DEAR MISS MANNERS: I met with an old friend, a lady I had not seen for many years. I knew that her former spouse had dumped her for a younger woman a few years ago, after about 50 years of marriage.

His name came up in our conversation, and I learned that he died last winter. I automatically expressed my regret and said that I was sorry.

She looked as though her wish was that he was in some particular corner of hell. I apologized for saying anything, and let it go at that.

How should one respond in such a situation? Having never met her ex, I could not really express an opinion about him or his treatment of her.

GENTLE READER: Your behavior having been correct, Miss Manners only hopes that your friend will read this answer, as your exchange will not be the last time your friend hears condolences for a man whom she is evidently now happy to have seen go.

Because ex-spouses often have trouble gauging their own feelings about the death of a former partner, even close friends may be at a loss for what to say. The answer is a neutral expression of regret. The proper answer is “thank you,” with a sad look if the regret is shared, or a tight lip and change of subject if it is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My aunt texted me and said her company was looking to hire new people, and that she had me in mind for a position. She told me to submit a resume directly to her, and she would put in a good word.

While I appreciate it, I am simply not interested. My current job doesn’t have great benefits, but I love it, and as of right now, I am definitely not looking for a new one.

I don’t know how to tell her this; I am afraid she will be offended or won’t want to reach out in the future. Or worse yet, she won’t take no for an answer (she can be a bit harsh). How do I handle this in an appropriate way?

GENTLE READER: Anticipating -- and avoiding -- unwanted consequences is an admirable trait, but as etiquette most often deals in the here-and-now, it is sometimes a bit nearsighted.

Before dealing with the distant problem of turning down a job offer your aunt’s company has not made -- or the middle-ground problem of a rude rejoinder your aunt has not made -- we must first solve the immediate problem. That is accomplished by saying that you are flattered she thought you would be a good fit, and that you would be happy to hear about such things in the future -- but at the moment, you are more than content with your present job.

No reasonable person would find this offensive. How to answer the unreasonable person who does object is not something Miss Manners can provide without knowing the form the offense takes. The aunt who pouts at you from across the room at the next family birthday party should be gently ignored, while the more vociferous one will require more active measures.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes at work, colleagues will ask me to review an important document they have written. They are seeking my input on the content, not the grammar.

However, I often find grammatical errors. I’m no expert, but I do have a background in journalism and have been trained to find grammatical mistakes. If the error is glaring, such as accidentally omitting a word, I will point it out. But if the error is small, or one that few people would even recognize as an mistake, I don’t mention it. After all, I don’t want to be that obnoxious, nitpicking co-worker.

Nonetheless, I wonder if it would be better to make the corrections to help my colleagues, even though I may come off as intolerable.

GENTLE READER: “Nitpicking” has gotten a bad name. Like the word “literal,” people have grown so accustomed to using it figuratively that they have forgotten the literal meaning, which is to remove the nits -- lice eggs -- from someone’s hair.

A child with lice should be grateful for a nitpicking parent (and if they are not, their teachers and the other parents surely are).

Similarly, a colleague who requests the services of a copy editor should be grateful when that person identifies potentially embarrassing mistakes, large or small.

Miss Manners recognizes, without accepting, that an ability to write clearly and grammatically is considered either elitist or beneath contempt. (Could we at least decide which?) She therefore makes no objection if you return the edited document with a disclaimer that you’re sorry about the grammar changes and hope they will be useful -- you just couldn’t help yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several weeks ago, my wife and I enjoyed a meal at one of our favorite restaurants. She ordered filet mignon, but was brought prime rib. We did not object, but at the end of the meal, we pointed out the error to the wait staff.

We did not expect a refund. My wife thought it inappropriate to complain at the end of the meal.

Several weeks later, at a different restaurant, I ordered a rare tuna steak. It came out well done, but I did not send it back. In the past, I have sent back a martini if it was not made right.

I have come to think that it is more rude than discriminating to send something back. (Yes, I have had some “too wet” martinis, and endured.) Any thoughts on appropriate behavior in these situations?

GENTLE READER: As a paying customer, objecting to a genuine mistake, at the time it is discovered, is not impolite. It becomes so when the mistake is past remedy (you ate it two courses back and the price was not materially different); or is more a matter of preference than fact (the order is what it was stated to be, but not what you expected); or is reported in a belligerent or sarcastic manner.

Miss Manners is unable to gauge the level of suffering caused by a wet martini, but recognizes that saying nothing about a minor mishap can be the kinder course.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The wife of my husband’s best friend turned on me when I became friends with her stepdaughter. We tried to include her in everything we did, only to be turned down. She now addresses Christmas cards to my husband only. Would it be in bad form to “return to sender”?

GENTLE READER: Because it is the season to be snippy?

Surely the more dignified response is to ignore it. And as your husband may want to continue his friendship with his best friend, Miss Manners sees the added advantage here of its not provoking an all-out family feud.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Holiday cards are my way of keeping in touch with a number of people: great-aunts and second cousins who I do not generally communicate with in any other way.

This year, my husband and I separated. Is this something that can or should be communicated in a holiday card?

What about all of my husband’s extended family? Simply dropping them from the list doesn’t seem right, but neither does sending them a card from just myself. I rather doubt that my husband will have informed them.

GENTLE READER: You would probably not be pleased to get return cards saying, “Too bad your marriage broke up, but Merry Christmas anyway.” And that is because, as you suspect, holiday wishes should not be the occasion for dropping serious news.

But Miss Manners does not want to discourage you from keeping in touch with your husband’s family, if that is your wish. By simply signing your name, you will prompt anyone who is interested to wonder why -- and they can then ask your husband, or you, outside of the context of the holiday.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother-in-law, who has been engaged for 10 months, is now getting married. My husband, the groom’s brother, and I got married less than two years ago, before my brother-in-law met my future sister-in-law.

When they got engaged, she immediately chose wedding colors and bridesmaid dresses. To my shock, she picked the same three colors as my wedding colors, and the bridesmaid dresses are the same color as well.

I would normally let this go, as some girls dream of weddings and colors years prior to getting engaged. But she was aware of our colors, and has on multiple occasions been rude and nasty. She and her mother have harangued members of the family in the name of following a printed list of “wedding etiquette” guidelines.

So did she commit the original wedding etiquette faux pas by choosing the same wedding colors (and first dance song) as our recent family nuptials? How do I let this go when she has been so nasty to others over wedding etiquette?

GENTLE READER: During whatever rude and nasty conflicts you may engage in with your future sister-in-law and her mother, please omit such patently false claims about etiquette.

Of course it does not issue trademarks on wedding colors. Miss Manners could even imagine that repeating them would benefit anyone in both wedding parties, who would not then have to invest in another costume.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)