DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our home is the gathering place for all celebrations on my husband's side of the family. Whenever we issue an invitation, we have four of his siblings to contact as well as various adult nieces and nephews and his elderly father and aunt.

Each of these people seems to require a different method of communication. Some text, some email, some require phone calls, and one only responds to invitations on Facebook.

It's way too complicated to issue a casual potluck invite and to keep track of who responds to what, so I use email only. Everyone (but the elderly whom we call in respect to their needs) has email, but some don't care to check it more than every couple of weeks. If they miss out on our gatherings or general family news, I maintain I'm not at fault. But then I seem to get blamed when they do. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: That you need not accept blame for unopened emails. Miss Manners recommends that instead you try sending them all hand-written invitations. Your family will like it even less -- but you will have satisfied the otherwise sarcastic question, "Did you need a handwritten invitation?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A proposal went out to the club's board members via email asking for suggestions. I was the very first to answer. Not 30 minutes later, one of the members answered with the same suggestions, tweaking the words around a bit but basically making the exact same suggestions.

No one seemed to notice; in fact, their email responses said, "Great ideas" to Janice first, and then to me. She really is small, petty and jealous of everything about everyone. She does this frequently, and I'm finding it irritating, at best. How can I call her out without looking petty?

GENTLE READER: "I am so glad that Janice agrees about this." The best antidote to someone else's pettiness, Miss Manners maintains, is resisting it oneself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter-in-law comes to visit with her three young sons. I like her very much, and the grandchildren are darling! We have a nice dinner and a lovely visit.

But she stays late and the children get overtired, loud and out of control. There is a lot of screaming, and I have to retire to my room. My bedtime is 9:30, but apparently the grandchildren stay up much later. Is there a nice way to suggest she take the children home before the chaos is so ... chaotic?

GENTLE READER: You may not be able to dictate the children's bedtime, but you can protect your own. Miss Manners recommends planning your dinners earlier, telling your daughter-in-law, "I know that your children are lucky enough to stay up late, but I am afraid that I have a firm bedtime. Please forgive me if I retire early, but I find myself becoming a grouchy muffin if I'm up too late. I hate to set a bad example for the children."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was a guest in some friends' home, my bathroom had a cat box in it, which smelled bad, and the cat frequently knocked litter all over the floor.

I asked where a broom was. My friend swept it up with one and pointed to where it was stored, never moving the box or apologizing.

She knew that I had a longtime milk allergy and tried to plan accordingly. However, the husband, who fancies himself a chef, kept trying to offer me dishes I couldn't eat and was upset when I declined.

I brought a proper gift, bought them a dinner and thought I behaved correctly, but I didn't think the visit went well.

GENTLE READER: Did you suppose that your friends hated the scented candle you brought them so much that they were quietly trying to kill you with cat smells and milk?

Miss Manners concedes that it was not nice for the kitty litter cleaning to be left to you and for the husband to push food on you, but recommends that you call this behavior what it is: mindless thoughtlessness. You might find other accommodations next time you are in their city.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It happens, not so infrequently, that during a conversation where I am relating a story to a friend, the friend interrupts and gives an account of a similar situation that has happened to her. I then politely listen to her story, and by the time she finishes, the content of my tale has lost its significance.

This usually happens with well-meaning friends. I don't want to alienate them with a rude response, but at the same time, it would be nice to be able to finish my story before they so eagerly jump in to tell theirs. How should I handle this type of waning etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Talk faster? Barring that, Miss Manners recommends that you try returning to your narrative, saying, "Oh dear, I got so wrapped up in your story that I am afraid I lost track of mine," followed by a wistful look and a polite but weak smile. And then resolve to model good behavior and be an advocate for someone else the next time there is an impolite interruption.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed a peculiar attempt at good manners: the second-hand thank-you.

An example -- and I could cite many -- came from an acquaintance who asked a mutual friend to thank me for a sympathy card I had recently sent to her.

Knowing that it is unnecessary for cards of this sort to be acknowledged, to receive a second-hand thank-you strikes me as worse than none at all. Am I guilty of splitting hairs?

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to split one for you -- and make you feel much better about being annoyed in the first place. A response is necessary for a letter of sympathy, although not for pre-printed statements accompanied only by a signature. Second-hand thank-yous, though, are lazy at best and put undue burden on an innocent third party. So split away.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have become sadly aware that a person in my community was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to both of his spouses, one of whom just separated from and divorced him. I got this information independently from each of the women involved and without their knowledge of the other's report.

I have had a warm but not close social relationship with him, including one or two dinners over the previous five years. But after this all became clear and undeniable, he approached me at a party and attempted to make conversation. I was only able to utter "hi" and turn away, and it was difficult to not share my thoughts with him about his behaviors.

Is this the right response? I will likely see him again in the future at similar events. I also wonder if I should inform the hosts of my certainty about his character. I am unclear on my ethical responsibilities in this matter.

GENTLE READER: Ostracism is a powerful tool for expressing disapproval of bad behavior, although it operates separately from the legal system, and, more specifically, from courts of law and prisons.

If you have evidence to give to the authorities, then it may be your duty to do so, but assuming that is not the case, miscreants who have not been judged, prosecuted and perhaps punished may still fall outside the pale of polite society. Avoiding this person yourself is entirely reasonable and, depending on what it is you learned from the ex-spouses, it may even be allowable for you to share information with potential hosts.

Miss Manners issues only one caution, which is that given the lack of a formal determination of the facts on your part, you must be sensitive to the possibility that not everything you have heard is true. A remarkable number of 19th-century novelists made their careers on stories about unjust ostracism, and in those novels, the people doing the ostracizing are not the heroes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will soon be leaving employment with a wonderful employer for a better opportunity. When this job began, I struggled with it for a long time and was fortunate to have a truly wonderful boss who supported me.

Now that I am leaving (with bittersweet emotions), I want to write my boss a thank-you card for her kindness and support. I would also like to include a gift card, but is this too much? I know for a fact that my future employer has already contacted her about me, so I wouldn't be seen as buying any influence. But I want her to know how appreciated she is.

GENTLE READER: How much sweeter would it be to buy an actual gift? This would, Miss Manners asserts, demonstrate both that you were close enough to know what she would like and that your relationship evolved beyond financial transactions such as employer and employee.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)