DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a strange way of dealing with public hygiene in restaurants and at catered events. For instance, it should be considered rude and unclean to reach one's hand into a basket of bread to take a piece, for fear that the hand may brush against another piece. But this is preferred to grabbing the bread with tongs that have been handled by every other bread-taker.

The habit that puzzles me the most is the practice of a server refilling a water glass by picking it up to hold it near a pitcher. After doing this at various tables, the server can successfully transfer germs to everyone in the room. To make matters worse, some servers grab the glass near the rim, ensuring that the transferred germs will go directly into the mouth when sipping more water.

Isn't there a better way? What would be the proper way for a server to refill a water glass?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette is interested in hygiene only indirectly. Its primary concern is civil intercourse, which requires us not to do things that gross out the person sitting next to us. Its dictates are therefore often more a matter of convention than epidemiology.

This is not to say Miss Manners is unwilling to incorporate advances in medical knowledge. Making another person sick generally strains civility. But as she is reminded by medical professionals, the air we breathe and every surface we touch are shared not only by our fellow humans, but by an endless supply of related flora and fauna.

She agrees with your preference that servers not grasp glasses by the rim, both for reasons of hygiene and for fear that they will lose their grip, depositing the contents on Miss Manners' lap.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When throwing a party in honor of your child, such as a baptism, who is the party for? Your child or your guests?

We have some picky family members who said they were "impressed" -- but we didn't care if we impressed them. We wanted a good time for all, but everything we selected was based on what we liked and wanted. We always considered our guests in selecting certain foods and seating, but we were not trying to impress anyone at our party with the decor choices or the venue.

I thought being told that they were "impressed" was rude.

GENTLE READER: Parties that involve honored guests -- which includes baptism and confirmation and bar and bat mitzvah parties, not to mention weddings and retirement parties -- are given for everyone who attends, guests and honoree included. A certain preference for, and recognition of, the honoree is both inevitable and proper, but so too is care for the entertainment and comfort of the guests.

Miss Manners considers it unfortunate that many parents and brides also consider them an opportunity to show off. But she cannot speak to whether your picky family members were commenting on this aspect because they wished to criticize you for what they thought was your intent or because they wished to compliment you for succeeding. She might find it awkwardly phrased, but would not let it ruin her enjoyment of the party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am very pleased to see that the bouquet toss is omitted at many weddings these days. Although movies and TV shows depict eager young women joyously jostling to catch the bouquet, I've seldom seen that in real life. In fact, unmarried women often must be coaxed to sheepishly participate in the ritual.

I'm a 57-year-old widow of two years. At one wedding, a bridesmaid had the effrontery to try to recruit me to join the bouquet-catching crowd. I said "no" and she said they really needed more people and called another bridesmaid to help physically pull me onto the dance floor.

I told her that she was being very disrespectful and that no one had better grab me, as I was wearing shoes that might be very painful if I should accidentally kick someone while defending myself. She was stunned. The story passed around the wedding reception, with several people saying I was being a bad sport and others saying that trying to push a widow into the activity was in poor taste.

The bride, my lovely and loyal niece, told everyone that both she and I were sad that my late husband wasn't there and that reminding me through highlighting my single state was unkind.

GENTLE READER: Dragging anyone -- widow or not -- into participating in a party activity is an assault on dignity and good manners, and, from your description, a literal one on your person as well. Miss Manners congratulates your niece on finding a diplomatic way to bring the situation under control without publicly taking sides. If necessary, the bridesmaid could have been moved to a private corner where she could be told to cease and desist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband combines food on his fork and then rubs it around in a circular motion on his dish. His dinner dish is also very messy. Is it OK to combine food on a fork, i.e. meat and potatoes? How can I express to him that rubbing the food around in whatever sauce is on the plate is not acceptable?

GENTLE READER: As with much of etiquette, the extent of the infraction depends not merely on the activity but on its intensity. Dipping a piece of meat into the sauce is not impolite; grinding it in until one can hear the tongs scraping against the china, is. Spearing a stray pea along with the carrots is not impolite; using your fingers to press the entire meal onto the tongs at once, is.

You might suggest to your husband that his activities are garnering unflattering attention and you would appreciate it if he took a more subtle approach. Wait until you next entertain so that you can do this after the guests go home. You can then leave to his imagination just who it is who is considering applying a fork to his person if he does not modify his eating habits.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who should receive a thank-you note for having attended a wake and/or a funeral?

GENTLE READER: As the person to whom respects are being paid is not in a position to write, no such letter is necessary. Miss Manners notes that the bereaved have quite enough to do in thanking those who have been kind to them by writing letters, bringing meals or otherwise being useful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited a friend and her husband to dinner after my husband and I had been to a lovely dinner at their home. My note said how much we'd love to have them join us and, being aware that she is always exceptionally busy, I asked her to let us know what their availability was in the next couple of weeks so we would be able to find an agreeable date for the event.

I had expected a response something like "next week is filled, but we are free Wednesday and Friday the next." Several weeks went by and I received no response at all to this inquiry, and was a little perplexed because I heard from her on other matters via text, phone and email.

I then invited her to join me for lunch and she did respond, so we had a nice lunch at a restaurant. During the meal, I asked her if she'd gotten our invitation to dinner. She responded that she had received it but had not replied because my inquiry said, "let us know your availability in the next couple of weeks." She did not say it exactly, but the implication was that this was not a real invitation and so she chose not to respond.

Was I in error in my invitation? Should I have picked an exact date only to have her respond, as I know she would have, "Oh dear, we are busy on that date"? I was just trying to be considerate of their schedules and had hoped to avoid the endless back-and-forth of choosing dates that didn't work for her.

Shouldn't she at least have responded? I felt hurt that my invitation to come to dinner at my home didn't deserve even a simple phone call or email to say, "We'd love to come but would prefer that you pick the date." Now I don't really feel like inviting them at all. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That your friend interpreted your invitation as the often used, "We must get together sometime," which is generally understood to mean "or maybe never." And that she did not feel obliged to hand over her entire date book.

Miss Manners realizes that you meant only to defer to your friend's schedule, but neither does she feel that the lack of response was intended as a snub. Please try again, volunteering your availability ("We would be delighted if you could come to us -- is the 18th or the 24th possible?") instead of asking for theirs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 25-year-old daughter seems to think that since this isn't her home, she shouldn't have to clean the house. Any part of it.

GENTLE READER: Ask her, then, where exactly her home is. And whether she would kindly let you stay there.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)