DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend bartends weddings at a members-only club. She went on a rant to me one evening because the bride and groom would not allow her to put out a tip jar. As a wedding guest, I would not expect to tip. What is the correct etiquette?

GENTLE READER: The correct etiquette most certainly does not involve tip jars or rants.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited a friend and her spouse to an event my spouse and I were attending. They declined, giving a perfectly understandable reason. Days later, I was invited to an event by another friend, who claimed that they were co-hosting with the first friend, for the same day as my event.

I am left wondering if the first friend made up an excuse (a lie) as to why they didn't want to come to my event. I am friends with both couples. If they wanted my spouse and me to attend, they could have scheduled their party on a different day. My event is time-sensitive but theirs is not.

GENTLE READER: It seems likely you were lied to, although what about is less clear. If she planned her party after declining your invitation, then she needs to do a better job coordinating the invitation list with your mutual friend. If she already knew she was throwing a conflicting party when you called, then perhaps she was concerned that you would argue that your event should take precedence.

In either case, she needs to learn how to decline without telling an untruth. Miss Manners has no objection to your providing an opportunity for her to apologize by asking what happened, so long as you accept whatever answer you are given with good grace.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I married in our 60s, following the loss of our first spouses after their long illnesses. His first wife came from a huge, loving Irish family that welcomed me with open arms.

My first husband came from a small family of childless members and only children, so I have only a few former in-laws left. What puzzles me is this: Are these people our "former" in-laws, even though our feelings for them are warm? What is our relationship? My husband's thinking is that our relationship is the same; our previous marriages were never dissolved and we are all still in-laws in heart. I want to agree, but am not sure.

GENTLE READER: Your husband's answer is in two parts: one legal, the other moral. Not being a lawyer, Miss Manners reserves comment on the former, except to say that "'til death do us part" -- not to mention your remarriage -- suggests that the first marriages were, indeed, dissolved, albeit involuntary.

She is nevertheless sympathetic to the second argument. Not all familial relationships are a question of birth: Your husband is now your family because of the choice you and he made in getting married. Drawing a parallel, Miss Manners has no objection to your retaining your former in-laws if you and they both agree. You will still have to describe them to third parties as "former," or "my first husband's parents," to avoid confusion, but they need not take a back seat in your feelings for them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a rule of etiquette about where a couple is seated in a taxicab? I think the couple should sit in the back. My gentleman friend believes he should sit in the front with the driver to give directions (despite GPS navigation and the fact that taxi drivers usually know where they are going).

I feel it is discourteous to let me sit alone in the back while he chats with the driver. We are both elderly and somewhat stubborn in our beliefs. Your thoughts may help keep the peace.

GENTLE READER: Your gentleman friend's place is in the back with you -- not sitting on the driver's phone and unanswered mail in the front seat, not driving, and not sitting on the hood, satisfying though the latter might be.

Miss Manners recognizes that not all taxi drivers are good navigators, and that the customer is allowed reasonable say in the route. But back-seat driving can be done from the back seat and, if done properly, with decent consideration for the professional feelings of the driver.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of many years is experiencing hard times; she has very little income and multiple major health problems that prevent her from working, and she has no family close by.

I invite her over for dinner every so often, as I enjoy cooking, and I try to find inexpensive or free things we can do together. I happen to work in social services and have referred her to several agencies that helped her with various problems.

She often tries to repay me, which she really cannot afford -- she even attempts to pay for the cost of ingredients when I cook dinner, which of course, I don't accept. She has gladly done favors for me, such as looking after my pet and plants when I have traveled, which I appreciate very much and have told her so.

I would love to know how to keep her from spending money to "repay" me or to buy gifts for me. At the same time, I don't want to make her feel like Poor Pitiful Pearl, either. I am far from wealthy but can afford to treat an old friend to a home-cooked meal or a movie every so often.

GENTLE READER: Manners will take the blame for your not accepting cash gifts. When your friend attempts to pay for groceries, Miss Manners recommends acting scandalized: "Ask an old friend to pay for her dinner when I have invited her for the pleasure of her company? Never!"

The tone to be cultivated is humorous exaggeration. The humor will mask the embarrassment you are nevertheless trying to create to prevent a recurrence. Truly expensive gifts must be accepted with genuine pleasure, and a direct, firm but kindly request that she recognize that you prefer her company to unaffordable gifts. (Note that Miss Manners has intentionally constructed the previous sentence so as to imply that no one can afford the gift in question.) As this technique will be neither totally effective -- nor totally free of embarrassment -- on all sides, it should not be used for inexpensive, incidental gifts.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just hosted a New Year's party for my close circle of friends. First, let me say that we had a fabulous time, and it was the perfect way to ring in the new year. But as I was cleaning up, it occurred to me that most everything I bought for the party was still here.

The invitation stated that I would provide wine, beer, mixers, garnishes and desserts, and invited guests to bring one appetizer and any other beverage they might prefer. Most brought their own wine, some brought their own desserts, and some brought several things.

Therefore, there was way too much food left over, and most of what I had provided in the way of wine, beer and desserts remained untouched. I can't help but think of the unnecessary expense -- something I dislike along with excess. So, am I being too picky and unrealistic expecting people to follow what I thought were clear instructions?

GENTLE READER: If you want to assert the host's privilege of controlling the menu, the way to do so is to provide all the refreshments. It is not by ordering take-out from your guests, as if this were a cooperative party that you had all agreed upon giving together.

Miss Manners realizes that such demands are often made. It has gotten to where other hosts complain that guests often show up with unrequested food and insist upon it being served, thus sabotaging the host's efforts. (Miss Manners advises them to accept these offerings as presents for their future use, and whisk them out of sight.)

But you should realize that to solicit offerings is to cede control. People will then bring what they find easiest or they want to consume themselves. And many of them tell Miss Manners that they are not thrilled to accept an invitation only to find that it is, as you worded it, an invitation to contribute to the larder.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I co-hosted a business function, an "appreciation dinner" for about 50 of our customers. The invitees wore traditional office attire, as did I. The invitations did not specify dress.

To my dismay, my male co-host arrived in a tuxedo. I know this was obviously improper, but as my co-host is also my superior, I had no idea how to handle the situation. While I realized he looked like a boob, my concern was what to say when asked by several guests, "Oh, am I underdressed? Is this black tie?"

In most instances, this was said with a laugh, so I didn't know if they were sharing the joke, or if they were truly uncomfortable in thinking that they had underdressed.

Is there something I could have said? I know my superior thought himself quite the dandy, so I know it will happen again next year. All I had to offer them was a rather lame, "You look just great! Can I get you something to drink?"

GENTLE READER: Try as she will, Miss Manners can think of no way you can rescue someone who is determined to dress improperly: "Oh, it's just that his New Year's Eve party went on rather long and he didn't have time to change"?

So you were right not to address the matter, but to treat the guests' remarks as if they were serious and offer them some offhand reassurance and a change of focus.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)