DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband asked me if I would hand him a specific item from his sizable work bag, which was across the room. I brought him the entire bag instead of removing the requested item.

His response was to angrily snap at me that I might as well have not done him a favor at all, and went on to imply that if I’m too lazy to do a favor in the manner requested, that I should say so and he would just do it himself.

I was floored at the rudeness of it all and stubbornly stood my ground, saying that he should be more clear. He maintains it is common sense that I should have brought him the specific item requested, not the entire bag, and that it is not unreasonable to expect a favor to be done precisely as it was worded.

He apologized for his overreaction, but he wants an apology from me -- for angrily telling him that the only proper response when someone does you a favor is “thank you” and that his argument is absurd.

I just can’t bring myself to apologize for doing him a favor. I have a feeling this argument is going to stay around until I break down and apologize, but fear it will set a precedent wherein asking for favors will become a dreaded question.

GENTLE READER: At the risk of getting herself embroiled in this volatile dispute, Miss Manners will say this: Her own dear mother taught her never to look inside anyone else’s belongings and to just hand the whole bag over, as you did. She permits you to relay that to your husband. But for the sake of the marriage, you might preempt it by saying, “I am sorry that I got angry, dear, but ...”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve quit drinking alcohol, and now drink tonic water in social situations. Is it rude to bring a bottle to a dinner party where I know a lot of different wines (but no other drinks) will be served? Or should I stick to water, as my friends don’t usually have tonics on hand?

GENTLE READER: Stick to water -- for the moment, at least. Bringing your own beverage should really only be relegated to potlucks and fraternity parties. However, if you request the drink enough times when asked for your preference, Miss Manners has high hopes that eventually it will appear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother recently gave me a photograph in a frame. I had given her that photo and frame 20 years ago. Her gift was hurtful to me, since I thought it was a meaningful gift when I gave it to her.

Is it necessary to thank someone for a gift you originally gave to them?

GENTLE READER: If it happens again, you might watch for memory loss. But Miss Manners will allow you to say, “Funny. Our tastes are so similar. How meaningful for us to have the same photograph in both of our homes.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I receive stationery as a gift, is it best to write the thank-you note on that stationery?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette may not, strictly, require it, but it is certainly best, as it avoids any implied criticism that you would have preferred something different.

Miss Manners realizes that not all gifts are given by someone in a charitable frame of mind: Gentle Readers have informed her of stationery being given as a way to signal a dissatisfaction with prior thank-you notes (or the lack thereof). But she also chooses not to look for trouble.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a coffee shop/cafe that gets very busy during lunch. One day, while I was working the main register with a long line of customers, some kind folks completed their lunch order, paid, then left $10 in cash and asked me to apply it to the order of the man behind them in line.

I figured he was a friend of theirs and didn’t question them further. When the man came to the register, he just asked if he could please have some water; I pointed him to our water station. He went off and I realized he was whom the couple had left money for, presumably charitably.

I couldn’t shout him down, so I tried to attach a note to the bill for a co-worker to take to the couple. However, it was the middle of the lunch rush and I wasn’t able to leave the register.

Later, when things quieted down, the couple came back. I immediately handed them their money, apologized, and started to explain. They told me, somewhat resentfully, that they wanted to give the man money but wanted to spare him the embarrassment of receiving it. They “thought I could explain to him he had credit to use.”

I felt bad about the whole interaction -- I wish the man had gotten to benefit from that $10 -- but also annoyed! It seems like these people were avoiding their own embarrassment, not his, but that it was his loss. I’ve helped plenty of customers buy food for other people, including local homeless folks, and there are many gracious ways to do so. Am I just bitter here, or am I justified?

GENTLE READER: Like etiquette itself, the server-customer relationship depends upon reasonable restraint on both sides. Such restraint includes being clear -- not leaving you to guess what you were being asked to do or how to do it. And it requires staying reasonably close to the task at hand: The service you were advertising was coffee and perhaps a doughnut, not social work.

Your customers failed on both counts. There are, indeed, better ways to accomplish what they wanted, and there are certainly ones that do not put the work on you. Miss Manners wishes that employers exercised equal restraint by not looking at every transaction as an opportunity to sell the next product (except by demonstrating exceptional service).

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My more mature millennial friends (those of us in our late 20s and early 30s) tend to co-host parties as a group for various celebrations: birthdays, engagements, holidays, etc. Generally, prior to this point in our lives, there was an even split amongst the group for the cost of the event.

However, now that some of us have partnered up, there has been a move to a “couples rate” and a “singles rate” for sharing the costs. For example: $300 for a couple and $175 for singles. But many of our single friends have found the additional cost of hosting the party an unfair “tax” or penalty for not being in a committed relationship.

Is there a difference depending on the event? Say, a holiday party simply for the groups’ common and ancillary friends, versus an engagement party for a sorority sister to whom most of the partners are not close?

GENTLE READER: It has not often been Miss Manners’ experience to hear “mature” and “millennial” used in proximity (unless by way of contrast). But since you have done so, she will answer by saying that the obvious solution is also the mature one: Stop charging admission to gatherings, and let each host throw his or her own party. It will spread out the expense -- roughly -- without endangering longstanding friendships over $25.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited our neighbors and longtime friends to dinner, and asked how many would be attending. They have two college-age children, one of whom lives at home, while the other attends college a few hours away.

While we expected up to four attendees, the reply came back “five.” They had invited their son’s girlfriend to come with them. This is a girlfriend, not a fiancee, nor does she live in their home.

Since when is it permissible to invite others to attend a sit-down dinner at someone else’s home? We do not know this girl! If they want us to meet their son’s girlfriend, shouldn’t it be at a get-together at their home?

GENTLE READER: Sympathetic as Miss Manners is to the plight of the hostess whose guests multiply without invitation, she understands your neighbors’ confusion. You did, after all, ask how many people were coming.

It would have been better to ask after the children -- thereby ascertaining their whereabouts -- and then issue a more specific invitation. Failing that, your neighbor should have volunteered who was around and then asked whom you wished to include. The proper way to avoid the unwanted extra guest is to express pleasure at the thought of meeting her, but apologize that it will have to wait for another occasion. This is more convincing if you have not just moments before issued an open-ended invitation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)