming lack of political instinct. Miss Manners urges you to thank everyone, if not for etiquette's sake, then as the first step in your re-election campaign.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is organizing an 80th surprise birthday party for our mother. There are six of us (four brothers and two spouses) splitting the cost.

One of my brothers feels that his and his wife's flight cost should be absorbed and split evenly among everyone since they have to travel and some of us do not. There is no financial hardship for anyone involved. What is the proper way in which to go about this disagreement?

GENTLE READER: It sounds as if you already know how to go about the disagreement, so Miss Manners will assume that you are instead trying to bring it to a conclusion.

There are no fixed rules about how costs are to be split among multiple hosts. But for the sake of family harmony, she recommends including only direct costs for the entertainment itself incurred immediately prior to the party. This will avoid haggling over gas money, baby sitters, a fair rental price for your brother's living room, dry cleaning, and the original cost of any dishware subsequently damaged. It may also diminish the topics of conversation at the party. But it will increase your mother's surprise if she has had to sit through such squabbles for 50-plus years.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend's sister is having a reception for her son's wedding and has invited a lot of people. I never received my invitation in the mail, although she said she sent one, plus she told me I was invited.

I feel rather funny attending since I never received an invitation even after she knew two weeks ago. She could have sent me another one but didn't. Should I go to this reception or not? I don't care either way, but wanted to congratulate the couple with a small gift. Now I feel like I don't need to attend or give a gift. Your opinion, please. I guess I'm rather put out.

GENTLE READER: Your best friend's sister -- the hostess -- told you that you were invited. Strictly speaking, that constitutes an invitation, whether or not confirmed in writing. Miss Manners fails to understand your pique and urges you to respond quickly if it is not already too late.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is an old-fashioned mortgage-burning party crass? A form of bragging?

GENTLE READER: Burning something is literally destructive, and therefore neither a polite subject for a party nor a subject for a polite party.

Truly old-fashioned examples in the former category were seldom enjoyed by the guest of honor, be it a book or a heretic. Examples in the latter category, such as harvest celebrations, were usually enjoyed too much. Miss Manners objects to all conflagrant parties with the exception of the Fourth of July.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had wanted to elope, but my husband insisted that his very small family be in attendance, including his uncle, aunt and cousin. My immediate family was invited, but my extended family was not, both because I did not want an audience and to control costs.

However, my sister's fiance and my husband's brother's serious, long-term girlfriend were invited explicitly; they were not "plus-ones." About a month before the ceremony, my now-brother-in-law informed us that he and his girlfriend had broken up in order to pursue "greener pastures" but would still be spending "quality time" together occasionally, if you catch my meaning. (Yes, he actually told us this, and no, I do not know why.) Not to worry, though, she would still be attending the wedding.

My husband and I agreed that because they had broken up, "quality time" notwithstanding, it would be inappropriate for her to attend. This was especially concerning to me, because my extended family was already making quite a bit of noise about not being invited while my husband's was, and I did not wish to field inquiries as to why an ex-girlfriend was in attendance too.

My parents-in-law and brother-in-law are livid with us over this decision. It has caused a significant amount of tension. It's to the point that my brother-in-law is not speaking to us, and my parents-in-law dress us down every time we see them. Miss Manners, were we wrong to tell my brother-in-law his ex would not be welcome at the wedding?

GENTLE READER: Strange as it may seem, etiquette considers invitations more binding than the conditions that gave rise to them. Absent extenuating circumstances, you were wrong to disinvite the girlfriend. And by "extenuating circumstances," Miss Manners means the girlfriend's emptying the joint bank accounts and decamping with the mailman in the middle of the night, not the amiable breakup you describe.

This is one reason to be careful when issuing invitations. You have already discovered another reason, namely that those who are not invited will be hurt -- particularly when the criteria for inclusion are opaque. Your rule would have caused problems even if your brother had married his girlfriend the weekend before: "We wanted to keep it to immediate family if the family was large, and extended family if the family was small, but we also let immediate family bring guests so long as it did not blow the budget."

Better to have said, "We wanted to keep it to immediate friends and family." Anyone rude enough to inquire about an aunt and uncle could then be told that they are your husband's only other remaining family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am long married to a wonderful, brilliant, kind and adventurous gentleman who uses a wheelchair. I happily push him on our many adventures.

Regularly, people interrupt us to tell me how special I am. Frankly, he is a great deal more than special -- he's spectacular, and I am lucky to have been in love for these many years. I've had people touch my back "looking for angel wings," ask me questions about his condition, compliment me on "how you treat him," and generally ignore him, as if he neither can hear these comments nor speak. When we are talking, they interrupt us with these "compliments."

I often say, "I'm the lucky one to be married to such a fantastic man," and move on.

Additionally, staff ask me what he wants to eat in restaurants. I reply, "Ask him -- he's an applied mathematician. I'm sure he can handle a dinner order."

I find these compliments intrusive and disrespectful both of our privacy and our space. I sometimes wish I had a snappy one-size-fits-all response. Can you suggest one?

GENTLE READER: This is such an appalling -- but common -- form of ignorant rudeness that Miss Manners is going to allow you to illustrate what it is like to ignore someone.

Stop responding. Why should you speak for your husband, when he is there to speak for himself? The waiters should be given, at most, a shrug while you turn to him to give his order.

As for those treacly complimenters, Miss Manners recommends locking eyes with your husband and sharing a sexy laugh to demonstrate how little they know about your relationship -- and how far from their business it is to comment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm serving on a committee of parents whose sons and daughters are participating in a cotillion dinner and dance.

Is it OK, when mailing out the formal invitation to the dance, to apply mailing address labels, or is it etiquette to hand-write the names and addresses of the guests?

I love handwritten invitations, but I know our world has become digital. I know it's also much easier to print out mailing labels and adhere them to 64 envelopes. Just seems ironic that we are trying to educate our kids on the most polite way of doing things and putting stickers on envelopes.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. It could just as well be argued that it is easier and more convenient for the participants to wear their jeans than to have to dress formally.

The error here is not only in assuming that the easiest way is always best, but in supposing that the wonderful and efficient digital tools we are happy to use in so many situations obliterate other ways of doing things.

Miss Manners imagines that you wish to teach these young people the grace and pleasure of occasional formality. Do not imagine that they don't crave it -- look at those awkward attempts at proms, and at their older siblings' weddings.

What will your answer be when the debutantes point out that it will be easier for them to text rather than to write any letters of thanks that will be due?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)